Question: Dear Luise: I wrote you almost 2 years ago telling you that my son hates me and thinks I am a terrible mother. Since then, things couldn’t be worse. You were so right on in your advice. I am not allowed to see my grandchildren or send gifts or cards. My youngest daughter has followed suit and ripped my other grandson out of my life too. My oldest daughter did not speak to me for months. I could no longer take the pain and I moved 300 miles away. The day before I moved, my oldest daughter answered my phone call. She was angry for so long because her and her husband were living with us and things were not going well, so my husband asked them to find another place to live. We talked, we both cried and she agreed to let me see her and my 4 grandchildren before I left. I was so happy, and my daughter, grandchildren and I have some contact. My son and youngest daughter are trying to get her to go with them to get a restraining order against me. I was so hurt when I heard that and I don’t understand why, or how they could when I have no contact with them (their wishes, not mine). I can’t stop hurting. I can’t stop my tears. My heart is broken. I have tried so hard to repair the relationship with my 2 children. I Don’t understand, I never will understand how your own children can ‘Hate’ the person that loved them, fed them, cared for them. Sometimes I find it hard to go on hurting so badly. I have been to counseling. It doesn’t take away my heartache. Please help me know where to go from here. How can I not want to try again and again? I have never endured such pain accept for the death of my first born at 6 months old. It’s like they died and I am grieving my 2 adult children and 3 grandchildren Instead of one child. D.
Answer: Dear D.: Good to hear from you again but of course I wish you had better news.
I know that suggesting that you learn to live without your kids and grand kids is like suggesting you cut off your arms and legs and then have a normal life. Yet, what are your other choices? You can’t change other people, the realities they create or the dynamics they set up.
Counseling is usually better than nothing. No, it doesn’t remove the heartbreak but you are heard and understood and that can support healing.
I suggest you come over to my Web-Forum, http://www.motherinlawsunite.com to further share what you are going through. It’s a new site that I set up for open discussion on these issues. We have to go on…whether we like it or not and for some of us, it helps to find a supportive community. Blessings, Luise
Iam very happy to know that iam not alone whan my son call the police on us they had the same story not seening some of there family. it does make u fell better that your not alone.E.
Yes it does make you fell better to know you are not alone, however I lost my granddaughter whom I raised for 5 years when my daughter got mad at me, & said “you will never see or speak to her again”. she has held fast to her words now for over 6 mos. D.
My children as well don’t want to see me. It is a too hard of a pain to take. First the daughter -who had a small lapse in where I was allowed to see her and the grandchildren, but then, when her father started talking to her again which he didn’t in the time I was allowed to see them – and now my son. He doesn’t say so out loud but indirectly it comes to the same thing.
I am truly fed up with life just because I cannot stand the pain of this. R.
R. Come on over to http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com
I’m sorry you are hurt by your children. Hatred in a family is a lot harder to deal with than friends.
I hate my mother. I tried for years to make her love me, but I believe she has Asberger’s Syndrome. After a lifetime of feeling coldness from her my love dried up. There isn’t anything for me to attach my love to. My dad says she loves me, but being cared for adequately is not the same as loving and being loved.
Anger and pain are unfortunate. We all find different ways to cope. Moving far away is one (I did the same). Good luck. A.
Dear A,
Has your mother been diagnosed with AS or have you just heard about it and choosing to label her because you don’t like her behavior? People toss around “bi polar disorder” like that all the time….it’s a dangerous accusation.
Have you ever heard that old saying “just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they aren’t loving you with everything they have”?
Would you have prefered hugs and kisses all the while no clean clothes or decent food? I wasn’t adequately taken care of as a child, and my mother was never there emotionally….she was in school and working most of my childhood. I cannot say I hate her, or do an internet evaluation accusing her of having a syndrome of anykind. She had her hands full with a poor excuse of a husband and six children.
We were whipped regularly, mostly out of frustration, but I am an adult now. It is what it is and I can choose what kind of person I want to be. I choose to love my mother. K.
There is a special place in heaven for you.
To realize that nobody is perfect and to accept what life throws at you with grace is a gift. I wish you well.A.
How old are you? The comandment is to ‘honor your father and your mother’. they don’t have to honor you. There are kids that were raised by drug addicts and alcholics but they dont hate there parents. If your mother has Aspbergers, and she is doing every thing she can to take care of you that is showing love. Every mother shows love in differnt ways, I have a child with Aspbergers. and it doesnt seem like she shows love but I know she does. And I know she has pain when others don’t show love to her.
It seems like the kids you give the most to have the most hate inside them. If you are over 12 years old, then pick your self up and show some respct, look around you and count your blessings. D.
I know how you feel all I can do is cry. T.
T. Please come over to my Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com where our community can offer support and sometimes even healing. Blessings, Luise
What is wrong with you people? To the original OP… It’s like, hello… if you wonder why your offspring hates you, maybe it’s because you won’t OWN UP to what you have done to your children in the past? As they say in Al-Anon, take one good look in the mirror… “It’s YOU!”
I say this because I am at the point where I (almost) hate my own mother as well. And yeah, she took care of me, fed me, clothed me, so on. But she also berated me to no end, every single day on every facet of my life.. to how I dressed, how I stood, how I ate, who my friends are, everything. How she wish she never had me or my brother because of her dumb decisions. Or that I was dumb because of X, or I was a slut because of X. Maybe this sounds familiar to you?
