Question: Dear Luise: This is an embarrassing question, but I feel pretty alone with the problem and would like some help with it. My son has a mate/life-partner that I can’t stand. I think she took a dislike to me before I did to her, but it is clearly mutual. Do you have any words of wisdom about how to keep from losing my relationship with my son? I’m so sad. Mary Z.
Answer: Dear Mary: This is not unusual, since we don’t get to pick our kid’s mates. I have been there and know how awful it can feel.
His choice has been made, the die is cast and you are stuck with her. You need to get that loud and clear. You can’t change her and you can’t change his mind. I spent a lot of useless energy many years ago not really getting that.
I think I would watch to see what, if anything, works and focus on that. By that I mean, are large gatherings better than one-on-ones…does it work at all to be alone with her as opposed to being with both of them…is there some need that you can fill that would make you part of their reality, (like house-sitting while they are away, etc.)?
If it is possible to do so, talk with them separately about this. Ask your son if he can think of any way it would work and then ask her the same thing. It is wise to call it what it is, (well, choose your words carefully, of course), and to let both of them know that you want what will work best for everyone.
Sometimes, as in my case, the daughter-in-law feels so insecure about the old and very strong bond between mother and son, that she declares war, sight unseen. Sometimes the mother-in-law does that because she feels threatened and sometimes, unfortunately, there is just poor chemistry.
Whatever it is, you are a caring person to write to me about it and a great deal can come out of quietly caring…even from a distance. Blessings, Luise
D. to T.: Okay…I don’t know how much more space we can give. We hardly ever see him. I will, though. You’re right, absolutely. I’ll keep you posted. D.
T. to D.: I really don’t believe that moms were all sweethearts in your day. You even said my MIL sounds awful. I am not saying hormones give people a pass. However, moms do tend to get grouchy because of hormones, little sleep and the messes that their little ones make. I don’t excuse your DIL’s catty behavior at all. I was merely saying that there might be some plausible reasons for your son’s attitude. I do think he is caught in the middle. T
D. to T.: I don’t think all Moms were sweethearts either…just me ; ) D.
To all you DIL’s who say you understand your MIL, how can you possibly? You will not truly understand until your son marries and you have your very own DIL. Only then will you know the feeling of terrible loss, greiving for your son, and yet knowing he is still alive. This is the hardest thing I have ever been thro in my life. So all you mother’s of sons, remember, what goes around comes around. I have learned that in this life you get back what you give, good or bad, 10 fold and more. M.
Dear M.: I have also seen those who don’t give treated with respect, and those who do, treated with contempt. It isn’t necessarily always fair. Blessings, Luise
I don’t know who you are out there but I am so sorry that you have to walk this path!! It is indeed the hardest thing anyone could imagine. It is a phenomenon that only happens to Mothers of sons. In our society, unbenounced to us, it happens. It breaks your heart into a million pieces and only the measured amount of time, reserved only for grieving parents after a child’s death, does it ever get better. You will find nothing but battles with Daughters in law out there. They find no mercy in their hearts for us. Your son will go along with her to keep his home stress free. Your faults will be whispered to him, every flaw, every word you say will be twisted to suit her main intension…and that is to get you out of your son’s life forever. You have a friend in me. I know how you feel. I know I won’t live long enough to see this dished out to my Daughter in law but I know it will be. Knowing that makes it tolerable. I do feel that I want revenge for what has been done to us. Cruelty knows no boundaries. These boundaries are what they live by; they have learned about them in a book, their favorite book. We’re toxic and manipulative and narcissistic, didn’t you know that? Someday, they will have this happen to them and when it does, they will have their Boundaries book for comfort. D.
Dear D.: And please remember that it doesn’t always happen. Sometimes it is the reverse and sometimes there is mutual respect and compatibility. My son married twice and I got one of each. Blessings, Luise
And wait till that son you are greiving for has kids, and you are a grandmother. Then your DIL can really control you. My DIL is a very controlling person, to the point that my son can’t come to a family function without her. I always try to schedule events when I know she can come, but once in a while another family member will have a gathering that doesn’t jive with her schedule, so my son can’t come, or bring our grandchildren. They have an agreement that they don’t attend family functions if one of them can’t come. My DIL has no family functions because non of her family speak to each other, so my son loses out all the way around on that one. Why do you suppose he would agree to something like that? My son seems “afraid” of her, he’s always saying things like ” I gotta pick up _DIL_____ , he freaks out if he thinks he might be a minute or two late, or __DIL____ said to be here at… What do you think is going on here? I worry so much. I have tried to be nice, I have tried talking to her, nothing works. She has told me that I had my turn and it is her turn now, she told me that I can no longer have Christmas dinner at my house, she will do it from now on, if I insist on having my own dinner, she, my son and our grandchildren will not be there. We have a large family and usually take turns with Christmas dinner, no longer, it is always at her house. She is like a child who takes total control over a toy and refuses to share. Only she’s doing it to people. No one in our family has been able to get close to her. I too told her things when I thought we were friends, that she stored up and uses against me when she sees fit. My son just goes along with whatever she says, because what she says goes, no matter what. I am tired, and I only do what I have to, to continue seeing my precious grandchildren. M.
Dear M. and D.: My youngest son was working on a web forum for us because dialoguing here is pretty cumbersome. It was going to to up and running by the end of next week but yesterday his uninsured park model trailer, decks and shed burned to the ground. He only lives here in the summer when it gets too hot in Kauai. I was all he had. Blessings, Luise
Sometimes the hurt just spills out. We are supposed to keep all this to ourselves but at times, it’s just impossible. D.
To Luise: So sorry, Luise!!! I hate to hear that….Please know that in my heart are many prayers for his heart and yours. D.
To D.: Thank you so much. You have become a dear, e-friend. Blessings, Luise
Dear Luise: I am in my thirties and have been married for over 15 years. My relationship with my MIL was bad from day 1. I am a very sentimental type of person, and value/am sensitive/humane regarding relationships. So with that being said, after my husband and I dated for a couple of weeks, I was excited and nervous to meet his mom. I will never forget the first moment that I met his mom. I was sitting in the living room with him, and she came in and said, “Who are you?”-real abrupt. I think that there are different types of people. I am not quiet, I am friendly and outgoing. I am not rude. My husband’s family speaks their minds, whereas my family can be a little silly and they hug, southern, etc. Anyway, red flags began appearing. Well, first, his parents are divorced. My MIL calls her son, Sonny boy, and her little man. He had explained to me how he had sort of taken over household jobs that his dad used to do-and then after grandpa helped. I didn’t really think to much of it and was impressed with how he loved his mom, and how he knew how to do all of that stuff. Then I noticed that the two of them went out a lot-just the two of them-again, I felt like-this is neat, he is close to her, so he is familiar with women/issues, etc. In other words, I felt that I would be able to talk to him like friends. This was all good. Then my sister got married and made the comment, “Oh that poor mother.” I asked her what she meant and she said that my sister stole her son. I thought that was odd. (Forgot to mention husbands sister moved in with step mom and dad-husband was only child living with MIL). So then I met the family, same thing. I started to feel like I was automatically placed in an opposing position. I began to feel like I was not liked, trusted, and that I was literally not wanted. I began to not want to be around his family-especially his mom. His SMIL treated me totally different and very nice. Offered me a coke, showed me old pictures, etc. I see now-having a son myself. My MIL loves him so much. Well anyway, through the years, I realized that my MIL and I would be bosom buddies if my husband wasn’t between us. The problem is (climax): My husband has slowly and steadily become a later stage alcoholic. She has been in complete denial, and if he lies to her, she completely sides with him. I have never kept my children from her-as nasty an cruel as she has been to me. The reason is that she is there grandma plain and simple-whether I have an issue with her or not. We have both tried in our own ways to get along, but the common problem/distortion is over his alcoholism. This hurts me very badly. She is one of those people who I actually enjoy being around when things are good-but when things are bad-she points the finger at me-and I feel like, What? She made a comment once that went straight through me-”Maybe he drinks because he has to live with you.” I realized that she was upset and that sometimes people say things that they don’t mean-but I truly believe that she feels this way. We have three children 13,7,5. My husband’s drinking one day-and he’s horrible, then the next day he’s father of the year. This frequency has been wearing on me for years. I do not dare talk to my MIL about this because she sides with him, and tells me to leave him if it is that bad. I understand, and I realize that she cannot fix the problem, but it would be nice if she could support me for once due to her grand kids being innocent victims. I have to realize that she simply is not going to see reality in this area-but it hurts. My fear when I become a MIL, is that I will have a DIL who is rough around the edges, and controlling. People like that have gotten the best of me many of times. I am not a jealous person, but I have always wanted my husband to value me like he does everyone else. He doesn’t. I tell myself that it is due to the alcoholism, but I don’t know. If I knew that it was something that I was doing, I would try to fix it, but I just don’t know. I apologize for this being so all over the place-a lot to condense in 15 years. Thank you, M.
