Question: Dear Luise: I lost my mother a few months ago. I was her caretaker until she got so bad we had to put her in a nursing home. I made all of the funeral arrangements including burial. This was agreed upon by my sister.Mom passed and my sister wanted to change everything at the last minute. (my sister would not help with her in the first place including her care) She doesn’t speak to me now since the burial and she is my only sibling. I have cried everyday since my mom’s passing. I am having a terrible time getting over her death. My Father past away 8 years prior. I kept his ashes (my sister didnt want them) and buried them together next to my grandmother (which my sister objected to after we agreed). I cry constantly at least once a day. My husband (second marriage) thinks I should be over it. Additionally we have adult children, none together. Whenever his kids want anything, he agrees without asking me. Example: his kids wanted to change xmas eve time and place. It was always at our house, with all of the kids and my husbands mother and brother. He agreed to changing the time and place without asking me, or anyone. This caused a great big horrible argument. Then one of his kids asked for our dresser which I agreed they could have. Without asking me he told them they could have it the next day. I need to replace it first, so again huge argument and his says I am selfish. We are talking divorce. I have so much going on I don’t know how to cope. I know this is a lot but how can I save myself…I feel lost and alone. Oh the sad part is my husband his a couples and individual counselor. B.
Answer: Dear B.: My take is that you can’t change your sister or your husband, so there is no sense wishing they were different. That may sound callous but you are the one that matters. You just lost your mom and you will “get over it” when you do.
Your sister is going to go right on reversing herself and criticizing you and your husband is going to go right on making unilateral decisions. That’s how they are.
I suggest you get yourself into grief counseling and start thinking about what you want (besides wanting others to be different than they are.) Then you can start looking at how you can create that. You have one very solid and very reliable advocate…your self. Use that resource and get that what your sister and your husband say and do is about them, not you. Blessings, Luise