Comments on: Mother-in law vs. Daughter-in-law

By: Luise

Luise — Sun, 09 Nov 2008 21:19:29 +0000

Dear M. That’s a tough situation. Are you sure she’s the girl for you? (If it weren’t for your Mom, you wouldn’t be around to be her boyfriend.) You have the right to expect your girlfriend to be courteous toward your Mom and respectful. Don’t put up with anything less. And your Mom needs to learn to tolerate her once she cleans up her act. You are all adults. Neither woman has to like the other but abuse and hate have no place in any family. They both love you. They need to go the “extra mile” because of that. Blessings, Luise

By: M.

M. — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 23:23:58 +0000

My girlfriend treats my mother so badly. My mom hates her so much.

By: Luise

Luise — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 19:23:18 +0000

Very well put. Thank you. Blessings, Luise

By: Z.

Z. — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 18:56:41 +0000

My mother in law told me shortly after my baby was born that it made her want to have another baby. She proceeded to call my baby her baby and is begging to take care of the baby. When my baby cries and she is holding him I go to take him to console him, feed him or check his diaper, she comments that I am taking him away from her. I feel that this is my time to be a mother and I love taking care of my baby. She feels like this is her time to relive being the mother of a little baby, trying to take those precious moments away from me. Its really hard, because I am a nice person and she is trying to bully me into having me do whatever she dictates. I feel like I am the parent and I need to be strong for the best needs of my child and myself. I think that MILs need to give their children their space to enjoy their new families and to call on them when they are needed and to not force themselves. They had their time to be mothers and now it is the daughters turn. It’s time for them to step out of the limelight and be the third wheel and be okay if they are not needed and okay with it if they are. Z.

By: Luise

Luise — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 15:04:25 +0000

Sometimes people grow tall, marry and have children without growing up. It sounds like your daughter-in-law wants to be your little girl or your best friend and is jealous of the attention you give her daughter. It’s sometimes easier to like a child than an adult. Adults often have more baggage. If you can start thinking of your daughter-in-law as “needy”, you may be able to come up with some workable solutions. Perhaps special times just with her and maybe even special treats for your son and daughter-in-law when your granddaughter is with you on an overnight. This will take some inventiveness and patience but it could pay off big time. Blessings, Luise

By: M.

M. — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 18:51:29 +0000

I hurt beyond measure over the way my daughter-in-law treats me and my husband. We love to have our 12 year-old granddaughter come over night to have fun with us but my daughter-in-law always feels she and our son need to be there part of the time. She feels left out. We do tell them we will plan a time we can all do something. She still has to get angry and our granddaughter sees this and has become upset. can you help? Thanks. M

By: Luise

Luise — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 20:10:57 +0000

Dear M. Being misunderstood and undervalued is so terribly painful. You are doing your best and you always have. Blessings, Luise

By: M.

M. — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 02:46:16 +0000

I am a mother-in-law. I read the comment from Luise regarding giving the daughter-in-law a reason to lash back. I have had my one and only daughter-in-law for about 7 years. It has been the most difficult relationship of my life. My son met her during a very low point of his life. She rescued him and helped out with you friendship. When I first met her, she made a comment I will never forget: “He talks to me. I understand him and know him,” (she had just met him.) I had a bad feeling from that day. As it turns out he got her pregnant…. long story short, I lost 4 months of my grandson’s life. I was punished from seeing him for a comment she did not like. Eventually I was allowed to see him. I have always lived with the fear of saying the wrong thing, the fear of loosing my grandson, the fear of loosing my son. things seemed to get better, as long as I was careful. Now there is a second grandson. SHe has allowed me to care for them, see them, babysit, spend time with them. When she calls, I run. I only do this for my grandsons. I love them so much. I always have my son in mind, not saying anything regarding his wife. She is disrespectful to my husband, foul language, self centered, just difficult. She has made it clear to my husband and I that she does not want anyone to come to her home unanounced. that she does not pick up the phone unless she want to, but you better be nice to her. I have allowed her to make me feel controlled. One thing I forgot, for the last 5 to 6 years her relationship with her mom was a little rocky, she would see her, but did not take the boys to her much.. The last year has changed, she is now doing well with her mom, they are attending church together. Her mother does not work like me and can watch the boys when she needs. rebonding with a sister that may help her. I know that she is pushing me away. I feel she does not need me anymore. What happens next, was probably inveitable. Now I have made another comments she did not like. I asked her if I could watch the boys on a particular day since I was on vacation (and she knew). she said, no, my mother is watching them. I found myself asking her twice again, second time “begging”, please let me watch the boys. The answer was no, my mom is watching them. She is also their grandmother and wants to see them. I have seen very little interest in her part since the boys were born (now 7 and 5). What can I say I’m hurt.
She immediately called my son at work and cried, that I am pushy and that I am bothering her. The next thing I had a visit form my son. That he does not want trouble in his marriage. He works hard and does not want to get calls like that from his wife. He came to see if I was okay. I think she sent him to put in in line. I cannot say to my son how I really feel about her, I told him his wife comes fist and I have no intention of causing problems in their marriage. I never call her to bother her. I wait for her to call me on her time. She invites me to come see the kids. I have tried to be careful, but now I messed up again.
My son said not to make the boys first in my life. that I should be okay to see them when I see them. Now I feel I cannot call to see how they are or anything. Just wait.. She is getting what she wants..I am so depressed and sad, but I see I am not alone. what should I do, back off completely, not say a word, just nod and be nice like always to protect the little I have left? M.

By: Kathy

Kathy — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 00:36:57 +0000

I have a similar problem, but somewhat different. My daughter has chosen her mother in law to be her close friend/mother figure and that hurts so bad that being left out of her life has overtaken me. She tells me that I need to “get over it and move on and accept her relationship with her MIL, but since she barely has time for me and I rarely see the 2 kids because I work, she tells me now that I don’t see them enough.
Her MIL quit her job to babysit full time and now my daughter has quit her job to be a full time mom and her MIL still comes there everyday because she can’t bear to spend a day without them. It has been this way for about 9 years since they have been together, so I have accepted it but since she chose not to even acknowledge me on Mother’s Day that hurt my feelings so badly that I have not been able to even speak to her since then because if I say one wrong thing, I am sure I will be regretting that for the rest of my life. To me no one is a jealous/obsessive person unless someone makes you feel that way. I am only trying to protect myself from being hurt, so how do I cope with the heartache of not seeing the kids and trying to “move forward and not deal with anything in the past-just get over it?” There are many complicated things involved of course as there always is, but I am just trying to heed to her demands that I need to get over it and move on because “it is what it is.” Why would she even care if I am in her kids or her life, she has everything she needs from her husband’s side of the family. Our son in law does not care of us, so that puts her in a position to chose. Not a good place to be. I just don’t know how to make this all go away like she wants to do. Not sure my feelings make much difference to her. I have searched and searched all kinds of web sites trying to find out if anyone else has this kind of problem, but cannot seem to find any answers. It’s been a month and my heart aches and I cry at least 2-3 times a day. Seems like time helps a bit, but the heartache doesn’t go away. Please help with some advice. I feel so helpless. Thank you

By: Luise

Luise — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 22:22:30 +0000

Sometimes but not always. Often a tough call. Wise lady! Blessings, Luise