Question: Dear Luise: My 16 year-old son doesn’t seem to care about me, his mother. I’ve realized I spent much or my 20 year marriage fighting to save it and now that our marriage is on track I see how much it affected our four children. My 16 year-old son has withdrawn a lot and doesn’t want to talk to me or let me give him a kiss or hug. He rarely makes eye contact and pretends to ignore me. He does well in school and basketball and has a lot going for him but I’m afraid he is turning out to be uncaring and cold. My question is how can I fix what we have done? Where do I go from here? I don’t want to loose him forever. Help? L.
Answer: Dear L.: What you are describing is more par for the course than reactive from my experience. And often kids don’t even care that much about the drama their parents go through.
Boys of that age have to pull away from their attachment to their moms to be able to move on and prepare for moving away. It’s a natural and necessary process. The best way to lose him forever is to try to maintain what needs to become obsolete for a healthy separation to start to form.
The less attention you pay to it and the more you respect your son’s need for emotional autonomy, the better the chances are that you will again become great friends at the other side of this process. I suggest you back off…way off.
I know it isn’t easy. But I can tell you that it’s worth it. I am 83 and my son is 55. We don’t live anywhere near each other (Washington State and Hawaii) but we have an incredible friendship that means a great deal to both of us. Blessings, Luise
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