Why Has My Son Abandoned Me?

Question: I have 3 sons (11, 25, 27.)  I just received a really hateful e-mail from my 25 year-old son this morning that totally broke my heart. He wants nothing more to do with me and says he hates me. All I ever wanted to be was a mom and happy kids. My childhood was a living nightmare. My step dad abused me in ever way possible! But I never let him take my soul. When I had my first boys I felt a love I had never known, I loved them so much. I divorced their father when they were 3 and 5. He was like my step dad in so many ways and I did not want my boys to think that was in any way ok. I went through a rough year, but then I got it together and remarried a man who loved my kids so much he adopted them when they were 7 and 9. We were all very happy and I was a stay at home mom and spent all my time with the boys; at school and with sports. I was on the PTA and room mom all the way through middle school for both of them; team mom on their baseball and football teams. Went to every game rain or shine with my video camera. We went on family vacations and camping. We had a great family. When they were 14 and 16, I had my tubes untied to have another baby. When I was 5 months pregnant I found out my husband was using drugs and having hookers! I was shocked. My life was like a big lie! The boys are the only thing that got me through this. They took total care of me. They were great. I did divorce him when my youngest son was 4. Even though the marriage was over long before that, I stayed long enough to get a job and a house for me and my youngest. My ex husband and the two older boys started a plumbing co. It was doing very well. My oldest had was a journeyman by the time he was 18. The 25 year got his when he was 20. On Jan. 10, 2004 he killed himself! Once again we were shocked and broken. The boys were devastated. My middle son was 23 at the time. He had a lot dumped in his lap all at once. He wanted to keep the company going so he went and took his master license test, And aced it the first time. Not many 23 year old maser plumbers. Our life have forever been changed by his death. I miss what me and by boys had so much. We are a lot better and have been trying to work on our relationship. But my other son ‘s e-mail says he hates me. I don’t understand how this all happened. There are other things to share with you, if I get that chance. I can’t handle this pain, it hurts so bad. Today has been the worst day ever! I can’t stop crying. I don’t know what to do. I am not willing to not have him in my life. My kids are my life.  My baby is a happy little man. And today he loves me so much, He was so sad when he asks me what was wrong, I told him his brother sent me a hurtful e-mail and it just made me sad I did not tell him what all it said. One can only take so much pain. He has had enough. But he missed his brother very much. They used to be very close. I don’t know how to heal my broken family but I am willing to do anything! I pray you get to read this. And you can help heal all this pain. R.

Answer:
Dear R.: One of the solid facts of life is that we can’t change other people. They have their own perceptions and they take action based on what they believe. All we can do is have them be the way they are and find a way to survive. We don’t ever have to agree; it’s their point of view. I think you will find understanding and support on my Web-forum, www.wisewomenunite.com. Please give it a try. Blessings. Luise

2 Responses to Why Has My Son Abandoned Me?

  1. A. January 13, 2011 at 10:46 pm #

    Bless your heart… I was googling information about abandonment because my Mom left me and I haven’t seen her in 25 years. I am now a Mother of 2 y old daughter and married. I came to your post somehow and read what you had written… I can’t imagine going through so many difficult situations and still hanging in there. You sound like a very good Mother and I truly believe in my heart that your son only sent that email as a way of expressing anger about the suicide of his other brother… maybe trying to find someone to blame would make him feel better but we will find in time that he knows better… children ALWAYS love their Mother. No matter what, life is never better without a parent — He will come around, he just needs space to discover this on his own terms. It sounds like he is trying to find a way to accept his brother’s death. Best of luck, I hope that you can find some peace with this. I am still searching for my own. A.

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