God, your victimization sounds like a boo-hoo. Get over yourself and start making amends to your kids NOW before your time here is up. Sadly, my Mom will never get that because her ego ALWAYS gets in her way. R.
R. That may all be true…and…have you taken a look in the mirrow lately? You may see your own ego looking back.
Exactly !!! take a look in the mirror at yourself, you are lucky you had a mum who feed, clothed, and kept you safe. Your statement of your mum is full of holes IMO. K.
Wow..ok. You had a bad time of it. YOu can’t condemn others if they worked hard for their children. I am empathetic to your past…really…but I have a son who told me he hated me because I divorced his father.. He is 39 years old. Get over it. HIs father was abusive to me and to him…but his father tells him lies. What I am trying to say to you is that not everyone wants to feel boo hoo for me. Sounds as if you should have a voice to try and tell someone how YOU were victimized. Deal with your anger. M.
R, where was your father in all of this. So many blame the mother, and if the mother was so bad, why didn’t your father step in and lead the family as he should? Was he sitting in a corner letting you take the brunt of it all rather than trying to get his family on track?
I’m a mother who wasn’t perfect, made many mistakes and in realizing it I have kissed up to my daughter and tried hard to do whatever I could to help her. We rescued her time after time as she made destructive decisions for both she and her children, and the more we rescued the worse she would do things to self destruct, so now I am guilty of rescuing her and not letting her hit bottom.
When are adult children going to take responsibility for their own choices once they become adults instead of blaming their parents for everything wrong in their lives. What’s worse is when they drag their own children into it and use them as weapons by forcing them to sever their relationships with grandparents and extended family.
My mother wasn’t perfect, and boy did I get beatings, physical and verbal, but she is my mother. She’s an old woman and I have two choices, I can live in anger and hate or I can forgive her and focus on the good she tried to do when MY FATHER didn’t do anything but bring home the bacon.
My best to you R, may you find peace in your life without having to blame the world for your imperfect life. I know my daughter isn’t at peace, shes creates blogs devoted to how horrible her mother was.
Now her bio dad who denied she was his to avoid child support is her new hero. It’s much easier to parent when you don’t have to pay their bills and you develop the same hate for a common enemy. Blessings to you and may you reach out to God and find a way to discover love in this world. K.
Parents makes mistakes, they aren’t perfect and if someone tries to make amends the best things that you can do is to forgive. I hope that you NEVER have children. Your selfishness, bitterness and self pity wouldn’t allow you to be a good mother, specially because your hatred for your mother will be the worst example a human being could be to another. But if you do, please, put them in foster care or give them up for adoption. People whom carry hatred inside aren’t good human beings. You should be ashamed of yourself for talking like that about the person who gave you life. Ugh! B.
That’s another thing, we tried to give her many chances and make amends. I tried to forgive her many times. When I stop talking to her because of her, she would call months later even, a year or two later, I would answer the phone or text and think it would be better. But the negative things start, her fake personality shows and I let go. I am not as stressed and depressed as when she is in our lives. She even said sometimes she wishes my kids weren’t born. That was the last straw. Almost 5 years and counting. C.
R – You do not mention if YOU are a mother or grandmother or have any children at all. Have you even had any babysitting jobs??? I don’t think so. Yes, YOU are what some of us call the ENTITILED ones, so I suggest YOU look in the mirror!
Oh…one thing your mom probably did forgot to teach you?? Manners, respect and unconditional love! So, I agree with you about getting over it. So, when are YOU going to start??? It sounds like you have ALOT of unresolved anger also. If not for your mother, do it for a DAUGHTER one day who might be writing this about you!
Because as cliche’ as this might sound, what goes around comes around! I am 55 years old and had a mother just like yours and I hated her until the day she died when I was eleven and I still hate her. I tried the rest of my life to create that “perfect” relationship with my children that my mother and I never seemed to get right and guess what? They hate me too! D.
I’m sorry for the loss of your mother D. It’s too bad our adult daughters/children are part of the me me me generation. It’s all about them. We raised our kids during the “self esteem”, “everyone’s a winner” years…boy what a mistake…that way of thinking created self centered monsters.
Maybe in forgiving your mom for not being perfect you will know you did your part to end the hate. We can only do what we can do, and sometimes we will make mistakes, but I think if we at least try to end the hate we will find a peace that others won’t.
It will be up to our adult children to choose to be angry and hateful, or find peace through understanding.
My best to you. K
I too tried to create the perfect relationship with my son as I lost my only sister at 5 and my mother and I could never connect from my earliest memory. This son situation has broken me and I feel like a failure. I did everything, took care, encouraged but that cycle is back and he wants nothing to do with me. Of course he smokes tons of pot daily and blames me for everything. Im an anxious nervous betrayed wreck and I am so so sad.He was taught manners but it seems he prefers to tell me to go F myself on the regular. Seriously ? I told him he was an ungrateful misery. It feels like I may die, as I have a broken heart, and have been verbally abused. Everything went into this man (24) and the pot or his delusions have put us serious odds. Id never believe something so traumatic could even happen between us. Every question is met with a rant. OK so Ill just slip under a rock until this all makes so logical sense. Everything comes full circle. Im patient and I will watch this all unfold. Im supposed to an unconditional mother but not if Im going to be told “he is tired of me”. At this point it’s time I let him spread his wings and let him truly understand what a mothers support really means. I am a parents 1st and his friend 2nd. T.
