MomResponds.com: Ask Questions, Get Answers

Comment by L.

August 6, 2009 @ 7:43 pm

I am so sorry to hear of this, i do hope things get better for you. I, too have a daughter who hates me and believes that I am the worst thing that ever happened to her. 25 years ago my doctor said it might save my life to have an abortion, I chose not to and gave birth to her. I risked my life to give her one, and she hates me! Like you, I don’t understand how this is possible. To make matters worse, I heard my daughter is now pregnant with her first child, a child that I will most likely never see, due to her hatred. The essential problem is, that i had the nerve to divorce her father who did nothing but lie and cheat the 28 years we were married, to this day i don’t know how i tolerated him for as long as i did. the world is a cruel place, its in Gods hands. Maybe some day things will change. L.

Comment by Luise

August 6, 2009 @ 9:26 pm

It’s a long, tough road to raise children and love them deeply only to lose them later on. Some have to rationalize a divorce and can’t stop idealizing the parent who doesn’t deserve it. I have a web-Forum where we talk about issues with adult children. Please think about coming over and joining us. Blessings, Luise
http://www.motherinlawsunite.com

Comment by M.

August 11, 2009 @ 9:14 pm

Dear L.:I am so sorry for your pain. I have a daughter who hates me also. I love her so much. I moved from one state to raise three children by myself. And she married a man where his whole family lives on the same block. She worships his mother. She is now best friends with her father and step-mother (they cheated for 2 years) but I don’t care about that. I never get to see my grand-daughter and she is so precious. She just had a new baby boy and she told my other daughter not to tell me. I creid all night. Why? would a child kick their mother to the curb? Why? She and her husband have treated me like dirt. What can you do? Nothing. Its worth than death. I feel like I am being punished for something but I don’t know what it is. God help me. She never will know what it was like to have struggled, we were poor, but clean good home, good food. I thought. My other two children, say mom, you have us? They don’t understand–to loose a child is so painful. Too be excluded for nothing. Her father didn’t send a card for 18 years–nothing and now they are best friends. I’m glad she found peace with him. But why me? She told my other daughter that I fed her baby water-and I’m a horrible granmother. I told her she is a year old-and bugs drink water. Oh well. I’ve got to pray and maybe someday she will come back. But, I am getting old-and time goes by so fast. thanks for letting me vent. I am heart broken. M.

Comment by Luise

August 11, 2009 @ 9:37 pm

Dear M. This kind of thing is totally beyond understanding. And it is horrible. Please come over to my web-Forum and share what you are going through with the others there. They are a group of compassionate, wise and supportive women who know what you are up against.

The URL is: http://www.motherinlawsunite.com

Blessings, Luise

Comment by I.

August 21, 2009 @ 8:37 pm

Dear D: I too know the pain of being hated by an adult child. She’s 32 and lives 1000 miles away with her husband and my grandson. I’m told she wants to be 1000 miles away from me; that I’m inadequate as a mother; that I have embarrassed her in the past; that I’m not up to her social par, etc., etc. There is no forgiveness in her heart. She fails to see any embarrassment or hurt she has caused me or all that it took out of me to raise her; much less birth her at 17 when abortion was everyone else’s cure. I fought for her life yet she hates me. It’s all about her. Everything is about her and when it comes to HATE in any form, that is what you will find – self-centeredness, self-righteousness, blame and judgment of others, justified by any pain they have felt in the past. I have concluded that until my child grows up spiritually, she will always choose to feel this way about me because it makes her a bigger person in her own mind. I can’t do anything about that but I can and do follow my own belief system and pray for both of us. I.

Comment by Luise

August 22, 2009 @ 7:39 am

Thank you for responding to D. We can offer each other great comfort no matter how differing our spiritual beliefs are. Blessings, Luise

Comment by Luise

August 22, 2009 @ 9:04 am

Thanks for responding to “D.”. We are all on differing spiritual paths, of course, and supporting each other can be a wonderful experience.

Comment by K.