Dear M.: I am digesting what you have written and will comment soon. I am holding you in my heart. Blessings, Luise
Dear M.: It seems to me that you need support in the multisided situation you are in. You aren’t going to be able to change the spots on the MIL leopard nor can you do that concerning your husband’s issues. What you can do is get counseling for your children and yourself. And have you thought about AlAnon? That’s the first place I would head in trying to understand and cope with an alcoholic partner. You were more than willing to befriend your MIL. Please remember that and acknowledge where the need for supremacy lies. Also, please remember that your husband’s problem wasn’t generated by you. Your needs aren’t being met on many different levels due to circumstances beyond your control and you are doing a marvelous job. Go look in the mirror. Smile at that lady and say, sincerely, “I’m doing a marvelous job!”…because it’s true. Blessings, Luise
My heart goes out to M. and all the above MILS. This is not a pretty topic.
Luise, that is horrible news about your son. I am so sorry. T.
To T.: Thank you. My son lives out of state, so I have been taking pictures (horrible) for them. (He’s not married but is in a long-term, committed relationship with a marvelous woman.) I’ve been talking with demolition contractors since he has 90 days to clean his lot up. One bid was $6,500. and one was $3,500. with the same net to the contractors… just different ways to do it. As I think I mentioned, he didn’t have insurance, (was going to get around to it) and it was all he had. I learned a lot about post-fire demolition and hope I never have to make use of the knowledge again. Accepted a bid and think I can pull back a bit, now. You can see a picture of my son (and webmaster) on my home page in my bio. Just scroll down to the bottom of the article. Blessings, Luise
I have never posted a comment on a website but I found this site and was amazed to learn that so many mothers in law are going through similiar situations as mine. I too have a very controlling daughter in law. If you do not play by her rules you are “cut off”, “out of the picture”, etc. I have always had a very close relationship with my son and I knew from the moment I met his future wife that there was going to be problems. Basically she is a bully and everyone must march to her tune or you don’t get to play. I recently did something that she found unforgivable, I called her mom to try to understand something that had happened to my daughter in law when she was younger, and now my son and daughter in law are not speaking to me. The sad thing is they are also keeping me from my only grandchild whom I have babysat and taken care of since her birth, she is now 17 months old. So far I have enjoyed a very special relationship with my grand daughter and it is no secret how much I love her. I asked to see her for a few hours on Easter and was told “no”. I will never get that Easter back, The worst part is I have breast cancer and have been going through chemo. My grand daughter and my son are a huge part of my recovery. To tell you the truth, I don’t even think my daughter in law has a heart, it takes a monster to keep a “Nonie” from her grand child at a time like this. I have been heartbroken for weeks and I know I have to move on but sometimes this is almost more than I can bear. It’s very, very sad. T.
Dear T. Soon we will have a web Forum where we can work together to get us through these situations. We can’t change the behavior of other people but we can support each other in healing of unbearable losses. Blessings, Luise
My DIL does NOT care about anyone but herself. She is certainly not thinking of her kids when she keeps loving grandparents away. I am so tired of being denied access to my grandchildren and my son. My DIL gets angry every time I want to talk to my son. I asked him if we could go to lunch, just the two of us & my DIL flipped out. Short of seeking legal action as far as seeing my grandchildren, what advice can anyone give me to make this situation better. My son can make his own decisions, but my two small grandchildren cannot. They beg their Mom to let them come stay overnight with us, or go places with us, she will not let us take them anywhere. Everything is on her terms. Our family is not like this. We have always shared our childrens time with the whole family, not just grandparents. Is it society that makes our DIL’s selfish, or is it her upbringing. They read so much about do what you feel, don’t let ANYONE tell you what you can & can’t do with their children, some of these girls carry things to extreme. For instance, when an expert says “know where your children are at all times”, they are usually talking about teenagers, not about small children who are out with their grandparents. The girls today can’t figure that out on their own? They twist everything around to suit their purpose. I’m just so tired of the constant battles to see our grandchildren. A.
Dear A. The bottom line seems to be that you son chose this woman and as their mother, she calls the shots. He set the whole thing in motion and he maintains it. Their family unit does not have to blend with you son’s family of origin or accept their beliefs and practices. So far as I know, she doesn’t have to fair, reasonable or wise…much the pity. She can enrich her childrens lives or deprive them, at will, unless the neglect become physical. Dark ages stuff. We need our Forum. I’m glad to say the structure of it is progressing. Blessings, Luise
Dear Luise: I honestly think my DIL is a “non human”. I really do. I have less and less respect for our son too. So sad but he is such a stranger to us that it is becoming easier and easier to just put him aside and be an occasional visitor on holidays.
To try to explain her is fruitless. It’s too complicated. Someone with no heart, no heart, no feelings for others? I have yet to experience anyone who seems so absolutely lovely and kind on the outside, yet cruel beyond words on the inside.
The one thing that I have had to face is that our son married her so that means that we are to blame for this. He needed this, somehow he needed this.
We did the best we could to raise him and I make no apology for that. He could not care less about us, it shows and used to kill me. I’m grateful for the relief of a little rest from the grief. It does come and go and sometimes hits me as I wake up in the morning. He never loved us, just used us. That’s hard to live with.
He is a very successful man, has everything in the world anyone would want. That’s good.
She loves to hear gossip about other people she knows, their hardships and heartaches. She thrives on it and seems to get much pleasure from it. It elevates her status. I have never heard of anything like that but that’s who and what she is.
She twists things around to where nothing is ever her fault. She seems terrified of blame. It seems like she’d crack to pieces if the blame was ever squarely on her and there was no way out.
I have never met anyone like her and I hope I never do again. I’m tender hearted and sensitive so I’ve tried to do all to make her happy. Any time the subject is on her, all is well. If you change the subject to you, she has to go, right now. No time for anyone else.
She has made it possible for each of her children to get into prime school situations. She is a manipulator that people fall for in a milisecond. They too want to please her. So, the kids are in all the best societal positions available…all due to her. Not because of anything they’ve done.
I want so much to tell her about our other son’s children who have done remarkable things but I can’t. It would enrage her with jealousy. So I say nothing about them. All focus must be on her and her alone. D.
Dear D.: How incredibly sad. I seems to me that you are describing major pathology. I can’t see how your son’s inability to see through her is your doing. She’s fooled everyone else…why not him? I know when I was put at the mercy of my elder son and his wife, it seemed like some kind of pact they had…so it was very different. They appeared to get a lot out of the “Somebody Done Me Wrong Song” in regards to both of their mothers and fueled each others’ “well documented” mistreatment. They were victims…we were evil. I never got it and I never will. When he died, I had an experience that brought me peace…but he’s gone. My heart goes out to you. Blessings, Luise
Dear D: I am the second M who wrote about her alcoholic husband. Your DIL sounds like my SIL. My brother is very successful, and she is an elementary school teacher. Everyone sees her as this tall, slender, wonderful, intelligent person. She has always had a hidden agenda. My family of origin is extremely accepting and loving. She wiggled right in and has caused problems. My brother loves her and has frankly changed through the years being married to her. He used to be fun and loving, too. Now, he is judgmental of others, feels and acts like he’s better, very materialistic, and agressive if he doesn’t get what he wants-or when he is unable to control others/situations. The first time I met my SIL, she was at my other brother’s house-all over (grope) by younger brother-then acts like this innocent angel. To make a long story short, she basically set me up at one time with my brother. My brother and I no longer speak because of her tricky ways and how he reacted to a situation. Ok, I wasn’t going to mention, but here it goes-my parents wanted me to bring my three children on vacation to take some time away from the alcoholic situation. Now, keep in mind that my br.and SIL have been married for a few years and we have all maintained a pretty decent relationship. So in my mind, this is a safe situation, my children get to spend a week at the beach with the family. My older sister also ended up going without her husband, so the bonus was that I didn’t feel like such a third wheel. So here I am, excited as ever. My older sister began having issues with my SIL. I kept trying to help smooth things over-even defended the SIL. SIL works out and has a nice figure. I have always believed in letting people dress and do whatever-I am personnaly fit, but I am pretty modest with my dress/bathing suit especially. SIL flaunts big time-it is a little overkill which drove my older sister nuts-but I told my sister to try to overlook it because we don’t know the whole story-and who are we to judge anyone. Well anyway, SIL’s children are younger than mine-toddler age. I helped watch her kids on the trip-mind you, she had my brother’s support-I even offered to watch their children so that they could go out on a date one night. Just to make something clear-my issue is more with my brother than SIL. I am more upset with him-in fact, I would speak to her at this point before I would speak to him. Also, we had 14 in one 3br. condo-my oldest took a friend. So, I go down to the beach with my middle son to frankly take a break from her (her personality-I can take for so long) and her children. I did not gossip or make any comments, this was only in my mind and I kept my feelings to myself-treating her with kindness. My son and I were sitting under the umbrella, watching the wave-having the best little bonding time-no longer than a couple minutes into this, my SIL comes along, places the toddler with my son and I, and walks a few chairs over and begins to lay out-I wanted to be nice about this-because I needed my space. So I gently asked told her that my son and I were bonding, and she acted like I hated her and my niece. She went off on me in front of everyone on the beach-and ran to tell my brother. My brother physically assaulted me in front of my children, yelled at me and called my children names. My son had some speech issues-which he has overcome-praise God-and my brother kept saying look at your autistic son. I don’t think that the SIL expected him to react this way-but he did. I have to see a specialist because of my injury resulting from the assault-I have not healed-very expensive health care costs-they have not apologized or offered to pay for any expenses and they are loaded. My parents still speak to them-my mom tells me that I need to forgive him-which I do-but it is hard when he has shown me no regrets for what he did. It is hard when you’ve raised or have grown up with someone-and you think that they know you-your heart, and then some stranger comes in-and they take that stranger’s word over the person that they’ve known for many years. I do believe that she originally had some jealousy issues with many people. I do believe on some level, she is jealous of me because deep down, she knows that I am a very honest and true person. So my heart goes out to you T, and I think that there are just some tricky women out there with insecurity issues-who will stop at nothing for their needs in that area to be fulfilled-at the expense of anyone or anything. God Bless, M.