T – My take is that your parenting job is done and it’s time to let go of your expectations of what follows. (I made the same mistake.) You were a whole person before you became a parent and you can be whole again. You deserve so much better… give it to yourself. If you want the support of other women who are up against issues with adult children and extended families, http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com is my Web-forum. Blessings, Luise
Luise,
I’m a mother whose adult children have shown me, by their disrespect,verbal abuse, and distance, that they don’t respect or love me. But let me add: That on the occasions that they’ve attempted to be abusive, I’ve returned that abuse, or either I’ve refrained from communicating with them. I love me, and I refuse to allow anyone to abuse me.
Of course all of this did hurt; because I was a single parent after divorcing an abusive and neglectful spouse at the age of twenty-five; and subsequently raised my children by myself.
Trust me I did my best. And, I’m pround of the job that I did. Was I perfect? No. But, I always put the needs of my children, (a son and a daughter) before my own needs when they were growing up.
My female child, and I use that designation, because she has forfeited the right to be my daughter, is a college educated woman; who, waited until she was twenty-three years old to show her true colors. I used to always tell people that she was a ‘good’ girl while growing up because she was. She never caused me any trouble.
My son, on the other hand was always in trouble from his formative years. His problem was that he listened to his peers more than he did me. And after the divorce, his father who lived in the same city as we, took no interest in him. And, I did everything that I could to correct his behavior,supporting him as a child while his father did nothing; literally. I actually had to have him arrested regarding back child support payments. And to this day, he still owes child support payments to his son.
Now they are respectively 39 and 31; and I decided last year that I’d had enough.
I told both of them that I was not going to allow them to hold me emotionally hostage; because I know that is what they are attempting to do. While I may not have been a perfect mother, I was the best mother that I could have been; and I know that they know that.
I am a strong person; and, I’ve always told my children the truth. Especially when it came to actions that I knew weren’t right and, could, and would hurt them. They don’t like that. So, they’ve cut off relations with me.
But, I’m responding to your reply because, I so applaud it. You are absolutely correct. I was a person prior to motherhood, and I’m still a person. In fact, I’m proud of the seasoning that has happened on my journey in life. And I know that I’m a better person because of it. And, that seasoning puts me in a position to be able to discern the motivations of people who I encounter, and will enable me to make a wiser decision with respect to who I allow into my personal sphere.
And, you are so right, I deserve so much better, and, I’m going to strive for all of the good that I deserve. And, I wish and hope that some mother out there who sacrificed her young years for her children sees this; and doesn’t dispair. Because every day that we can get up and don’t need any one to assist us with our daily needs is a ‘good’ day. Count your blessings!
I know that at some point my children will reap the rewards of their actions; and hopefully, in the process become the people that they know that I raised them to be. And I know this because I have lived 59 + years so far; and I’ve observed how things come back around in ways in which one would never expect. Yes they are my children, but they are not exempt from the rules of the universe; and neither is anyone else’s children. There are some things that we can’t fix; and have to just wait on time and the wisdom of the universe.
In the meantime my life is going on. I’m 59; and there’s a lot that I expect to do that I haven’t yet.
I’d just like to say in closing to all of you ‘good’ ailing mothers who don’t deserve the treatment that you’re receiving from your children, be thankful for all of the other blessings that you have in your life, don’t compromise your standards when you know that you’re right, because your children won’t respect you if you do. And what is love without respect? And keep loving yourselves.
Keep getting your hair done, and taking care of yourselves; because love begins with self.
T. – GOOD FOR YOU! Come on over to my Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com You would fit right in!
Blessings, Luise
so R…it seems what you want is to break your mother down? Is that really what you require someone to do in order to receive forgiveness? WOW! You think someone should grovel at your feet because they weren’t perfect? you’re in for a rude awakening should you ever attempt to raise children in this world. When you look in that mirror and point your finger, you’ll see that your finger is pointing at YOU.
You can choose to walk a higher walk or take the low road and continue the hate…waiting to break your mother all because she was imperfect. You will wake up one day and see it. K.
Own up??? I did that with my kids!!! you know what I just saw on my daughter’s facebook page??? A complete diatribe between her and her sister, why? I don’t know they live in the same house with their father….They are LISTING all my shortcomings as a parent. I am almost 50 years old, I’m so sorry if I just couldn’t make 50 years without making any mistakes! I am HORRIFIED! I am and have always been open with my kids, in talking about my own experiences good AND bad, if I screw up, I APOLOGIZE for it. Only to have it all used against me in a publiic forum like facebook for all the world to see, I even suggested mutual friends for games my kids play on there, now I have to worry about these people seeing that crap. My oldest actually has been talking to me a little bit over facebook. Not surprising, I find out that he and his father haven’t been talking. J.
Wow J,
So sorry to see what your adult children are using fb for. Some adult use it to honor their parents who have passed away, and ours used public internet sites to dishonor us.
My daughter actually blogged on her public blog many many times about the horrible person I am. Hmmmmm…which one of us is stuck in the hate?
I stopped looking because it is painful. We did the best we could and if they would prefer to live life dishonoring us by trying to humiliate us w/lies and spotlighting our shortcomings then that is their choice….it tells me they are not happy people.
