MomResponds.com: Ask Questions, Get Answers

Comment by Jeannie

June 19, 2006 @ 6:01 pm

My Mother died on December 20th, 2005. She was 93. She was strong and healthy, but had a fall and died from complications. I can not stop crying. I miss her so much and I feel so guilty about so many things that I should have done for her. Everyone says that she was so proud of me and loved me so much, but I feel that I let her down in so many ways. Friends and relatives tell me that she was the most gentle and kind person that they ever knew. She was. Is guilt part of the grief process? I am really struggling with this. Thanks.

Comment by Luise

June 25, 2006 @ 2:40 pm

Dear Jeannie: A great deal has been written about the stages of grief. What we need to remember is that we are all unique and each of us is going to experience loss differently. There may be people out there who believe they have a perfect track record with a deceased person. None of us do, of course. We all fail sometimes…because perfection isn’t an option for humans. We all succeed just as often. Also, what we believe about the eternal aspect in each of us, (or the lack thereof), factors in, too. When I lose someone close, I write to them daily as for long as I need to because I think they have “gone on” in some sense of the word, and so are still available to me. I even go so far as to write answers from them to me. Guilt is a huge waste of energy, whether it’s true or false, isn’t it? Why not put your energy into something positive? What would your Mom want? I bet she would like you to start writing down every thought you have of gratitude where she is concerned. Isn’t it possible that she will contribute to your healing, if you let her? Why not also write down every nice thing she ever said about you, too? Trust her point of view. You know how much she thought of you. Was she wrong? No way! Few of us get to escape a period of remorse after a death but I’m sure our loved ones don’t want us to get stuck there. If you are willing to consistantly take pen in hand when you first wake up every morning and spend some time with your Mom, you can turn this around. Eventually you will write less and less often. It will just happen naturally. Let her help you help yourself. Blessings, Luise

Comment by char worman

July 14, 2006 @ 1:12 pm

i feel the same way that jeannie does , ijust wish i had done more for my mom .

Comment by Stephanie

July 18, 2006 @ 5:00 pm

My mom passed away about 3 mos. ago from cancer she was 52 yrs. old. She struggled with it for 2 yrs. It is so hard for me to realize she’s gone. She was my best friend. I feel like I have know one to talk to and share my feelings with even though my dad, sister and brother are here for me. I tould my mom everything and now I see myself be very emotional, angry and selfish with my husband. I just don’t know what to do. I miss her so much.

Comment by Luise

July 19, 2006 @ 2:53 pm

Answer: Dear Char Woman: I think all we can do is feel the feelings and know that there’s no way around them…just through. I have a very strong feeling that those who pass on might have to deal with the same thing…feeling that they wish they’d done more for us, listened better, been kinder, etc. Very few of us reach the expectations we set for ouselves. If we ever did, we’d probably just raise the bar. I think it’s really healthy to share this stuff and know we’re not alone with the burdens we put on our own shoulders. Blessings, Luise

Comment by Luise

July 29, 2006 @ 5:09 pm

Answer: Dear Stephanie: It is too soon to expect much else. You are too raw. Such intimacy is priceless and right now it must seem to you that it’s gone forever. It doesn’t have to be. Many people simply aren’t capable of such closeness but you are. Your Mom probably gave you the gift of opening yourself up to another and letting someone else in. If not, she sure was willing to share it with you. As you heal, know that you can find another friend and confidant. I have six like that. They are out there. Blessings, Luise

Comment by Lisa

September 7, 2006 @ 10:20 am

I just lost my mom to cancer 2 weeks ago she was 59 - she was also my best friend - right now it feels like she’s on a vacation - I’m told it will get easier - I miss having her here and talking to her - listening to her comments & just being there for me. I try to talk to other people but it’s just not the same.