Dear M.: You were physically beaten up by your brother because you choose not to babysit when your SIL dumped her baby on you without even asking you first? As though your bonding with your own son didn’t matter and neither did you? Well, I’m with you, your brother’s response to that was nuts. Forgive, yes…but with no apology and no help with your medical expenses, forget? I don’t think so! Has he ever seen his behavior as pathological and sought treatment? I didn’t think so. What a heartbreak to lose a brother…to just have to watch him disintegrate and then end up his victim. People go to jail for that. That’s what restraining orders are for. It isn’t something minor to just ignore.
If you did, I can understand why but the scars remain. It would be “pie in the sky” to say they haven’t. Blessings, Luise
Dear M,
I’m so very sorry! You were physically attacked? Bless you!!
Hi and thank you. Your kind and validating words are very appreciated. I do not talk about this to anyone, and it has been like therapy to get it out. I ended up leaving the condo with the 4 kids that evening and drove straight through crying all the way. Thank goodness that they all slept and I only had to make one stop. God carried me through. I didn’t even have proper directions. I just backtracked with the old wrinkled up mapquest that I had in case on the way down. My sister stayed and then drove home with my parents. This all occurred last July. I had to go back to work with everyone asking how my trip went. Now hear is the final blow. When I got back from this horrible excursion, my brother in law came over to make sure that I was ok. I felt thankful for his support. He was like a big brother to me. I cried and he listened. Of course my husband had no comment and no support to offer. I know that this all sounds so weird/aweful, but our family has truly felt normal until all of this. So the next day after I had returned from the vacation, my BIL came over again while my children and I were playing in our backyard. My sister is still gone. My BIL asked me to have an affair. I freaked out and asked him to leave and to never come back. So here I am with my husband and his addiction, my brother attacked me, and my brother in law hit on me. All being absorbed within days. My 13 yr. old dhtr. is old enough to apprehend all of this. It has been so difficult to cope with the reality. It took me up until last Dec. to discuss this with my sister because I didn’t want to touch the situation until I could cope with the others. I just was not strong enough to deal with all of it at once. Ultimately my BIL began stopping by when my husband was gone and I would not answer the door, so due to this, I ended up talking with my sister. Regarding the attack, apparently according to my brother, he felt like this had been building up for years. I honestly had no idea because I’ve baby sat, I’ve gone to all of the parties and get togethers that they’ve had, and all of my nieces birthday parties. I did say words, too, after the attack-but not geared toward their children-the little ones are innocent. Also, regarding the attack-my brother didn’t just come out and attack me directly after this incident. I returned to the condo and told my dad about what had happened and I was very upset. We put the little ones down for a nap, and my mom told my sister and I to go for a walk on the beach and that she would watch my children. FYI, I very seldom drink for obvious reasons. In fact it had been years. So my sister and I-for old time sake, go to this little restaurant on the beach and had to fru fru drinks each. I was tipsy after these two drinks. So we get back to the condo, and when we walked in, my brother, who had also been drinking, glared at me. He told my mom to order dinner for my children because she was more of a mother to them than me. I stood up and told him that I could not believe that he said this. He then began to harp on how bad my husband was, and so I said something about how I thought that my brother was feminine for shaving his chest hair. SIL says, “oh I think it is sooo sexy.” and laughed in my face. Then-here is my bad-I said, “you would, because you like that sort of thing.” Then I told her how sick she made me by always bragging about her children, and the way she raises them. I also mocked how she talks. I wouldn’t have done this had I not had these two drinks. In other words, I wouldn’t have stood up for myself, I would have just ignored them and thought to myself that they are the ones with the problem. Then my brother came at me, ripped my bathing suit top off, picked me up by my neck and then he threw me onto the coffee table. He is about 6’2 and 200lbs., I am 5’7 and about 130lbs. Then he jumped on top of me and began strangling me. My sister and mom tried to get him off. When they realized that they couldn’t, they were able to find my dad in time for him to get my brother off. My dad was crying, my mom was yelling at me-which I don’t understand. My daughter told me that my mom yelling at me after this had happened was what stood out in her mind the most. So I do have some resentment towards my mother because, I have always been the one to turn the other cheek, I am expected to cave to my little brother to keep the peace, he is the successful one that they do not want to upset, he is the one who would keep grandkids away. I have always had to bow to him. Not now. Today was my son’s soccer game. My mom tells me that it says in Matthew to forgive. My mom always tells me to get over it. Here’s my favorite that I hear all of the time, “your brother never mentions any of this to me, but you do. He has gotten over it and has forgiven you, now you need to do the same.” This kills me. What part is she not getting? She is guilty in this to because I think that there are things that she might have let slide prior to the trip-that I didn’t know about. It doesn’t matter, but she must know that I am an overly forgiving person, so for her to keep lecturing me about this is frankly disgusting and disrespectful to me. She is confused about what I want out of all of this. It is not for her to take sides or anything close. It is the acknowledgment of what happened-the reality. She never asks me how my neck is doing-never. She just wants to act like nothing ever happened. The X-rays and treatments are expensive, and I have swallowing trouble. It hurts. I know that she would be there for me in every other area-but just not this one. I have given up expecting her to-but part of me keeps thinking-”how can she not get this?” So, our relationship is somewhat distorted by this. It has affected my work, daily life, holidays, and time together. I guess that all I really want is the acknowledgement that this happened, and for them to be sorry. My mom says love means never having to say it-but in this case I just cannot get passed it. If the situation were reversed, I would have been begging him for forgiveness. This all makes me feel devalued as a person. If this happened to him, I think that everyone would have been by his side. I have a hard time being around my family. I have gained a little weight, but I have tried to stay on track as much as I can for my children. Thank you and God Bless, M
Dear M. To be able to talk about all of this and to be heard with compassion in an anonymous setting is what this website is all about. When my son (Webmaster) can get our Forum up, it will be easier to interact with each other. He was making great progress but his Park Model trailer, second home, near to us burned to the ground on the 7th and his focus necessarily shifted. (They live out of state but come to WA in the summer.)
Physical abuse is untenable. The way you describe it, it sounds to me like your life was in danger. The rest of the stuff piled on top would have broken a lesser person. Favoritism can be deeply damaging. And to selectively quote scripture is a hug cop-out in my book. They obviously can’t acknowledge what happened. It would be a reality check and no way can they go there. We can. We do. We have. And no, we aren’t the principles and the ones whose concern matters…but what you are experiencing here is deep caring, understanding and compassion. It’s real and offered from the heart. Blessings, Luise
Thank you so much Louise. I am very sorry to hear of what your son is going through right now. I will pray for your family. God Bless, M.
It is wonderful to have prayers said. I/we appreciate it a lot. Blessings, Luise
Hello, I am a DIL in need of your advice. My MIL has said some very unthoughtful and hurtful things and have made comments that I feel were offensive and unChrist like. Now, she is preparing for a major surgery and my husband alluded to the fact that someone needs to take turns and stay with her while she is in the hospital. Granted, her husband, is suffering from Cancer but never really accompanies her on overnight hospital stays, why? I don’t know, Usually it is her other son’s wife who will inconvenience herself to do these things and I feel bad that I should even be put on the spot to make a decision like that. I know if my mother was going to undergo major surgery, I would work out a game plan, amongst my siblings and not even ask my spouse to spend time with my mother. I don’t know how to feel and I want to alleviate the stress from having to worry about his mother but am I wrong to feel this way and should not he (her son) be taking a more aggressive role in the care of his own mother? Please somebody help!!!! J.
Dear J.: Some men are really quick on their feet when it comes to passing the buck. Looks like you may have picked on of those. It’s really handy to call family hospital support “woman’s work”, if you can get away with it. On the other hand, it’s his mom…pleasant or unpleasant. Can you maybe grit your teeth, step up to the plate and do your best is a messy situation? That’s really what it’s going to take. Refusing may well be seen as declaring war. Blessings, Luise
Dear Luise: I don’t know what to do about my future MIL, if anything can be done? I read this whole thread and didn’t see anything like this. I love my fiance (boyfriend of 5 years). After a dating a few months, I was happy to meet his mother, who did a great job raising him as a single parent. My own parents love my fiance, and they only see him when they see us together as a couple.
When I first met my future MIL, she really, really liked me. I was pleased and excited she liked me so much, because I love my fiance. But then she began to call me more and more and wanting to see me, it seemed as a “new best friend.” When I wouldn’t have time to see her for a “girls day” or a “girls night” or suggested instead all 3 of us do something together, she’d pout, and say she and I needed to bond “alone.”
She’d ask to see me one-on-one twice or three times a week. When I had to start saying no, I had too much work, plans, or to see my own family, or just spend time with my fiance (her son!), she’d get pouty, like I rejected her.