Hold your head up and roll foward.
My best to you.
C
I am a mother of a Daughter that choose not to have me in her life, and i watched my grandson for 4 years this has just happened why I don’t have a clue. But I would like to comment on the fb thing, delete your account why put yourself through all that pain, fb is not intended for people to publicly air there family issues and you should report her to fb, before you delete your account., my daughter took me off her friends list thats when I just deleted my account., out of sight out of mind. to painful for me. L.
I had the same situation on Facebook with granddaughters. I removed myself from Facebook because I didn’t want my friends to see how petty and crazy they were…I call them the “crazy cats”. A.
Your mother may have mistreated you. But not all mothers have mistreated their children and some really do deserve much better than to be treated like dirt by their children.
I loved my children … and yes … that is in the past tense. I loved them. I gave birth to them and no, they didn’t ask for it so I don’t and never did expect lifelong gratitude for the fact that I gave birth to them.
But you know what I do expect? I expect them to give me the very same respect they give other human beings and I expect them to grow up and stop taking for granted that I’ll always love them no matter how obnoxious, nasty, selfish and immature they are. They’re adults. They want to be treated as adults, they need to start behaving like adults.
Because the truth is, after being totally cut out of my oldest son’s life for over a decade with no explanation whatsoever, after not even being told that I’d become a grandmother four times over … and then being contacted out of the blue after 13 years and being told ‘the prodigal son is coming home’ … it only lasted 6 months and he cut me off again. And somehow I knew that was going to happen.
Well, it’s Christmas next week and I haven’t heard from him in months, and I now realise the return of the prodigal son was a total sham with the sole intention of getting money out of me. I’ve come to a few conclusions about my oldest son.
He’s immature. He’s selfish. He’s intolerant and he has no respect for me, his mother, as a person, a human being because he’s taken my love for granted all his life. And he equates motherhood with eternal self sacrifice and servitude.
He was under the impression that I’d love him ‘no matter what’ … and for a long while, far too long, I actually did love him ‘no matter what’. I desperately hoped he’d grow up one day and realise I’m just a human being like anyone else.
But now I see him for what he is. And I don’t love him at all. In fact, as each day goes by I love him less and less. He needs to realise that love and respect work both ways and parents also need some love, affection and care returned to them. When an adult child can do that, we know they’ve truly grown up.
Perhaps my son has to learn a very hard lesson in life … that even Mothers can decide when to stop loving their children. We are human. We have human rights too.
And I should have exercised mine years ago where my son was concerned.
I no longer recognise my son. I no longer want to know him. I no longer like or love him. I no longer trust him. He’s pushed me way too far and I know if he called me tomorrow, that I wouldn’t even bother answering my phone to tell him he’s left it too late. G.
I have read all of the postings and feel the pain as mine. I too have lost my youngest daughter 25, my oldest daughter 26 still speaks to me. I have battled with many losses, divorce and alcoholism, even did not want to live many times. I finally moved back to my hometown, left my children and grandchildren. I am so ashamed and lonely. I feel like i’ve lost my daughters and I don’t know how to get them back. I raised them even though married, by myself, my ex-husband is an alcoholic now remarried and my daughters now think he is the light of their eyes and say they I have been a terrible mother. When in fact all the years of them growing up, I was there for them in every way, every bruise, every joy…….it’s hard to move forward with all of this pain…..I do know I have caused them pain also but how do I try and gain their love and respect again. I am lost. S.
S. The only thing I know of is to rebuild your own life and leave them to theirs. You can’t change the perceptions of others when they want to rewrite history and re-assign blame. I have a Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com that may offer you support. It is a very loving and undertanding comunity. Blessings, Luise
I can also feel your pain. I have a 33 year old daughter who does the same thing. She hates me and now she doesn’t let me see my grand daughter. I practically raised my grand daughter up until six months ago, I always helped my daughter when I had a job, bought her 2 cars, (I am divorced now) and I live on a limited income. My daughter is very abusive with her language, very arrogant and self-centered, she came as far as to tell me that she doesn’t like the way that I laugh. My daughter was raised as an only child and was given pretty much everything that she wanted, (I was married then) and this included all the love and attention possible, she has no respect for me . I am dumbfounded here! she is a spoiled brat, very narcicistic who only thinks of herself – most of my family thinks she is this way mostly because she was given everything and was treated like a queen and perhaps I didn’t instill on her the respect that should be given the adults. It is too late for that. I am heart broken and looking at the possibilities of moving away. I don’t want to take her abuse any more and besides my grand daughter has being turned against me also. B.
B. Please come over to my Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com It is for those of us who have issues with adult children and extended families. You will find a supportive community there to help you through this. I hope to see you there. Blessings, Luise
R #2 -that’s strange. i am NOT the same R. as the one complaining about her own mother. actually I think she really has no clue as to what are the histories of the others having who have their children not talk to them.
for me, i can say to the ‘other r.’ that my children turned orthodox and that’s being exploited by their father into discarding me.
so ‘r.’ speak only for yourself. you just have no idea. R.
