Question: Dear Luise: I have been living with my boyfriend for some time. I really love him and he loves me. I knew when we got together that he had a problem with drugs and alcohol, but we were sure that he could get past it with my support. He wants to, but his promises are never fulfilled, and they are starting to sound pretty empty. I’m not sure he even believes himself any longer, and I have learned not to believe a word he says. I don’t want to leave yet nothing I do seems to help. How do I deal with this? Thanks, Sally
Answer: Dear Sally: You have set yourself up to fail. This isn’t your problem. Until your boyfriend gets the help he needs, he’s not relationship material.
It’s so easy to think that love will conquer all. Both of you probably believed that, originally. It sure sounds like you gave it the old college try. However, I think you are beginning to see that this is not how you want to live your life.
You can stay or go, of course. It’s your choice. You can’t change things, though. In the meantime, the situation is wearing you down. You know that.
I would suggest that you start looking for some support for your self. If you decide to stay, you need to weigh the consequences very carefully. And if you end it, it’s going to be terribly difficult. To make it through either option, you will need someone in your corner…probably a counselor who works with substance abuse and the secondary victims of it.
Let your guy know that you have reached the point where you need to sort it all out from your own vantage point. Make it clear to him that it hasn’t served either of you for you to focus exclusively on him. I think it would be wise for you to separate. Give yourself some room to determine what you want to do and how you’re going to go about it. You can move back at a later date, if you are compelled to, unless he closes the door.
Don’t let yourself be bullied, blamed or intimidated. Take your time. With professional help you can figure out what’s next for you. Blessings, Luise
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