She’d ask me to do things in a way almost just so I would have to reject her. Showing up unannounced, calling late, calling when she already knew we were at parties or dinners and asking if I’d come visit. Then always, acting very sad or hurt that I’d say sorry but not a good time. I hated feeling like I was being mean.
My fiance said she was always like that, and she just needed to be told no and for me to ignore her reaction. But its getting worse.
My parents are paying for our wedding, but she wants to be listed as a host on the invitation. We never asked her to pay anything, but she regularly offers “You know, I don’t have any money for your wedding, I can hardly afford a dress.” But yet she always asks me to go to Vegas for a weekend with her, her “treat.” When I say no to a weekend away with her, she cries! When my fiance told her no about the wedding host listing, she told him she “knew” I was the one stopping it. She said she cried for weeks, but I feel like I’m being manipulated by tears and tantrums, and my fiance doesn’t think its fair to my parents. The tears don’t bother him anymore, he says.
She will escalate the invites, and every time playing victim. I will say yes to see her once a week, but that is not enough for her. She is starting to offer much “advice” about the wedding. She thought we should release doves, or have jugglers, or have houseplants instead of flowers. We listen politely, say “thank you for your input” and she’ll say “well? will you do it? will you?” then we say “We’ll think about it” and she’ll get mad or sad and say “No one cares what I think!”
We started looking at houses and she wants to come. But we both agree we can’t bring her, because this is a business transaction and her emotional responses to everything will make a serious process even more challenging. So she started showing up at Sunday Open Houses in the area we’re looking at! We’re greeted with much fanfare, and then a “where are we going next?” (We stopped going to Open Houses).
She is telling my fiance’s relatives, and people we both know that I’m stealing her son from her, and that I am trying to turn him against her. She’ll say how she’s trying so hard with me, but that I’m cold. She said I reject her, probably because she has no money. And that we’re leaving her out of the wedding, and she’s just supposed to be like any other guest. She says she’d be surprised if we ever have her at our home, because we won’t even let her look at houses with us.
I have tried harder with her than anyone in my life, and I hate feeling like I’m the bad guy all the time. Please, someone, anyone, help! Q.
Dear Q.: I will be responding soon but in the meantime would you consider copying and pasting your question on my new website Forum: http://www.motherinlawsunite.com/
The site is only a week old but there are already wise-women over there that I would like to see support you. Blessings, Luise
Dear Q.: Your number one job, as I see it, is to remember who the “bad guy” is. Your husband-to-be comes with a pretty large load of baggage. Best to call it what it is, right from the start and unite on how you are going to cope with it. I have heard on other threads on my website from women who only found out what they were up against after they married, and have honestly felt that they wouldn’t have married if they had know what lay ahead. That has been true even to the degree that divorce became the only solution; love wasn’t enough. All of that depends on your own strength, of course, and the solidarity that you establish with your guy. That’s where the key is. His mom is a mess. Logic is never going to work with her because she has a very distorted reality. You are not a toy that her son brought home for her to play with. And marriage is not the three of you living happily ever after. Know that there’s a 99% chance that she always will be a mess. Start from there and plan your mutual strategy accordingly. Blessings, Luise
Thank you Luise. My fiance tells me just to ignore her. That’s what he does. Since we’ve been dating, he sees her far, far less than I do, less than once a month. He is not manipulated by her requests or her tears or her “me as victim” game. He said that is what she does for attention, so he does not reward it. He is polite to her and respectful to her, but he mainly avoids her. More and more, I’ve noticed. Because he saw her more when he did not have a girlfriend, she blames me, because it was “ever since I came along.” I guess its harder for me because as the newcomer of their family, I do want a level of acceptance from her and my fiance’s other relatives. I know my future MIL has told her own siblings and neices (his cousins) how hard-headed and obstinate and even greedy I am for not putting her name on the wedding invite, or implementing her (alas, odd) suggestions. My family is not wealthy, but they budgeted saved for both their daughters’ weddings, for years. She uses that as “proof” that I put money first.
That she just shows up at my house and I cannot always entertain her, she uses as “proof” I am treating her “like a stranger.” I asked her to call first, for her own convenience, and she was indignant. She will find out if I saw my family twice, and then mention it in such a way like I “owe” her a visit or I’m “playing favorites.” I did not ever think lunch with my sister would earn me a debt for a lunch with my MIL. It’s getting to where I am wanting to see her less and less, because she uses each visit to milk information from me to secure more from me. I love him, he is the man of my dreams. He is courteous and thoughtful and hardworking and gentle and understanding, and he makes me laugh like no one else! I think my fiance might be content to see his mother very infrequently or not at all. I would feel like it is my fault if my future husband did not have a relationship with his mother. Thanks for your insight. Q.
As soon as you can, please try to get that none of it is your fault. It was all in place and firmly established long before you met your to-be. You are just playing into her hand when you accept guilt. Be the up gal your guy loves and don’t let her take you down. Distance…you need distance, to my way of thinking and lots of it.
Hi at least I am not the only one here with a similar problem. My son met his wife in 2004 when he returned from the Middle East at a party . My mother (Rest in peace ) met her she did not like her. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. We, including my ex and his wife, all tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. She had one daughter,,3 years old when my son adopted her and they married in July 2004 (only a few months after they met.) Her parents and her left my son in 2005, a few months before my grandson was born . I made a trip to TN to see my grandson, son and to talk to her . I also had a long talk to her mother.
Anyway I should have never put my two cents in because they have gotten back together. When my mother died in October 2008, my son finally came out to NY . While my son was grieving over his grandmother, she actually leaving hurtful messages and nasty text for him to get back to TN (she was pregnant again.) Then she had a nerve to ask my son, “is your mom giving you any money from your grandmother?” If my fist could in any way to go through the wireless network I would have punched her right in her mouth. Anyway I told my son that I wish I stayed out of it. My son said that she is going through hormonal change. I wasn’t like that when I was pregnant with him and his sister. My grandson and her daughter (who I also called my granddaughter) always received a gift from me on their birthdays and the holidays. They never call. I have to call them. My son is so manipulated by her it is not funny. On mothers day this year, I called her to wish her a happy mothers day. My son called me with his son in WAL*MART. I asked him where was, he said he was buying his mother in law a gift. Well what about your own mother? Thank God for my daughter and her boyfriend treat me with more respect then my own son does. Thank God for being blessed with a grandchild who is very close to me , my daughter’s child . Also my son’s step daughter, who he adopted , said once on the phone, I don’t want to talk to her, she is not my grandma . That was like a knife stabbing me . So I did not send her a birthday card or gift. I was going to send a gift to my grandson but I plan to see them in September. (I really don’t want to go.) Every time I call my son it’s always the voice message. I don’t want to talk to my daughter in law . When I was about to call my grandson on his birthday, I received a nasty text message from my daughter in law. Again when I contacted my son on his birthday, she again text me a nasty text message. I finally contacted my son to tell him that he was brought up differently, he has no back bone. I told him when I come down to TN I will stay in a motel and rent a car. I don’t want to see her, I want to see my grandchildren. I don’t care if he brings the older one. I really want to end my relationship with my son. I feel more close to my friend’s children then to my son’s children. I don’t feel any bonds with his children. I am so hurt and angry. Help. B.
Dear B. You are facing what many of us have had to face which are the consequences of the poor choices made by our adult children. There is such a delicate balance in staying out of what is going on with them and staying connected to them and their kids. We have to grow in the process, at least I have had to. We can’t let anger, hurt an fear drive us (it only makes things worse) and sometimes it is very hard no to. We had hopes and dreams about how an extended family would look and feel and many of us have a lot of adjusting to do when faced with the real thing. All you can do is your best. You can only give lovingly what is received graciously. Blessings, Luise
Dear B. I do see that your own son has let you down, but I don’t see how his wife has manipulated him to do that. If your own son does not call you or send you enough gifts, I do not think that is the fault of his wife. I think that is the fault, or choice, of your own son.
I read your post a few times. Other than where your DIL sent you texts at the end, I don’t even see what she has ever actually done “to” you. Your wrote your mother didn’t like her from the start. You don’t sound like you ever liked her, you “tried to give her the benefit of the doubt”. When she said private things to her own husband (that he should not have shared with you, again, your son’s mistake) – you wanted to punch her. When you feel that way about a woman, a woman can sense your aggression. It does not surprise me that you and she have not bonded, because you never liked her and she always knew this.
Please do not blame the fact that you ddidn’t ever like this young woman, on how your own son is choosing to treat his mother. Perhaps he does not like how you treat his wife, whome he loves and chose as his life partner – and so seeing how poorly you treat her is causing him to lose respect for you. Perhaps he has his own reasons for not wanting to be around someone with such negative aggressive emotions toward his family. You also sound very angry at him, and understand this feeling makes people want to get away, not come closer. It is impossible to “demand” affection the way you wrote you try to do.
My own MIL is trying to demand from me, and I spend less and less time with her. My husband does as well, but not because I ask him or manipulate him. He does not like her negative beahvior either, so he stays away from it. The angrier my MIL gets, the less time I am spending with her.