R – That’s true, of course, we all come from a very subjective point of view that may not apply to another person at all. Blessings, Luise
IM A JUST TURNED 47 ON MAR. 13, I HAVE 4 BOYS 27, 24 21 AND 14 AND MY 14 YEAR OLD SONS FRIEND KILLED HIMSELF ON MY BIRTHDAY WE WHERE GONNA HAVE LUNCH AND TOLD ME TO COME GET HIM HIS FRIEND SENCE 5 TH GRADE HUGE HIMSELF, I HAVE AN EX. HUSBAND THAT I HAVE TRYED SO HARD TO WORK WITH FOR THE BOYS BEST INTERREST, BUT MY BOYS ARE SO MEAN AND RUDE AND SELFISH AND CULE AND HATEFUL AND BLAME ME NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY TO HELP THEM, THEY BLAME ME FOR EVERYTHING THAT THEY CHOOSE TO DO WRONG IN LIFE AND I HAVE BEEN CARRING SO MUCH GUILT FOR YEARS FOR EVRYTHING, AND I HAVE NOTHING IN MY LIFE, I WAS A FOSTER CHILD SENCE 9, BUT I HAVE TRYED TO BE THERE AND GIVE MY KIDS EVRYTHING I NEVER HAD , LOVE SURPORT, JUST BEING THERE AND TRYING TO MAKE THEM TRONG INDERPENDENT MEN BUT NOTHING I DO WORKS , THEY HATE ME AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE AND NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO FOR HELP,SO IF YOU THINK YOU COULD HELP OR COULD LET ME KNOW SOMEONE THAT COULD THAT WOULD BE GREAT, I HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH THIS FOR YEARS AND IM GETTING NO WHERE, SO IF YOU COULD EMAIL ME BACK THAT WOULD BE SO HELPFUL, THANK YOU, K.
K. – Please come over to my Web-forum where you will get the support and understanding you need and deserve. http://www.WiseWomwnUnite.com Blessings, Luise
Hello K, I totally understand you……first the good news you are no longer responsible for your sons that are in their 20,s…They are adults and if they go wrong or make a mistake thats down to them only now not you…..And do not try to put things right for them otherwise they will never learn….I think you feel obligated because of your own background,,its the same with me I was like that with my kids..It does not pay…your only responsibility at the moment and up until age 18 [meaning safe home guidance etc] is to your 14 year old especially as he has lost a friend…You could maybe speak to parentline about that 08088002222. you have to try and find your strengths K…you are 47,,do you really want the same kind of things going on when you are 57? Then you really have to make decisions now..if you are frightened of your ADULT KIDS get legal advice…keep them away from your home…your home and you should be respected at all times whether you live in a shed or a palace,,if anyone does not respect you or your home then they are not welcome….Tough love is always the best course of action…By the way they don,t hate you,its just a control like thing to say a lot of adult kids say it,,its nothing let it go over your head…love yourself,,look after yourself…be kind to yourself…and treat yourself every now and again even if you don,t have much money, just get a little something from the pound shop…I,m not sure but i think you might be in the USA i,m in the UK…so you might need a different number for the parent line…good luck…please come back and let me know how its going that,s if you want to…no pressure…just please don,t waste years like I did… L.
R and L – You can both come over to my Web-forum and dialogue with each other there. www/WiseWomenUnite.com Blessings. Luise
Do not let your kids take over your life. i did it gets u no were. live your life. be HAPPY. My new saying is NO; DON’T HAVE IT; YOU NEED TO GET OUT ON YOUR OWN; BUT I STILL LOVE YOU. E.
For those of you coming from divorce, and who have not abused their children and have given everything they had in the raising of their children, please know this: There is a syndrome called Parental Alienation Syndrome. In plain terms, it is what happens to children when one parent, basically, brainwashes the children against the other parent. The children learn that in order to make the one parent happy, they have to turn against the other parent. It isn’t as simple as just that, however, and involves many different types of manipulation and game-playing and the giving and retracting of love and affection on the part of the offending parent in how they treat the child or speak ill of the other parent.
There is much more to it than that, but that is it in a nutshell. There are alot of psychological terms and reasons behind why and how it happens but the effects can carry on for the rest of the child’s life, leaving the loving, caring parent in the dirt and the parent/child relationship broken beyond repair in many cases.
I went through this with my oldest daughter when she was a child…PAS was fairly unheard of way back then, and few counselors knew anything about it. But, today, it is something that has been studied and confirmed as a real syndrome brought about by extreme manipulation on the part of one parent which interferes in the relationship between the child and the other parent. PLEASE KNOW that not every case of a child hating his/her parent is a result of abuse by that particular parent. There is alot more to it than just that.
And for those of you who are suffering from estrangement, there are many group sites online where you can talk with other parents who are suffering in the same way.
Where there is love, healing can take place….but it is never easy and it does affect your life whether you want it to or not. S.
what about the step mom that alienates the kids against the natural mother….thats what I went through. H.
