MomResponds.com: Ask Questions, Get Answers

Comment by Linda Ham

May 9, 2006 @ 8:52 am

I have the same problem. No matter what I do, I can’t change what I can’t change. I just have to accept the way things are now. Good Luck, Linda

Comment by Mary Lou

March 25, 2007 @ 5:19 pm

Hello,
I am just a new grandmother of 8 days now. I am living in an anxious state. My son’s girlfriend for whatever reason doesn’t like me. I am kind, offer my services, buy her gifts, do kind gestures, etc…everything to show that I accept her and want to be friends. She is nothing but rude and somewhat antagonistic towards me. I am totally frustrated. My son doesn’t see her rudeness and sometimes makes excuses for the behaviour. Now with my granddaughter here I have this nagging feeling that I am going to be cut off from seeing her. I am totally helpless in this situation and I am trying my best to keep my chin up.
Any suggestions or comments?
Mary Lou

Comment by Luise

April 13, 2007 @ 9:52 am

Answer: Dear Linda and Mary Lou: I think the hardest part of this kind of situation is getting that it isn’t your fault. You’re not causing it and you can’t fix it…(especially that part.) We feel helpless, (yes, I’ve been there), because we are. If possible, it looks to me like the harder we try, the more we are disliked and excluded. If jealousy and/or insecurity are at the bottom of it, that makes some kind of convoluted sense. We’re supposed to look bad…not good. We have to turn in another direction, no matter how hard that is and back off. Things may change and they may not but we have to find a way to a fuller life. When one a door is closed…it’s not the end because there are other doors. No not that one, and that hurts terribly…but life isn’t over. Blessings, Luise

Comment by Susan

November 15, 2007 @ 5:27 am

Good Morning to all You Ladies. This is so nice to find others in the same situation as I am.. My son married Sept 22nd, 2007. My DAUGHTER-IN-LAW IS AWFUL! She is self centered, controlling, spoiled, high maintenance and has to have it all, now. Sure they both have good jobs but why the extravagant WEDDING? The Cinderella story with0 5 bridesmaids, flower girl, and 2 ring bearers? It was beautiful but all we heard was how much it cost and how much went to waste because people didn’t show for dinner. Well, it sure wasn’t a success from our side.. no one was invited. People were all from her side. Then there was HONEYMOON. Oh, btw, they lived together 3 yrs before being married. Just before they got married they bought a 5-bedroom home…very nice …in a prestige area. Then there was the wedding, then the honeymoon to Mexico, and then coming back. I babysat there dog and I have not seen them since wedding day. I’ve seen them down the street and wrote a email asking why they can go there and not here. Answer was they are still on their HONEYMOON! Say what? All they did was get married, legalized everything and she took on my sons last name. Well, she took offence to this and there is no backing down. It’s one thing after another. I am on a disability, so I get frowned on. Her family has tons of money. My son has money but I don’t ask him for anything. So, I think having me at wedding was just for show. She told me she has had to force my son to have a relationship with me. I am very hurt by this. I don’t know what he sees in her. OMG, she is a holy terror… a mouthy one and I can’t handle her. I am having a very hard time dealing with this. They have both turned their backs on me now and neither is speaking to me. I have done nothing wrong. She exaggerates to my son. She whines and says they discussed it and they are not having relationship with me any longer. So, now she has taken my son from me. I feel so alone and I am missing my son. Wasn’t this bad when they lived together. It has all changed since they got married. Please help me and give me some advice. Sue

Comment by Luise

November 16, 2007 @ 8:08 pm

Dear Sue: You gave her an opening by complaining about they’re not dropping by…that’s all she needed.
Sometimes sons have a terrible time trying to jugle their old love, (mom), and their new love. The new one often looks a lot better. And sometimes a wife doesn’t want to share her guy with another woman, any woman. There are a lot of really difficult dynamics going on in many cases. I have “been there and done that” and know that it’s no fun. Blessings, Luise

Comment by Freddie

March 3, 2008 @ 7:53 am

Hi, all.
I happened to find your website and comment page regarding this matter, mother-in-law versus daughter-in-law. I don’t know whether this is the right place to post my feelings, but, what the hell. I’m in the same boat as all of you, except, I’m the one in the middle - the son stuck and torn between my mother (family) and my wife. I think that it’s just chemistry and a balance that needs to be made. Sometimes I feel so tired trying to juggle both sides. I understand where both sides are coming from, but, I wish life could be much easier. Freddie

Comment by Luise

March 3, 2008 @ 10:54 am

Answer: Dear F.: Yup, this is the place. Well put and I can imagine how that feels. Finding loved ones who want to share and cooperate apparently isn’t an easy task. Blessings, Luise

Comment by C.

April 16, 2008 @ 12:42 pm

Hi there!