B, you get more bees with honey than with vinegar. I hope you have a good trip to Tennessee, but please leave the anger back home and you will have a much nicer experience with your own son. Thanks, Q
To B and Q: Points well taken. Thank you. And of course there are people who can be manipulated. Controllers do exist as well as “controlees.” It’s great to see a dialogue forming and points of view and experiences being shared even though it is somewhat cumbersome on my site.
Please consider, both of you, coming over to my web Forum as well: http://www.motherinlawsunite.com We just started but we are getting both sides of the story as we grown and expand and that’s what it’s for. Blessings, Luise
Dear Luise: My son’s dad was killed when he was 2, and so I raised him as a single mom. He and I were very close, and I remarried when he was 12. A few years later, he started telling me that he wanted his step dad and I to move out when he turned 18 (he inherited his house from his dad’s estate). My husband and I subsequently started having problems in our marriage. Around the same time, my son met a girl whom he dated throughout high school. Turns out, this girl’s mother and I went to school together, and she was never one of my favorite people. I tried to be friends with her for my son’s sake, and told her some things that happened with my son’s dad and me. This lady then turns things around and tells my son I am saying bad things about his father. Meanwhile, I divorced and remarried my husband and moved out of my son’s house when he was 17. My mother pretty much stayed with my son because he did not want to move the 50 miles away to be with me and my new husband. He didn’t want to leave his school and friends. Soon after, my son broke up with this girl in their senior year of high school, and her mother set her up with another guy with whom she became engaged. However, the girl’s family quickly found out this guy was not a good man and started devising ways to break them up and get their daughter and my son back together. After 1 1/2 years of their daughter treating my son like crap and me being there to listen to him and support him, they are back together. I don’t have a problem with her…I really want to have a good relationship with her. The problem is with her mother. She maintains that I abandoned my son and has colored his view of me when he was the one saying he wanted to live alone when he turned 18–the September before graduating from high school. This lady and my soon to be DIL went to pick out invitations fo the wedding, and my future in-laws decided to leave me off the invitation. My son treats me like crap most of the time now. He doesn’t call often, and when I call him, and he is with them, he offers one-word answers to my questions and rolls his eyes in front of his future MIL about me. I was ok with him not calling me everyday as long as his heart was happy, but this treatment is really hurting me. His future MIL seems to undermine me and put me down in front of him, and he lets her! It hurts so badly. I have twin 2-year old daughters with my new husband, and so I think his future MIL suggests to him that I am too busy for him. In addition, he and my new husband are not close at all. I feel like I have lost my son, and I am powerless to do anything about it. E.
Dear E. What a heartbreak. There is nothing you can do that I know of when an adult child drifts off and then makes choices that widen the gap. You can continue to love him and you can hope and pray he will become wiser as he gets older…but you have your life to life. I would like to invite you to bring your issue over to my web Forum; http://www.motherinlawsunite.com It is very new but a critical mass of collective wisdom is forming there that could be a source of support for you. Blessings, Luise
I’m a DIL and honestly, I’m absolutely disgusted with my in-laws. They raised my husband to be EXTREMELY dependent and belligerent, not willing to try anything new or different. He’s very obsessive and has to have things his own way or he lashes out like a very young child because he’s been reinforced for acting this way his entire life. In fact, I’m so disgusted with him and their twisted relationship after three years of witnessing these toxic family dynamics that I’m on the verge of divorcing him just so I can divorce them as well. There is no helping him as long as mommy and daddy are right up the road to wipe his hiney for him. I stopped going to their house a long time ago because they treat him like a baby who can’t do anything for himself, they have a spoiled monster of a grandchild living with them who makes any visit all the more obnoxious, as well as their dysfunctional, socially-challenged daughter who has racked up multiple DUIs and can’t seem to hold down a job or keep herself together. Yet there are excuses all around for her crazy behavior and unwelcome outbursts as well as my husband’s childish antics and unwillingness to explore the world outside our front yard. My sister-in-law recently cornered me in a public place in front of one of my clients and lit into me, very embarrassingly, about why I never come to see them. His mother calls and demands to know why I never want to spend time with them and wants to know my whereabouts, as well as his. My MIL calls my husband every single day after work to see if anybody messed with her baby. It’s absolutely disgusting to me. I was raised to be extremely independent and unfortunately, my husband made the mistake of accepting financial assistance from them against my wishes, so now they really think they need to be up in our business. I want out. If all MILs raise children with an umbilical cord that still hasn’t been cut at the age of 32 and beyond, I don’t think I want another one. D.
Lots of sympathy coming from here…but I have to wonder what you made you pick the guy as your Prince Charming. Aren’t you responsible for that? Come on over to http://motherinlawsunite.com , my web forum, and put it out there. You might get some useful perspective. Blessings, Luise
Thank GOD I found this web site. I need advise. My son and a girlfriend had a son 8 years ago. It was a rocky relationship that didn’t last. The girlfriend caused problems for everyone after the split and wasn’t a good mother. Because she wasn’t a good mother, my daughter had emergency custody of the child twice, with some help from my son but the court eventually gave the child back to the mother. One day, the old girlfriend drops him off at my son’s for a visit and didn’t come back. So, my son set about taking care of my grandson (3 yrs old) as best he could. Two years later, he had a new girlfriend but not custody of his son and couldn’t enroll him in school. So, he sent my grandson back to the mother. He could have tried for custody but didn’t, for reasons known only to him. Plans were started for a wedding. My daughter made a statement that if it wasn’t for the new girlfriend, my son wouldn’t have given his son back to his mother and offense was taken. My daughter should not have said this, I know. But she did and World War 3 began. They won’t talk to my daughter or any of her children or be anywhere around them. It’s very stressful. Now, my grandson wasn’t allowed to attend the wedding (2 years ago) because of his mother and my son hasn’t seen him since. I repeatedly asked him if he had been in contact him and was always told no. Late last summer, an opportunity presented itself and my daughter was able to bring my grandson to my house for a visit. It was the first time I had seen him in about 1 1/2 years. Because it was my daughter that located him and brought him to my house and because they were still angry, I did not tell my son or his wife that I had seen my grandson. I know that I should have but I felt that it wouldn’t go over very well. And it didn’t. I told them yesterday and my DIL screamed that this was not our business but my son’s business, that we had no right to see the child without telling them and that my son has a new family now and that we didn’t have any consideration for them or their safety…and on and on. My DIL blames my daughter for all of this and has washed her hands of all of us…even threatening divorce of my son. I feel bad that I didn’t tell my son. I feel bad that she is threatening him in this way. But my DIL is a bridge burner when things don’t go her way and I just wanted to see my grandson. There is more by this is the gist of the long story. Help anyone? Please? L.
Dear L.: How often something we say or do, (or a family member says or does), comes back to haunt us. And yet, we’re human. We make mistakes and poor judgment calls. The trouble is that while asking for (or even demanding) forgiveness, we don’t forgive and it’s a two-way street. Please bring your dilemma over to my web-forum: http://www.motherinlawsunite.com I established it only recently so we would have room for discussion. Blessings, Luise
My sister, my sister in law and I all have daughter in laws with the same first name. The three of them are hell on wheels. We laugh about it and blame it on the same name and joke that the name must be cursed! I didn’t like my mother in law but I NEVER would have talked to her or treated the the way my daughter in law treats me. I will always be my son’s mom, I hope she can say she will always be his wife. D.
Dear D.: What a strange coincidence! Weird! We are seeing some obvious changes in our culture regarding a certain level of respect between generations. Some think it is a side-effect of Feminism. (Collateral damage?) I have a web-Forum that I would like you to consider joining that address these issues: http://www.motherinlawsunite.com It’s relatively new but the wisdom and support there is building. Blessings, Luise
My DIL is a bully and is verbally abusive. Her favorite form of attack is email. Used to be telephone messages. She pretends to be warm and friendly when we are spending money on their family. We never visit uninvited, we do not care what they do, where they go, etc. Our son chose her and that is none of our business. When we are invited along we must do exactly what she wants when she wants or it bullying time again. She was a bully to my MIL even when she was dying. My MIL begged to be put into hospice because of my DIL and her bullying. No one on my husband’s side of the family will give her the time of day. Our son has lost all contact with his cousins because of her. When she is not bullying our side of the family then it’s her side. Her soon-to-be sister in law was overheard at their last party saying I can’t wait until we can get the heck out of here, she’s crazy! My DIL has used our grandsons as pawns. My husband has decided he no longer cares if he ever sees them and my DIL will blame me. I have given up. The last email from her was how rotten I have been for 10 years. Hmmmm…selected nice gifts for her, often bought her items she picked out herself, or items she told us we could buy for her. Then the email arrives and said I have never bought her a nice gift? I was instructed never to buy her another gift! I was told my grandsons cannot stand me. Hmmmm…they said they love me. I was told my husband cannot stand me. Hmmm…did he think it was his father taking care of them as children? His father was an alcoholic and I sometimes worked two jobs to make sure he and his sister had food on the table, a roof over their heads and clothes on their backs. Yeah, I am a real looser. Good thing I can cut through the crap. If my own mother had not been bipolar I might not have recognized the issue. My DIL said she does not need medication and there is nothing wrong with her. Her own father is ALWAYS joking with us about how awful she is and her own mother on her wedding day said she would rather have had a million sons that this one daughter. I guess my DIL is right and the problem is all me. T.