H. – Please come over to my Web-Forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com where a community of women support each other on these kinds of issues. Blessings LuiseReply
I am so glad I found this site, and that I am not alone! I have 3 adult girls and 2 grandchildren, I divorced from their father when they were quite young, my oldest being 9, & he had remarried very quickly to an old friend of the family. They both resented that I requested child support so much that they tried so desperately to brainwash my girls into resenting me and to live with them, he even told my girls that he would take them to Disney Land if they told the courts I was a bad mother, I would supply everything I could during their weekend visits so he would not complain, including soap, shampoo etc..but he refused to let them shower because he told them he couldn’t afford the water, I have so many horrendous stories, so I will limit them to just a couple as I did, in any event, he had called my middle child on her birthday and told them since they refuse to live with him he wont see them any-longer and for them to come calling when they turn 18..I just continued to raise them the best I could, however I felt so sorry for them that I spoiled them rotten, gave them whatever they wanted in hopes that they will no obsess with the trauma of not having their father in their lives and being blamed for it. They grew up without him, but when they turned 18, they did “come a calling” and was in contact with him, NOW, they all HATE ME for fear of loosing their father again, I am not allowed to see my 2 grand daughters, and I wasn’t even allowed in the delivery room, however their father and step mom were, what a kick in the rear, huh? They ONLY call on ME when they want “something”, of which I put an end to, I am in so much pain over this that it has emotionally ruined my life, As the original poster stated herself that she was moving 300 miles away, I to decided to leave the state, then I wouldn’t live so close.. I guess I figured in my mind that they would NOW have an “excuse” not to see me since I would be so far away! I have done so much for these kids, and have never turned my back, until now. They have treated me terribly and judge me from head to toe!! I am now learning to live without my kids and grand-kids, but I’m afraid that I have not an oz of forgiveness in me, if they should come around again, I don’t want to take up too much of your time by posting all the horrible things they have done and said, but it was enough to push me over the edge and now I want to move on with my life, since I have never put ME first… am I now being the selfish one?! Its been a roller coaster of parental abuse. My oldest however has attempted to reach out to me, but I have no trust nor desire to reconnect, the wounds are still open and I have JUST begun to live without them, hard to do a quick turnaround at the snap of a finger, any advise? Thank you. L.
L. – I see that you have come over to my Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com where a community has formed around the kinds of issues you describe. Wise Woman!
I never realized that there was such a thing as Parent Alienation Syndrome.My heart has been broken for so long that I have started suffering permanent symptoms that chronic stress has brought about. My heart is literally broken. I have high blood pressure and palpitations. I do not sleep and get terrible nightmares.
I must say that I feel a bit better after reading some of your postings. I realize now, after 15 agonizing years, that I have to stop beating myself up. I just have not figured out how to move away from my children and start a life of my own yet. I keep on grovelling, giving them things and just waiting for matters to improve.
I live in a crime ridden, violent country where older people cannot live alone. People living alone get robbed,raped and murdered every day. That scares me even more than my children are scaring me at the moment.
I am a professional person,but I cannot keep a job. I have alienated all my friends and family because I did not want them to know what hell I was living in. I did not want them to know how my children were treating me. I did not know how to explain how it could possibly be that we had such a good relationship and that it all changed when they started seeing their father again. That my once loving children could turn on me with such hate and dislike must obviously be my fault.
I am at such a loss. What must I own up to or give or do to just get a friendly conversation from either of them? A.
A – I have been there and my take is there’s nothing you can do. Their choices are about them, not you and unfortunately they have that right. You have the right to change your own life by moving beyond the unfulfilled expectations that are taking your health and joy. You are giving them power they don’t deserve. Please consider coming over to my women’s Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com where the members help each other though this kind of anguish to a place of healing. I will be there, too. Blessings, Luise
A I am going through a simeler thing but I quit giving my kids things after my youngest child run up a credit card debt $8,000 It seems like the ones that you give the most to hate me the most. My sister was an alcholic and not a good mother (just not there for her childern) but they all love her. I was a good mother, & 2 of my 4 children hate me. D.
I feel everyones pain here. On the flip side, I just told my 35 year old son and 29 year old son that I never want to hear from THEM again. All they bring into my life is grief. They take and take and treat me with utter disrespect. They are rude, mean, and cruel adults. They verbally abuse me as well as other women in their lives. I have to protect myself from them. I really feel as though I “hate” them both. I know that “hate is a feeling that will cause me problems and I am prepared to work on forgiveness so that I can feel nuetral toward them. However, I will NOT let either of them back in my life. I have realized that they are the type of people who will only bring negative into my life if they are a part of it. Unfortunately, sometimes we have to come to terms with the fact that our children aren’t the type of adults we want to associate with. K.
K. Please come over to my Web-forum: http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com You will find women there in the same boat who are helping each other heal. Blessings, Luise
Amen to that K, and I understand your need to back away from the problem. Save yourself.
I wish I could do that, but when grandchildren are involved it’s very hard. Innocent little children who have bonded with you and cry when they have to leave you to go back to the parents.
Back away now before grandchildren come into the picture because once you form a bond with grandchildren they become weapons for your adult children to use against you, to manipulate you, knowing it breaks your heart because the child is dragged into an adult situation and you are helpless. K.
Found this site after googling about some of my family problems. (I am the only child from my parents, but my mother had 2 sons from a previous marriage who are 11 and 13 years older than me). I have a deep anger with my family because I am the one treated like a child (I am 29) and over looked by everbody, blamed, nobody ever takes my side, have to constantly defend myself, etc. We have had these problems ever since i am growing up. The only time they were partially cooperative is when they had the potential to be–oops–in trouble with the therapist when i told her my side and what goes on. Gosh I miss that lady.
I am seriously wanting to move far away from all of them once I am able to find a good job away from here. I do not attend family functions as it is. It is hurtful seeing my dad show an interest in my brothers and enjoy talking to them, but he never does that with me even though I’m the biological child. My mother is too busy kissing up to my dad to ever take my side on anything, or to even strike up a conversation with me. I am like the roach that must be stepped on, silenced, and exterminated. Why did you bring me here again and I’m supposed to be grateful for this? I would rather not be here in this case.
