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Why Won’t He take Me Home

Category: Relationship Problem Advice: Questions for Couples

Question: Dear Luise: I’m wondering why my boyfriend won’t introduce me to his family. We have been going together for six months and we’re really close except for this. He is comfortable with my family but he always dodges the issue of taking me to meet his. How can I change this? Brenda

Answer: Dear Brenda: There are a lot of reasons that this might happen. It might help to think about a few so you can get more comprehensive overview.

You are probably afraid that you are not passing some kind of unknown test. Or wouldn’t, if you were taken to his home for a visit. But have you thought about the possibility that he feels they might not live up to your standards? Or maybe he has a terribly attractive brother who competes with him, an alcoholic parent who might embarrass him, or something else he doesn’t want to share…yet.

When I was still in college, I went with a guy that just loved my parents and my home. He had every kind of excuse possible for not taking me to meet his parents and brother. Eventually, I outmaneuvered him. It was pretty awful. I could see why he loved to be with us, and I finally realized that my home was the major attraction…not me. That was OK. We became wonderful friends and he stayed close to my parents for many years after we both married someone else. My home set a standard for him.

If you feel you aren’t headed in a serious direction with this guy, let it go. If the opposite is true and you think you may want to take it to another level, let him know that doing that will require some serious talks. Tell him that what he’s doing, regarding his family, is very obvious. Make it clear that trust is something you feel you are going to have to build together to support anything more between you. Tell him that you need to know what is bothering him and why, so that you can look at it together.

Relationships require a level of candid openness that isn’t easy for all of us. Be as gentle and understanding as you can about this. It does need to be discussed and faced. Maybe it’s something so simple as his thinking that taking you home would jinx things, or it may be a very serious problem. At a deeper level, the good and the bad will have to be shared. Blessings, Luise

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6 Comments »

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Comment by Sheree

July 18, 2006 @ 2:34 pm

I’ve been with my boyfriend for one year, and he hasn’t introduced me to his parents because he says they are overbearing and that his parents want him to concentrate on building his business. He’s 27, and last night mentioned to our friends (during an unexpected and uncomfortable conversation) that he has thought of marrying me. That won’t happen until I meet his family - and I really want to meet them. But it’s not happening any time soon. Any advice?

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Comment by Luise

July 29, 2006 @ 4:51 pm

Answer: Dear Sheree: Well it sounds like you may need to work on your one-on-one communication skills if an “unexpected and uncomfortable” reference to marrying came via interacting with a third party. You seem to be working up to a stand-oof on something that should be a lovely experience…namely making a commitment. If you can’t do that without meeting his family, then so be it. Be sure, however. Blessings, Luise

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Comment by Charise

August 19, 2006 @ 6:59 pm

I been dating this guy for three years. His mother and I have been friends for 10 years. I met him through his mother. I have introduced him to some of my friends, but I have not met any of his friends. He talks about his friends all the time and shows me pictures of them. What does this mean?

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Comment by Luise

August 20, 2006 @ 8:10 pm

Dear Charise: There’s no time like the present to start doing some serious communicating with your guy. Three years is a long time to not be able to get down to the nitty-gritty…but then some couples never do. I wouldn’t advise it. Tell him you are puzzled by his sharing pictures but not people and would really like to meet the people you have heard so much about. If he tried to put him off let him know that you need to know why. Blessings, Luise

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Comment by J.

August 30, 2008 @ 12:16 pm

I am 40yrs old and I have been dating a 56yr old guy for the past 3 yrs. When we met,we both were married and decided we wanted to be together. We both are now separated. Four months ago this guy had some health problems, so his mom move across country to take care of him, (since he no longer had a woman in the house.) He says he can’t tell his mom that we have been dating because she will not accept him dating. He says he wants his mom to go back home so he can go on with his life. He is now in counseling and we don’t communicate like before. What is this guy’s deal. We now have a 3 year relationship that was so loving that is falling apart. J.

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Comment by Luise

August 30, 2008 @ 3:04 pm

Dear J. There can be some pretty strong chemistry between a mother and even a grown son but when she tells him that he can’t date, I’d call it pathology. There’s nothing you can do because it’s not about you. You are being treated shabbily and after all you have been through to be together, it’s a darn shame. I think I would tell him that I was choosing sanity and move on.
Maybe, just maybe, he might make some much needed changes…but don’t count on it. Blessings, Luise

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