What a tough state of affairs. No matter what you do, it’s wrong and I suppose if you don’t don’t do anything that’s even worse. Please consider coming over to my web-Forum at: http://www.motherinlawsunite.com You can copy and paste your comment there and share your experience. The members have a lot of collective wisdom and offer options, support and understanding. Blessings, Luise
I have/had a daughter-in-law I can’t stand. If fact I hate her guts. My son finally divorced her the 15th of Oct. Didn’t do any good. She has him put in jail every time he doesn’t do what she wants. She is always saying he beats her up when in fact he doesn’t. That is a known fact. She had me put in jail over a phone call, and I had just got out of surgery for breast cancer. She shoots at his car, cuts his tires, sneaks around at night. She has a no contact order put on him then comes to my house and calls him. Nothing is ever done. The police will do nothing. She has friends in the warrant office so a warrant is never served on her. Hopefully she will fade away with the devil. I don’t know what to do any more. She is a fatal attraction. C.
What a nasty mess for everyone concerned. I’m sorry. Blessings, Luise
Hello there! I am a DIL to a very lovely, but extremely needy MIL. She has all of the best intentions, but sometimes I feel as though she forgets the fact that I have a mother that I’m extremely close to. For example, she invited me to another state to go wedding dress shopping, without even considering the fact that my own mom might want to be there with me as I found my wedding dress. So you see, nothing but the best intentions — wants me to be happy, wants to be involved, etc., but sometimes forgets what is most important to me. I completely agree with a couple of people out there who said, “the more you back off, the better it will be.” I find myself in that situation. Sometimes my MIL wants to be SO involved in everything, that she forgets about all of the people most important in my life (besides my husband, of course!
like my own mom, or my sister. But, most recently, she has backed off some. Now, I feel like I have the opportunity or the desire to pick up the phone and call her for a change. So, I guess what I’m saying is: don’t try so hard. Make it known your offer still stands and then wait to see if she will bite — instead of constantly calling, constantly offering advice, constantly jumping up to help. Give her a chance to come to you. Play a little hard to get and see if that will help. It did for me…S.
Dear S. Some listen and respond…but not all. You were incredibly lucky! You might want to bring your heartening story over to my Web-forum: http://www.motherinlawsunite.com Blessings, Luise
I have to agree with the comment from “S” above. My mother and my wife didn’t start off with too good of a relationship. My mother, while very well intentioned, would often give my wife advice on various little things such as cooking or cleaning or decorating… I never had any problem with it because I took what my mother said as advice; my wife on the other hand would always take it as criticism. Let me tell all of you ladies out there, that was a horrible position for me to be in. The husband/son has only one goal for the relationship between his wife and his mother, HARMONY. I would tell my mother to stop giving my wife advice because it upsets her. Mom couldn’t understand why because she never intended to upset my wife. I would tell my wife to not take what my mother was saying personally because she wasn’t critiquing, she was only helping the best way she knows how. My wife wouldn’t believe me; she kept viewing it as nitpicking and criticizing. To all of you mothers and wives, please listen to your husband/son’s advice in these situations; we are playing the role of the moderator and truly know and understand both sides. I know my mother thought I was betraying her and had married a hypersensitive overly emotional woman, while my wife thought my mother was an overreaching control freak. Of course they were both wrong, but I still became the unsupportive husband/son. Then all of a sudden, my mother just quit giving my wife “advice” and things started to improve. Believe it or not, my wife now actually asks my mother for advice on many different things. Mission accomplished…HARMONY! Although looking back, I’m still amazed how a simple comment like, “Oh Honey, you don’t want those curtains”, can start World War 3.
How do you react when your son/daughter in law tells you not to visit for Easter? J.
J. Please bring this issue over to my web-forum: http://www.wisewomenunite.com Blessings, Luise
Dear luise,I would dearly love any help regarding my daughter inlaw. The sad fact is last year she verbally abused and threatened mr with a broom. I can in all honesty say that i have done nothing nor have I said anything to make her treat me this way. I am proud of my son for telling her noy to treat or speak to me that way again. I also have two beautiful grand children which I only get to see for just a few hours in the few weeks I spend with them. I can only see my son and family as distance and financal reasons prevent me from doing otherwise. I ring as much as possible and try to keep the communication open. I donot in anyway intrfere in my sons marriage or nor do say how they are to raise their children. My understanding that if my daughter inlaw wishes to have me in her childrens lives then why is there no photographs of my husband and I or my sons family. I have asked my son this very question and sadly his answer was he didnt know why, and so I didnt ask again. Also his marriage isnt very stable ,but here again I cant help with this as it they who have sort this out. One good thing is that my daughter inlaw is a very good mother as is my son a good father. But I have noticed as has my husband that since that crazy outburst last year our son has hardly spoken to us nor his imidate family. It is nowat the point where my husband can only step back .The fact remains will our grandchildren get to know us ,If my daughter inlaw keeps having her way then I would say a big no. what can I do but love our son and grandchildren but not see them. thankyou . P.
Please come over to y Web-forum http://www.wisewomenunite.com You will find understanding and advice there.
Oh well i think i’m not alone , but my case is so frustration ,because in the first place she was very nice to me and i really did my best to win her “frienship” and apreciation. I’m a from a different country, have no relatives here and saw her as a mother .Days ago, we(my husband and I ), took vacations to a place she choose because she always wanted to go and for her age was affraid to go alone , we planned everything and asked her if everything was ok and she did agree, on the way to our destination we stopped in a latino store to buy some special items i don’t find in our town ,well i was very desapointed the way she made comments about inmigrants and everything in the store seems like gross her out,then she made comments about how horrible people lived in that area and she couldn’t live even park her car there ,it really hurts me the way she acted , but the worst part was that my husband took it like a joke or something , and didn’t talked to her about . the trip was horrible because in a point my husband told her that if im not happy they will ignore me and they did , so i acted really quiet, listening my music and reading a magazin , she apologized to me , but it was like she didn’t mean it .in our aniversary day (3rd day of vacations) she made a comment of how good cook was the ex wife of my husband and i started to cry and told her that it wasn’t nice. E.
She is how she is and she isn’t going to change. Please come over to my Web-forum: http://www.wisewomenunite.com with your issue. It is a wise and caring community. Blessings, Luise
l have got the most difficult mother in law.when l was not yet married we didn’t see each other much and she used to send me presents,when l got married she did not like me at first sight l think,she would complain about me when l was a week old into marriage,and came to the extend of hating her own son.no matter how good you do to her she always walks around talking about me that since l came into their family there is no peace.l dont even know where l was wrong.l used to stay with her and would gossip me with my maid,until she openely told me to move out of the house because she could not stay with me,l moved out but up to now she doesn’t like me and even her son,but she likes the other daughter in law no matter how she does things badly.please help. T.
Please come over to my Web-forum with this. http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com I’m sure our community can be of some support. Blessings, Luise
i have lots of problem:
i,my son,& husband are living seperate from my mother-in-law but there also many problem.
1. cleanlyness: there is no cleanness as 1%. if he goes to toilet he pour very little water in toilet & never pout in her legs. he never washes vessels with soap.never washes vegetables……
2.food: if my mother ,father,she(in law-no husband),her father,my husband,me, my son(3 yrs),my sister are together for my son’s b’day. then anybody can tell how many glasses of rice u cook(1glass=200ml) X.
anybody give me tips to come over.plz help me. what to do. X.
When a man tells him mom he chose the woman he wants to marry, NO MATTER WHAT SHE NEEDS TO ACCEPT THEM! You dont live with her, you wont grow old and die with her, he will. Its not your choice. Your job as a good mom is to support him and advise him, when he asks for it. If you make him chose between you and her, if they are happily married he will chose her and he should.
I am VERY happily married, but my mother-in-law has always disliked me, the minute he chose me over her it was “on”. She has always said I try to “keep him from her” and “I wouldnt let him see her”. But we had one car and both worked 80+ hours a week at the time, we were just busy. Is that really so hard to believe? Now we have 2 cars a house and are well set up, when we met we had nothing, why cant she understand we are just working hard to have all this? His mom always says I “controll him”, well all I can do is laugh at that. He does what he wants, all I controll is the work schedules (ie that means keeping up with them) and the bank account. And I have always tried to get him to take care of the bank account I hate doing it, I am just better at it. At our wedding on video, when they asked what did you think of the wedding, she said “it was gay”. I have always tried to get along with his family, he has a sister and a brother, my sister has autism. She doesnt talk, she is aggressive and non-communicative. I always looked foward to having a brother and sister that actually talked back and would go eat or shop with me. I never had a problem with his mom until she started all this crazy she controlls you stuff. I never wanted him to stop talking to his family, as a wife it breaks my heart to see him mad no matter how mad I am at them.
He got in an arguement with his sister and his mom chose to argue for his sister, they both said very hateful things about me to him. Like “shes a bad person” she is ruining your relationship with your family” and worse that I wont type. But I was quietly just sitting there listening to him trying to defend me and they werent even arguing about me to begin with. Somehow every arguement they have goes back to them hating me. So hen he started crying I got on the phone and started arguing back for him, long story short we all said hateful things and me and my hubby hung up the phones after saying “we dont want anything to do with you anymore dont come to our house”. So, ofcourse the next day she shows up outside screaming with her redneck boyfriend and refuses to leave after I told her I would call the cops, she attacked me like a rabid animal. I didnt even hit her back I was just trying to get her off. She hit me, kicked me, sratched me and held onto my hair the entire time. So, I got taken to the ground 4 times and then decided to fight back, I hit her 4-5 times and she left.