Comment by Luise

September 10, 2006 @ 8:28 pm

Dear Lisa: Two weeks is very, very new. It will take you time to get that your wonderful Mom is gone and yet she’s still close. You miss her physically and there’s no way to get around that. You have to go through it. I don’t know if you like to write or not, (some people hate to), but when I lost my Mom, I wrote her every day for a long time…and I wrote her answers to me. It was a huge comfort because we just kept on chatting. Eventually, I was able to adjust but it took me a long, long time. Blessings, Luise

Comment by Debbie

October 26, 2006 @ 7:19 am

I lost my mom Oct 17th,2006. She was not sick or anything. She just went to sleep and woke up in heaven. I am devastated. My mom and I were very close. We had just relocated to SC from MD and had been here for a week when this happened. I wonder was the move too much for her? I was in Chicago at the time for work and she did not show in the morning to help my husband with my 9 yr old for school. She was 68. I feel lost and alone. I have moved 3 states from all my friends. I am having such a very difficult time dealing with this. My dad died when I was 22 to cancer and the pain I had then was different since I had a warning. I feel she was ripped away from me though. I have 1 brother but he and I are very distant. In fact the funeral was the first time I had seen him in almost 2 yrs. I am still dealing with cleaning out her apartment and all. We were here a week and she had the whole apartment entirely unboxed and she was ready to start working again she said. I do not know how to deal with this now….it does not make sense to me. I did not get to say good bye or tell her I love her one last time. How do I deal?

Comment by Luise

November 1, 2006 @ 12:30 pm

Answer: Dear Debbie: I will treat your comment as a new question in the near future. Blessings, Luise

Comment by Stephanie

January 15, 2007 @ 5:10 pm

It will be 1 year in April since my mom passed away. Her death has really put a toll on me and my marriage. I still think why did this happen to my mom she was young and still had a long life to live. I am still struggling with her being gone. I have made myself distant from my friends and my husband. I just don’t know how to get pass this. My dad has a new friend in his life now which is making things better for him. But I just wish it would get better for me.

Comment by Luise

January 15, 2007 @ 9:27 pm

Answer: Dear Stephanie: Your dad is doing what many people do…turn elsewhere for comfort and a new beginning. It works for many, including my husband who married me in less than a year after he lost his sweetheart of 60 years. There is no such avenue open to most sons and daughters. My mom has been gone for 50 years and I still miss her terribly. Not all the time but on a regular basis. She too left too early. My son died at 52 and I just had to give up asking why I wasn’t taken instead of him. I think it’s time for you to get some help. Grief counseling is very specific and you need to honor yourself and your marriage if you can, by seeking some help with this. We are all different. Some people sail right through losing a mom and others are hit so hard they have a terrible time getting their balance. I once had a friend who was telling me all about losing her mom and describing how she felt. It was excruciating. I asked her how recently it had happened and she said 25 years ago. Don’t le that happen to you. Blessings, Luise

Comment by kearston henley

June 6, 2007 @ 11:36 pm

my mom just passed on the 23,may,2007. i am 28 and she was my only friend. Cancer is such a horrible way to go. I got mad at God is that normal? For some reason i am mad at my boyfriend and he has not done anything wrong. My mom was only 60 my dad is a truck driver so i just keep telling myself she is on the road with him. I can’t bring myself to go to the grave site. Its like i just can’t believe she is really gone.I dont know what to do or who to talk to. I am screaming inside and no one can hear me. I am so scared she has always been here and now shes not i just want her to come home. i have never lost anyone close to me before so these are all very new feelings i have and i do not like them at all. I will open her bedroom door just to smell her. when her hair started to fall out we just went ahead and shaved it I kept her hair I have the sheets she died on, the night gown she died in. Am i crazy or sometimes I feel like I have gone crazy. thank you Kearton

Comment by Luise

June 13, 2007 @ 12:32 pm

Answer: Dear Kearton: I am going to treat this as a new question because you have broached some additional issues. Blessings, Luise

Comment by rick h

February 9, 2008 @ 3:41 pm

My mum pasted away on Jan. 9th. 2008 but we didn’t bury her till 30th, Jan. I have never felt so much pain in my life. I just wish it would stop. I live in Yorkshire and my mum lived in Coventry. I feel guilty that I didnt get to see her on the day she pasted away. Plus my family didn’t inform me and I had no say in the funeral arrangements. So why do I feel so empty and guilty? For the first time in life I feel so scared. R.

Comment by Luise

February 9, 2008 @ 9:09 pm

Dear R. I don’t think we are ever ready to lose our parents and I don’t think we ever feel we did it right or did enough. It just happened. Of course you feel terrible. I know you did countless things that brought her joy. You just can’t remember them right now. Start writing down the good memories and when you can, focus on them, lovingly. Blessings, Luise