I pretend on the outside that things are the same old every day…”fine”, but i really want to get away from all of these backstabbers. And my mom even has the nerve to say to me in a wistful voice “oh forgive me if i’m not the greatest mother, but you REALLY just make me so mad sometimes” after an argument. It’s easy for her to say when they never listen to my concerns or my side of the fence or try to come to some middle ground so everyone is happy. Any time I try to speak up for myself I am thwarted down by two screaming people and automatically outnumbered. I’ve slowly learned to not bother because I am considered a cancer.
My father’s father was very verbally mean to me saying things about how I’m nothing and terrible, lazy, useless, worthless. It disgusts me that a grandfather could be this way and I’ve never had any contact with him since I was a teen and I’m sure he knows why. I also have anger toward my father who never said a thing about it to his dad, even though my mom wanted him to.
To the original poster, I just have to say maybe there’s a REASON they don’t want to talk to you ever again. There is only so much a person can take before they go insane. Sometimes they need to retain their sanity. Almost 75% of family experiences and relationships have been very hurtful and bad for me except for a couple nice aunties & uncles, but we are not close. At this point I just want to get away and be left in peace! E.
Dear A-M
Yours is only one story. I am sorry that you grew up with family problems and feeling neglected, however, there are so many different circumstances in all of our stories. I know mine is not anything like yours.
In fact, when I married my husband she was the center of our world…he loved and raised her as his own. We didn’t have our own child for many years (by choice) and when we did we were very careful that she never felt like less.
Now she hates us….we weren’t perfect parents by a long shot, but she wasn’t a perfect person either.
So you see, I understand that because of your pain you come on a site like this, read our emails and assume we must have been like YOUR parents because you think you feel like OUR adult children.
You can’t really compare your story to others…but I’ll suggest that you get back into therapy for your own sake, and find a new one, doesn’t sound like the other one was very neutral and doesn’t seem to have helped your family with long term skills. K.
You guys are lucky they want nothing to do with you. I would go on a vacation for a few months. believe me no loss, kids just drain you financially and emotionally. G.
To G.: THAT is really good advice. Make them know that they are not the Alpha and the Omega that they think they are. Yes, let them stew while you relax. A-M
Do you still control their lives? Tell them what to do? Treat your children like 10 year olds? This undermines them in front of their spouse and children and they feel extremely embarrassed and frustrated when it happens.
In any situation. a child should love his mother and father unconditionally, however maybe if you do these things… It’s time to take a step back and let your children live their lives. S.
I am new here and looking for (I don’t know what) My 2 daughtors HATE me and I don’t know why. Haven’t heard from there in years. Am I such a dispicable perso??? Brought up in orphanage with no family. Married 30+ years to no avail. Can anyone help me?
E. – Yes, come over to my Website where women help each other with issue concerning adult children and extended families. We are at: http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com I have found the what is needed is a supportive community. I hope to see you there. Blessings, Luise
Wow, I just needed to hear what many of you have had to say. I think the recurring theme of entitlement amongst our children and the blame game they play – passive aggressive behaviour (which I am sure I had a part in teaching them through single parenting and meno-pause).
All the things I now know I taught them by being their most common role model. Men by nature show less emotion (they seem to have more emotional attachment however – at least in my opinion), the model of the absent father, who failed at parenting – I mean didn’t live up to a good model parent, certainly my children’s father appeared to have been a good father NOW, but when my two oldest were 14 and/or 15 they each took a turn moving in with their father and both lasted less than a couple of weeks before he lost it on them for their rude behaviour and ran home (I probably should have made them stay). Regardless, now they are 37 & 38, they talk behind my back about their issues with me and their perceptions of me. They say I did *something* to provoke their father’s abusive nature and they continually hammer home many of the defects of character they perceive in me.
So logically I can see that they are not thinking anywhere near outside the box. I can forgive, but, in their presence, when that aching heart fills my soul and the fear that it will repeat itself wells up inside of me, I find myself paralyzed and unable to be present and/or participate in their lives. I’ve asked for time away from them so as not to bring my drama into their lives and then again I am treated with disrespect and a lack of empathy or compassion, told that I am a drama queen and to change that aspect of my being. It torments me to know how to put that aspect to bed, stop feeling so responsible for being the person they do not want in their lives, it seems to impact me greater and the emotional response becomes ‘bigger’ than the power I possess to control it. I had my grandchild over for a sleepover and spent so much time trying to ‘feed’ her properly, give her a good time and to be the wise and good gramma she used to think I was and the entire time worrying what I may have done wrong in the imagination of her mother to make her want to withdraw her and not only that talk behind my back to her sister about it. Then if I mention these fears not in an emotional or time consuming way, I am attacked and told I am not important enough to talk about… later when they are enraged or riled up about something they refer to conversations and discussions they have had about my actions, words or simple way of being that they have talked about and formed an opinion of. And while I know this is a mentality of a high school bully, it envelopes every muscle in my body and I can’t seem to shrug it off, I don’t walk away and find a better situation to be in. I withdraw at home and feel unworthy and confused about what is and isn’t true.
I understand a victim of a bully, it feels so much like there is no way out because of the fear that the pain will be once again inflicted verbally and the cycle with repeat itself.