Now, after my husband testified against her, we have an order of protection on her and shes not allowed to contact us for 5 years or longer if we get it extended. And in my opinion I did her a big favor by not putting her in jail for assault. And now she is trying to turn my husbands family against both of us by lieing and saying I attacked her and wouldnt let go. All she had to do was keep her emotions in check and her thoughts to herself. But now she has lost her relationship with my husband and will have nothing to do with our kids. So before you go trashing/hating your daughter-in-law, stop and think about what you want to say and maybe talk to her before you build a lot of emotions and hate over a simple misunderstanding. And dont put your son in the middle of it and cause thier marraige problems. J,
Very well put, J. You may want to come over to my Web-forum: http://www.WiseWomenUnite .com Blessings, Luise
Hate to break this to you ladies, but it says a lot about the character of a person who is willing to bash others in the way you are here. No wonder your sons nor their families don’t come to see you if this is the way you behave.
Your son has a new family and new responsibilities now. His wife is his number one priority, rightfully so, as you were your husband’s number one priority when you married.If you speak poorly about his wife, he is not going to want to see you. I’m not sure why that is a surprise. E.
Good thinking. Come on over to my Web-forum if you’d like: http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com Blessings, Luise
Please stop assuming that your daughter in law is some person manipulating your adult son. Your sons are adults who can decide for themselves, and if they decide not to see you, there definitely is a reason why. D.
And if the guys can’t stand up for themselves…mom may have had something to do with that!
Totally Agree 100% with the previous comment!A.
Hello, It is somehow comfortint go know that I am not alone in this unchartd territory of the mother-in-law. While I have know my DIL for aover 15 years, I still feel that I have no ideas as to what makes her tic, what makes her happy and/or what makes her smile. While my granddaughter (4) and I have a great relationship, mom seems to be quite jealous and does not seem to want to allow much one-on-one time. We have cut back dramatically on toys, clothes, etc. for the kids (4&1)(they were living in a very rural area of California. I would often buy cloting at high- end thrift stores and make any little repairs and make them look brand new. They were always 100% cotton and one-of a kind fnds. We didn’t receive much — ifany appreciation ton these. but my granddaugher loves them. They wil say thank you for few things, and alomost never. While there will be weeks spent over the course of the year with my DILS family, there is very litle time spent wth us – - event thought we are only down the road by miles. I might as well be 2200 miles. so now they have move dot Denver, CA — and I shoule be offer hi any free, My attempt at conversaton are met with (yes, now, maybe, S.
Tough stuff! You might want to come over to my Web-forum: http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com to find support and understanding on this.
My daughter-in-law and I have a very on again off agian relationship. Right now she has found offence with my “Faebook” friend request and I fear she’s puttng pressure on my son to take sides between us. My daughter, his sister, is going out of the country for a year and all of a sudden my son and his wife will be unable to attend the going away family dinner I’ve been planning for her. It’s a ridiculous situation and I’m getting a bit resentful. This girl is very immature, has up and quit two jobs in the last two years and did so in a manner that won’t allow her to use these work experiences as job references. She feels she is always the one being attacked, never accepts responcibilty of any kind and has numerous conflicts with friends and family. She graduated with a 4 year college degree that no longer interests her and currently sits at home with little to do. What’s worse. she dictates who my son can spend time with, she has turned away long time friends. I fear she wants to do this with his family as well. My son has a stressful job, an unemployed wife and I don’t want to add to that. What I’m asking for here I guess is advice on how to deal with her so that I can maintain a realtionship with my adult child. M.
I have established a Web-forum for the kinds of issues you are describing. Come on over and I’ll see you there. http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com Blessings, Luise
DEAR LUISE: My only son has been married for 7 years to my daughter in law who I have always thougt of as a “daughter”. Unfortunately, in the fall of last year my ex-husband passed away. He was in a nursing home for the last 4 years and we have been divorced for 18 years. He was an alcoholic. When my son married,my ex husband was able to attend the wedding. He was sober for three years. After that all down hill. In the interim my son and DIL had two boys (one is now 4 and the other is 11/2). I took care of my ex in the nursing home for years. I also asked my son to come with me or go to see his father. I always got an angry reply. When my husband died, my son planned the funeral with me and my DIL. I wanted to help them so I gave them a $10,000 policy I took out on my ex when we got married. I was still the beneficiary but turned it over to my son and DIL. The funeral was nice but too many phoney people who never gave a rat’s a– came. Flowers were ridiculous from my DIL’s family who never even met the man or knew the good things about him. Any way, it has been almosts a year since he passed. I got a phone call from my son asking what I intended to do with his father’s pension which the Judge granted me in my divorce decree many years ago because the Judge knew I would never get child support. I told him I was going to get my house painted and try and save my home from foreclosure. He felt his children should get half and I told him it was not an inheritence, it was soooo much less than what child support would have been for all those years. He called me selfish. I am the most unselfish human being on this planet ande since then, my son and DIL have been so cruel to me. Her parents have money and a home in another country. My son and DIL do very well. I take care of my 83 year old uncle and just make ends meet. I am never allowed to care for my grandchildren. I always go to their home after asking or practically begging. I always bring dinner to make things easier for them. She twists my words soo much. Now, because of this money thing, they basically threw me away. I am getting so very sick because I love my son so much and have been a mom and dad to him for years. She tells me I try to make my son feel guilty for not seeing his dad. I would never do that. I made peace with his dad many years ago and took care of him beecause he had no one else. I put the shoe on the other foot always. If I was rich like my sisters, I am sure all would be OK. It cant be anything else but the money. I dont harrass, never cruel, love my grandchildren with my soul and don’t understand. His 31st birthday is coming up and this will be the first in 30 years that I probably wont share with him. DIL doesn’t even e-mail or call me ever and my son doesn’t either. Hurting so very bad and am so lost without my grandchildren. When I die, everything I have is theirs, but not while I am alive. I just can’t at this point in my life. What do I do? C.
You can’t do anything that I know of. You have been fair and reasonable and they have made choices that they are free to make if they see fit. Please come over to my Web-forum that I established for those of us (and we a legion) that have problems with our adult children. There is much understanding to be had there…and healing, as well. It ‘s at: http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com Blessings, Luise
I am a Mother in Law and I do not claim to be perfect in anyway, I make mistakes, we all do were human, but there is something wrong when a young lady feels threatened by her husbands Mother. I was a young bride I know how hard it is, therefore I really try hard to let the little things go. There is a level of tolorance and respect that needs to be displayed on both ends. But when she starts delibrately lying and manipulating mine and my son’s relationship – somethings wrong. i love my son enough to know that this is a horrible place to be in, i dont want him to choose between his Mother and his wife. so I backed out gracefully and it hurts,next to losing a child in death its the toughest thing i have ever had to do. But I did it for him. And he knows it, it hurts him too.. So you think that would end the turmoil? Hec to the no! now she is manipulating my husband. The good news is my husband sees through it. He knows our son has his hands full. Our son works, comes home to a filthy home, no dinner, and is expected to take over the duties of our 16 month old grandson. One day he will grow up and get married there you have it, the circle of life. S.
Please come over to my Web-forum for women with issue involving their adult children and extended families. It is at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com Your story is terribly sad and yet it is a very familiar one. Perhaps you will find some comfort there. Blessings, Luise
My son had been dating my DIL for several years, they became pregnant and I now have a beautiful granddaughter. My son quit school and asked me to join them in renting a home so that they could go to college after acquiring their GED that it would cost everyone less by sharing in the expenses and I would be there for my granddaughter. I truly want to see my son acquire a college education for his future as well as for his family. We moved in to the house in October last year. My DIL gave birth in Jan. and has not worked since. Neither have gone back to school. I work full time. I have been told I am crazy, that I have caused my grandaughter to acquire a cold (she was going to the gym and taking my 5 month old grand daughter with her to the gym daycare, mall and anywhere else my DIL wanted to go). My son has not gone back to school. The lease we are in is for 2 years and really is very expensive for utilities (600-700 per month). MY DIL has not paid rent or utilities since January nor the gym membership for the past 5 months (it comes out of my checking account). My son hasn’t paid utilities since March and only $300 out of $1800 in rent. I work 60 yours a weekand am older than 55 yrs old; she stays at home, my son has been working 7 days a week and sometime is only home for 2 hours before having to go back to work. She spends her day watching TV and checking her blackberry or sleeps. She only bathes the baby 1 time per week, my grand daughter is now 10 months old and my DIL refuses to allow her any other food except baby food. My grand daughter just started to sit up without assistance, hasn’t crawl but sure knows the TV remote and cell phone. My DIL does not do the wash, I had to wash my granddaughters sleepers so she would have something to wear. (DIL would rather buy clothes than wash them.) I’m told my bb is annoying and that it will wake the baby up (the baby sleeps with slumber music in her room). My DIL does not cook, wash dishes or put dishes in our out of the dish washer, if she cooks she leaves dirty dishes on the stove, table and sink and leave dishes anywhere she pleases. She smokes outside and would rather someone pick up cigerette butts then put them in the can. I asked her to pick up the butts and she threw them in my flower bed. I asked her to clean up their living room entry (leaves tracked through house) and I was told she would do it later. The baby goes to bed at 7:00 p.m. and my DIL or Son will not get the baby up until 9:30 a.m or later. Today she was up a total of 4 hours and that’s because I wanted to go out to dinner. My son has taken up drinking every day, I know he is not happy, he has told me he feels my DIL e is lazy but there is nothing he can do as if he tells her to do some she threatens to take the baby away. The other night he got her lemonade and because it was not country time frozen lemonade, she called him an idot and she hoped he would get hit by a car and die. This was in front of me and her best friend. My son told me the night before he almost feel asleep as he was driving home from a 27 hour work day. I felt total rage but said nothing as I know if I do she wil be even worse to him and me.