I happen to be on the other side: I´m the daughter-in-law to an awful woman I always tried to be nice and respectful, she disrespected me, my family and my home, and I kept calm and nice, until I lost it: I have a 5 month old son and she´s trying to take him over! She even grabbed him from my arms and said to him: “Come to mommy.” (As if she was my son´s mommy). Well, I let it pass. My husband told her to be careful and not to do this. She did it again, now we don´t speak to her anymore and she has no access to our son. Tomorrow I´ll be celebrating 4 happy months without her. After knowing this disgusting person, I even started thinking all mother-in-laws are awful people, and I was sad because I have a baby son. One day I also will become a mother-in-law and have a daughter-in-law. But fortunately my sister got married 3 months before the birth of my baby boy, and her mother-in-law is a gentle, kind, respectful lady, who my sister really loves, and who became a true friend of mine. I refer to as “Auntie”. Now I have an example of a nice mother-in-law to follow, and one day I hope I will be a nice, respectful mother-in-law like my sister´s, and hope I find a nice daughter-in-law too!!! C.

Comment by Luise

April 16, 2008 @ 3:42 pm

Answer: Dear C. I guess each one of us is what we are and we take that with us to our different roles in life. It’s hard to understand…isn’t it?Everything would go so much smoother without all the drama. Blessings, Luise

Comment by Daughter-In-Law

April 28, 2008 @ 2:29 pm

I am the daughter in law to be. Not yet married and there is MORE drama than I ever could have imagined. She is possessive and it is almost incest like. Asking her son if he loves her more than he loves me RIGHT in front of ME. Of coarse he said his mom, because she is the one who gave birth. But he also said it is a different kind of love. She said this SEVERAL times before I finally told her, I hope your son loves you more than me, after all you are his mother and will be forever. She also has tried to put me down and complain to her son about me. In doing this, it stresses HIM out a heck of a lot more than it does me. I can avoid her, but it is pretty hard for HIM to avoid her.

My point in writing this is: your son chooses the woman he wants to marry for a reason. Being his mother, you should respect his decision. He chose her for a reason, maybe reasons you will never understand, but that is HIS decision. Don’t make your daughter in law’s life a living hell, because all that will happen is you will lose your son. Trying to welcome her into your family is the best thing for your relationship with your son and don’t bring him into it so he can be the middle man. Because really, is fighting with your daughter in law REALLY worth risking YOUR very own son?!?! I mean this in two ways, 1) he may choose to not have a relationship with you because it causes more trouble than it is worth and 2) you may end up causing heart failure on the poor guy (which is what I’M afraid of!!)

Just think of your son and the repercussions it may cause for him.

Best of Luck to All

Comment by Luise

April 28, 2008 @ 2:53 pm

Thank you so much. Wise words! Blessings, Luise

Comment by L.

May 12, 2008 @ 7:42 am

Hi, I am a mother-in-law. (I HATE BEING A MOTHER-IN-LAW!) What a bad wrap. It has been a surprising, disappointing and unpredictable experience. I only have one child. His father was killed in an accident when he was five years old. I had him when I was eighteen. It was always me and him against the world. I never had any trouble with my son. He was a pure joy to raise. He started changing when he started dating her. They were married a couple of years ago when everything started changing. She points out any fault I might have to him and he tells me about it. It’s like he talks down to me now. I have bent over backwards to treat her like a daughter. I take her to lunch (not him.) I haven’t done anything one on one with him since he got involved with her. He’s not interested. She is unresponsive to anything warm I might do towards her. Doesn’t even thank me for birthday gifts. I am thinking about moving to another state. My son has never disappointed me until now. I am starting to believe they are acting like spoiled brats and I need to stop giving them so much. My son is trying to be a man. I think she teases him about being moma’s boy. He is nicer to my husband than me. He asks him to do things but I get left out of everything. The wedding - I was completly left out and I was his mom and dad while he was growing up. She is very jealous of me I know. I have never said anything. I did send her a e-mail and told her she could come to me with anything at anytime that WE WERE FAMILY and that she could call me by my first name; she didn’t have to call me “Mrs.”, now she dosen’t call me anything! No response. Talk about growing pains! Is there something here God is trying to teach me? I definatly get “everything is not about me”. She is pregnant now; any advice so I don’t mess that up. I’m just tired of walking on egg shells. It really hurts. I cry a lot. I feel like I could lose my son. It’s just not fair. I’m his mother. Thanks for listening, L.

Comment by Luise

May 12, 2008 @ 9:09 am

Answer: Dear L. It isn’t you and because that is true there is very little you can do about it. Your son appears to be overwhelmed with his transition into manhood, husbandhood and very soon, fatherhood. He doesn’t know how to factor his past into his present and as you can tell from reading this link, it is a very common struggle. Keep your balance as best you can, focus elsewhere as much as possible, and ride it out. It will turn out however it does no matter what you do. They are trying to start a new family unit and simply don’t know where to put you. It is sometimes easier for an immature, young-adult to abandon the “leftover” person rather than try to find a place for him/her. Not a pleasant description but one your son might use. He had one close female in his life when he was growing up and now he has another one and doesn’t know what to do with the obsolete model. His wife’s insecurity promotes the either/or concept. Hang on to your dignity, and when you can…pass on the tears. They promote self-pity and that takes you backward instead of forward. Of course it hurts and of course it’s not fair but you are alive and well and still have a life. For the time being and probably the forseeable future, do your best to expand your interests and let go of him in every way that you can except in your heart. Moving on sounds impossible, but it’s not…it’s what’s next for you. Blessings, Luise

Comment by A.