Most of my friends, (unlike many here I have chosen to share things with them), don’t speak to me anymore – again, I am confused is this because I talk about my heartbreak and believe me I don’t just talk to them about that aspect of my life I listen and I interact and I try to find ways to enjoy life together with them.
I cannot figure out if I am the cause or the effect, the depth of the darkness and confusion is so great.
Logically I can deduce that this is a mental emotional breakdown, yet the only way I know how to avoid the feelings is to bury myself in my work, coming up for air to realize how alone I really am.
It feels better just to say it.
D. – Please consider coming over to my Web-forum if you haven’t already. It’s a place where you can share with others and find support. We are at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com I hope to see you there. Blessings, Luise
I say dump the ungrateful adult “children” and live your own life. They have a lot to learn and one thing they’ll learn through their own children is how merciless grown kids can be! They keep score and they’ll let you know about every single error you ever made as a parent. When they are on the receiving end of this kind of criticism, it just might occur to them that you really did the best that you could with the knowledge that you had at the time. What goes around really does come around. Good luck! N.
Good advice. I distanced myself from my children with great sadness. They now actually speak to me in a more civil way. I end the conversation when it starts turning sour.
It is not what I want, but I feel better about myself without having to endure their nasty attidutes. A.
Hi my name is Betty and I would appreciate some insight as to how to not only deal with my mother but also my daughter.
My mother is 97 years old and an immigrant. She has been a widow for 15 years and lives on her own. I am thankful for her abilities but there are issues that have existed between us since the day I can remember as a child. She has never approved of my actions throughout my life, some of which I understand others which I feel are just her way of saying that I have always been a throne in her side. I feel it’s to late now to gain any explanation or understanding of her feelings since she is now very paranoid of everything and everyone. The last incident was her believing that my husband and I were stealing from her and she called the police. Nothing happened but I have stayed away because I do not want to create any more fear in her than what already exists. It is very hard to know what to feel, hurt, anger, and unwanted, are some of the feelings that not only exists now but have throughout my childhood. My question is without having the money for counseling what would I do when she passes on? I feel that this situation has affected how I was as a mother and where I am now in my relationship with my daughter.
I am in my second marriage one of which my daughter has not been involved in but was most exposed to my second. I divorced her biological father when she was 18 mo.old and of course it was difficult since I was not educated and had no one to turn to except acquaintances for living. My parents were in a retirement home environment and children under 55 were not to live there. I ended up in various relationships until I met my 2′nd husband when she was 5. We never lived together & married when she was 5, he was the main influence on her life due to her biological father leaving when she was 9. After 10 years of marriage to my second husband his PTSD became most difficult along with my drinking problem and my daughters drug problems. We sought counseling to no avail. Looking back, of course hind sight is 20/20, I should have paid any amount to help us recover from our dysfunction. My current husband is a great person without all the baggage and is wonderful to me and my grandchildren (4 boys, ages 5 – 13).
My second husband still is actively involved in my daughters life but is disabled and does not see her or the children on a regular basis. He does provide her with any monetary help she may need since she is a single parent with an ex-husband who has been incarcerated most of the children’s lives. During the process of her divorce she became totally dysfunctional and in the past has had various encounters with CPS. My abilities were maxed out to provide the support that she needed. I quit my job in order to be readily available for the grandchildren and watched them for 5 years while she worked. I was paid with the money she received from her stepfather in order to supplement my income since not having one was not something I could offer. Needless to say it was a struggle since I was exposed to things most mothers would have problems with. i.e. cleanliness, food, liquor bottles etc. Of course I was verbal about the situations as they arise only to be pushed to my limits and having to pull back and quit. Also during this time she met an abusive man who sent her to the hospital. Now she seems to have gotten much better psychologically and is moving in a positive direction. I am happy for her but she has been very critical of my child rearing, my rearing of her as a mother and has become very distant. I have pulled way back in asking any questions about her life unless she wants to share, I see my grandchildren and try to do what I can. I have asked her to get help with me to see if we might be able to strengthen our relationship but her answer is no, she does not have the time for us. It hurts but what does a mother do from this point? Should I continue to wait it out, take small steps? I just don’t know what to do. E.
E – My take is there is very little we can do to change others unless they want to change themselves. I doesn’t sound to me like either your mother or your daughter want to the deep and often difficult work usually required to do that. You did your best with both of them. Your mother wasn’t perfect, you sren’t and neither is your daughter. We aren’t put together that way.
I would suppgest start now to let go of the pain, disappointment, frustration and hopelessness and focus on your own life. abusive relationships do serious damage. Wish them both well in your heart and remember that you are more than a daughter and a mother…you are a person and you deserve better. Find ways to give yourself the peace and joy you deserve. Blessings, Luise
much love sisters! feel your pain thoght i was all by myself xxxooo i guess everythung will be alright and it wll x T.
T. I have a forum you might light to join http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com where we support each other. Blessings, Luise
Dear e.
Looks like you have gone through a lot. Sometimes life doesn’t seem fair, but we must go on, until there is no more where to go, only thing for sure is turn to God, when there is nothing left, there is God. I have done that. I have gone through a lot also. I have a daughter that hates me and I have no family where I live, so I am all alone, but I have turned to God and this is my only hope. So hang in there sister. My prayers are with you. B.