For the wedding she said her father was paying for it, after she booked the hall, flowers, photo/video with my and my son’s money (his father is not really involved) we were told her family does not pay for any of the wedding that the grooms family pays for everything! I have spent over $4K, and she had the nerve to ask me for $50 to pay the makeup artist for her (after the woman had done the makeup)! My family was not invited and my friends sat at the very last table in the corner. Her family had the first table. She was an 1 1/2hr late for the wedding ceremony. The baby’s christening was immediately after the wedding and the baby cried, I was told it was my fault because I didn’t feed her!. I pay 2/3 of the rent and all of the utility bills. When I ask my son for gas money she wants to know why I’m borrowing money. The rent is 1800 per month plus utilities, they pay a total of 300 to live in a 2500s.f. house! Remember moving together was suppose to save us all money. They eat out constantly as she does not want to cook. Last night she told me she threw out the bibs I bought for my granddaughter because they were dirty (they were plastic feeder bibs) and then she proceeded to put a dirty bib (cloth) on my granddaughter when I brought this to her attention she said oh well guess you will have to get her another one. Today she slept the entire day (it was my son’s only day off in 8 days). I’m to the point where I say nothing to her but hello and good bye and just small talk about the baby. She tells me my dog stinks; my dog is confined to a basement area and I’m told now the basement stinks like dog. She hasn’t washed clothes in over a week (remember I had to wash sleepers so the baby had something clean to sleep in. My son’s jeans he put on this morning are from the dirty laundry.
I feel so bad for my son. My DIL worked at the same place my son does she doesn’t have a car, no furniture nothing of any value other thans clothes and makeup and perfume. They have the entire lower level and I have the upper level. The end of this lease cannot come fast enough; I only wish I could get out of it sooner. I know I’m venting and right now the only reason I’m still in this mess is for my grand daughter. Quite frankly thoughts of moving out of state after this lease is up has crossed my mind. I’m so disgusted as to how my son is living and the fact my granddaughter will think this type of environment is normal. I believe my DIL is narcisstic and resentful. Today I raked 1/2 acre of the yard while she slept and my son played video games. (his only day off this week). She’s 23 and he’s 24, both young and self centered. I’ve I don’t say anything to them then I’m told something is wrong with me, if I talk then I’m told I said something wrong. What I haven’t told you is her mother p assed away when she was 15 yrs old. She met my son when she was 15 1/2, I took her in when her father basically told her to get out since she was seeing an American and not someone of her Mac. culture. She has told me she hates her father but was willing to take money from him for a wedding? I suppose deep down she resents me but has her hand out when she wants something..She seems to be much more friendly around my pay days. I’ve not bought her anything since the wedding and I’ve told her that my family has given and taken care of her more than her own father, sisters and brothers (out of anger when she wouldn’t even say thank you for spending money on the wedding)”after all it was your son’s wedding too.” Yes, but my son was not the bride..oh well another lesson learned. I know I should keep the peace, but I’m so financially and spiritually broken by this relationship. So many times I feel like just packing up andtaking off if it would not affect my credit I would have months ago. Unfortunately I’m hooked on my granddaughter; I know I could walk away but the fact of losing her is more than I can bear. C.
You are making the choice to let them ruin you. No one can help you until you decide to help yourself. Do you see that? Your granddaughter is being used by them (and you) to keep you captive and a slave. What kind of example are you setting for her? Self-love can save you. Blessings, Luise
I see a common thread with all these women who feel “they lost their sons”. GET A LIFE!! a pet a new man.Take a vacation. Leave the kids alone! You have lived your lives already.give your kids some space, they will eventually call, drop by etc.. Where is your husband? I bet you don’t have one. Get a hobby, no one is jealous of you! number 4001 is insanely jealous of her DIL! she is harping on the extravagance of their wedding, but we later found out her parents are well off! they had that kind of wedding because they can. L.
I am a mother-in-Law. I have 3 sons one son married a girl we didnt know. she was in an accident and is disabled. she comes from a disfuncitional family. She dosn’t talk to her mother or father. Our relationship was good at first. She speakes badly of other members of my family and i try to overlook it. i don’t want a problem. She has a daughter from a previous relationship. They now have 4 children. when my first grandson was born we had a minor disagreemennt that resulted in my family and I not seeing them for 1 year. we now are now closer but i’m always on eggshels. My other son married an illigal girl from lebonon. They are now after 8 years getting a divorce his was also a dificault transation but for the most part we got along. My 3rd son is now married to a very selfish spoiled girl. From the beginning it was about her and her family no one else mattered from the wedding on she has said some mean things to me and also critises my family again i overlook things and try to be nice. they tell me i lie. in the 5 years they have been together I have lost my father and my mother and she has said some mean things again i try to get along and overlook. I don’t tell my son because I don’t want to make trouble for them.I sometimes forget but I don’t lie. I have been dealing with some heavey issues. My daughter has also had blood clots and been sick this past year. I just don’t understand why they don’t have compasion. A few months after my 1st grandson was born. that was soon after my dad died they said I lie and said something that resulted in my whole family not seeing my grandson for 3 months. Now. They have another child and i get to watch him 1 day a week. My mom died a year ago and they said i said something that i know i didn’t say it resulted in a misunderstanding and now they are out of our lives again. my son said to loose his number and that’s it??? I just don’t know how this could happen. I am always trying. I really thought she liked me. I tried to help them. I am trying so hard to understand how people can be so cruel. the 3rd time my son’s just pull the kids away from us. My heart is broken. S.
This happens more than you could ever imagine. Please come over to my Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com where it is being faced on a daily basis. There is a great deal of support and understanding available there. Blessings, Luise
L., you obviously are not a mother-in-law, nor maybe even married or a mother.
I feel terribly sorry for all the women who feel they’ve lost their sons. I too have a difficult DIL, and simply work to maintain a relationship with my son and grandson. I am done trying to work things out with her because there is no working things out one-sided. Reading others’ stories has helped me gain perspective on my own. But it is truly hard to give up long-held dreams of a happy extended family.
A man, pet or hobby won’t solve feelings of loss. Loss of any kind is painful and takes concerted effort and guidance to get over. And must come from inside, not from some outside source.
I wish peace for all the mother-in-laws struggling with a disjointed family situation. B.
I was a daughter in law, am a mom, mother in law, grandmother and great grandmother. Distractions often help when the process of inside-healing is begun. They don’t cure, you’re right. Experiencing loss is absolutely necessary. Getting stuck there can create a victim. I have a Web-forum for women experiencing “disjointed family situations.” http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com Come on over. Blessings, Luise
Luise I have a son who is married with 1 child my DIL is a very controlling person. She needs to have control over everyone she knows. In July of 2009 my husband had to put a stop to her controlling us. When this happened she grabbed my grand son up yelling at my son come on lets go saying that is it I am through you will never see Chase (my grandson) again. This is March 2011 and I have not seen my grandson. I have missed so much of his life. His 1st day of school, holidays, we had this baby 5 to 6 nights a week, this has broken our hearts. I try to avoid any conflicts with her. My son dis owns me and I am no longer his mother he allows her to control him just 2 weeks before this he was talking to his dad about divorcing her. She is always talking and saying bad things about me. I need help I don’t know where to go from here I have tried to get visitation but in Oklahoma grandparents don’t have the right unless your child is deceased. Luise any advice you could give me I could use. Thank You J.
There is nothing you can do that I know of. You took a stand and so did they. You are all adults and have that right. You may want to come over to my Web-forum: http://www.WioseWomenUnite.com to get further insight and support. It’ a very common and deeply painful problem.
I think(as a daughter in law) most of my problems with my Mother In Law come down to what she expects versus what my husband I want for our family.
She doesn’t “believe in” attachment parenting or breastfeeding or no sleep-overs anywhere until age5, well that’s ok but we do. She gets offended on anything we do different than she did. Thinks anytime we see her socially(birthday parties, showers, even church) she should just be handed over my child for as long as she wants her regardless of if I want my own child or to let someone else play with her. She doesn’t seem to understand that I had my daughter because I wanted to raise a child not just to give her a granddaughter. (She sees my daughter once a week(more if you count social events) except if someone is sick. And if someone is sick and there is no visit-Oh my God it’s Pitty-Party 2011.
It goes on and on…B
There we’re absolutely no problems before my child was born.
Please consider coming over to my Web-forum where we work together regarding issues involving extended families. It’s at: http://www.WiseWomenUnite.vcom . I think you might appreiciate the support. Blessings, Luise