June 12, 2008 @ 3:03 pm

I think we should all face the truth that when our sons become adults they will eventually start a family on their own and move on to a new life with their wives and kids. Mother-in-laws need to realize what their limits are. Sometimes nice offerings could cause unwelcome feedback. A.

Comment by Luise

June 12, 2008 @ 3:22 pm

Sometimes but not always. Often a tough call. Wise lady! Blessings, Luise

Comment by Kathy

June 16, 2008 @ 5:36 pm

I have a similar problem, but somewhat different. My daughter has chosen her mother in law to be her close friend/mother figure and that hurts so bad that being left out of her life has overtaken me. She tells me that I need to “get over it and move on and accept her relationship with her MIL, but since she barely has time for me and I rarely see the 2 kids because I work, she tells me now that I don’t see them enough.
Her MIL quit her job to babysit full time and now my daughter has quit her job to be a full time mom and her MIL still comes there everyday because she can’t bear to spend a day without them. It has been this way for about 9 years since they have been together, so I have accepted it but since she chose not to even acknowledge me on Mother’s Day that hurt my feelings so badly that I have not been able to even speak to her since then because if I say one wrong thing, I am sure I will be regretting that for the rest of my life. To me no one is a jealous/obsessive person unless someone makes you feel that way. I am only trying to protect myself from being hurt, so how do I cope with the heartache of not seeing the kids and trying to “move forward and not deal with anything in the past-just get over it?” There are many complicated things involved of course as there always is, but I am just trying to heed to her demands that I need to get over it and move on because “it is what it is.” Why would she even care if I am in her kids or her life, she has everything she needs from her husband’s side of the family. Our son in law does not care of us, so that puts her in a position to chose. Not a good place to be. I just don’t know how to make this all go away like she wants to do. Not sure my feelings make much difference to her. I have searched and searched all kinds of web sites trying to find out if anyone else has this kind of problem, but cannot seem to find any answers. It’s been a month and my heart aches and I cry at least 2-3 times a day. Seems like time helps a bit, but the heartache doesn’t go away. Please help with some advice. I feel so helpless. Thank you

Comment by M.

August 10, 2008 @ 7:46 pm

I am a mother-in-law. I read the comment from Luise regarding giving the daughter-in-law a reason to lash back. I have had my one and only daughter-in-law for about 7 years. It has been the most difficult relationship of my life. My son met her during a very low point of his life. She rescued him and helped out with you friendship. When I first met her, she made a comment I will never forget: “He talks to me. I understand him and know him,” (she had just met him.) I had a bad feeling from that day. As it turns out he got her pregnant…. long story short, I lost 4 months of my grandson’s life. I was punished from seeing him for a comment she did not like. Eventually I was allowed to see him. I have always lived with the fear of saying the wrong thing, the fear of loosing my grandson, the fear of loosing my son. things seemed to get better, as long as I was careful. Now there is a second grandson. SHe has allowed me to care for them, see them, babysit, spend time with them. When she calls, I run. I only do this for my grandsons. I love them so much. I always have my son in mind, not saying anything regarding his wife. She is disrespectful to my husband, foul language, self centered, just difficult. She has made it clear to my husband and I that she does not want anyone to come to her home unanounced. that she does not pick up the phone unless she want to, but you better be nice to her. I have allowed her to make me feel controlled. One thing I forgot, for the last 5 to 6 years her relationship with her mom was a little rocky, she would see her, but did not take the boys to her much.. The last year has changed, she is now doing well with her mom, they are attending church together. Her mother does not work like me and can watch the boys when she needs. rebonding with a sister that may help her. I know that she is pushing me away. I feel she does not need me anymore. What happens next, was probably inveitable. Now I have made another comments she did not like. I asked her if I could watch the boys on a particular day since I was on vacation (and she knew). she said, no, my mother is watching them. I found myself asking her twice again, second time “begging”, please let me watch the boys. The answer was no, my mom is watching them. She is also their grandmother and wants to see them. I have seen very little interest in her part since the boys were born (now 7 and 5). What can I say I’m hurt.
She immediately called my son at work and cried, that I am pushy and that I am bothering her. The next thing I had a visit form my son. That he does not want trouble in his marriage. He works hard and does not want to get calls like that from his wife. He came to see if I was okay. I think she sent him to put in in line. I cannot say to my son how I really feel about her, I told him his wife comes fist and I have no intention of causing problems in their marriage. I never call her to bother her. I wait for her to call me on her time. She invites me to come see the kids. I have tried to be careful, but now I messed up again.
My son said not to make the boys first in my life. that I should be okay to see them when I see them. Now I feel I cannot call to see how they are or anything. Just wait.. She is getting what she wants..I am so depressed and sad, but I see I am not alone. what should I do, back off completely, not say a word, just nod and be nice like always to protect the little I have left? M.

Comment by Luise

August 11, 2008 @ 1:10 pm

Dear M. Being misunderstood and undervalued is so terribly painful. You are doing your best and you always have. Blessings, Luise