October 23, 2009 @ 2:09 am

My two grown daughters hate me. They say I am controlling, manipulative, mean, but they have truly embellish so many things that I feel they just need to hate me right now for some reason. I was a hovering mother. Maybe that is why. I gave them everything and then started taking care of me. Maybe that is why. They have very controlling men in their lives. Maybe that is why. They won’t tell me. They just tell me to stay away and I can’t see my grandchildren. It is a mystery to me and a heartbreak. It is hard to go on. I just want to know. How can I change if I don’t know? My daughters are best friends…so I am odd man out. They are not lonely. I am very lonely. How do you go on with this much depression and confusion? I don’t have many friends, because my family was my social life…and suddenly it ended. I lost 7 of my loved ones at once. The holidays are here and I don’t see this changing. I just want to survive it. Please tell me where I can get help…not counseling, but a support group of people, so I don’t feel completely alone. I feel like I am dying. Please tell me what might help that I can afford. Please. This is hell and I never expected it…never. We were always close. Thank you so much. K.

Comment by Luise

October 26, 2009 @ 5:43 am

Dear K.: It is hard sometimes to remember that we were whole people before we became mothers. It doesn’t look like the “whys” are going to help you if your daughters are judging you on the past (real or imagined) and are creating a united front. Their motivation sounds pretty self-generated…with you as the victim.

I agree that a support group is the answer. You might want to see a counselor just once to find out what is available where you live or you could go to your minister and ask for direction. Or better yet, do both. Where I live, the County Senior Services (not senior centers, necessarily), is the answer. They screen people for depression and put them in support programs that are free. There is help out there but you may have to be consistently pro-active to find it. There is life after parenting because, as I said, you had a life before parenting. You just need some help finding and accepting it as your next alternative.

I have a resource for you on the web. It’s my web-Forum http://motherinlawsunite.com
You will find a very supportive community there and it isn’t limited to mother in laws, there are many other issues regarding adult children that are discussed.

You gave your daughters life. Their lack of respect and their unwillingness to work through this with you, (whatever “this” is) is not so much a reflection on you as it is on them. It’s about their path in life and their values. You are a worthwhile and yes, lovable, individual and you deserve a great deal more. It is up to yo to find it and validate yourself, which is what you are doing by writing to me. Keep it up and don’t give up. Blessings, Luise

Comment by K.

November 21, 2009 @ 1:03 am

I just read some of these. I’m dying inside. I don’t know how I can really stand another set of holidays. It’s been over a year since my 27yo daughter took my beautiful only grandaugter and herself out of my life. She has a restraining order and made up horrific lies to get it. She asked for a continuance of for another year. My other children have tried to talk to her but she has nothing to do with any of them now because they would not disown me. My god, I have prayed til I can’t anymore. How do I live without seeing my grandchild. I’m so lost. K.

Comment by Luise

November 22, 2009 @ 6:36 am

Please come over to my Web-forum: http://motherinlawsunite.com where issues with adult children are shared. Blessings, Luise

Comment by B.

December 6, 2009 @ 12:15 am

To K. I am writing this to help you, not to hurt you. Please try to read it with an open mind. Your two daughters hate you and they have told you very clearly the reasons why:
“They say I am controlling, manipulative, mean” and
“I was a hovering mother.” Unfortunately, you do not validate their reasons as you wrote: “but they have truly embellish so many things that I feel they just need to hate me right now for some reason.” You wrote:
“They have very controlling men in their lives. Maybe that is why. They won’t tell me.” No, that is not why. Your daughters already told you why but you dismissed it as ‘embelleshing’.
“They just tell me to stay away and I can’t see my grandchildren. It is a mystery to me and a heartbreak.”
It is not a mystery, once again, they told you what the problem was but you dismissed it. “It is hard to go on. I just want to know. How can I change if I don’t know?”
Once again, but you do know what is wrong! “My daughters are best friends…so I am odd man out. They are not lonely. I am very lonely. How do you go on with this much depression and confusion?” By dropping the drama and victim attitude and solve the real reasons of the problem. This needy and catastrophic attitude is seen as manipulation, blackmail and guilt trips from you. As for your daughters being your best friends, I am afraid it is only a fantasy on your head, as they are not corresponding the friendship.You would like them to be your best friends, which is very different from actually being your best friends. “I don’t have many friends, because my family was my social life…and suddenly it ended.” That is a big problem and a big mistake on your part. You need to snap out of it and build a social circle, find friends and and stop obsessing about this situation. Volunteer at a hospital, at your church’s nursery, try to fill this void any other way. “I lost 7 of my loved ones at once. The holidays are here and I don’t see this changing.” You do not see this changing because you did not address the reasons why your daughters are avoiding you.
“I just want to survive it. Please tell me where I can get help…not counseling, but a support group of people, so I don’t feel completely alone.” You do need counseling, but that is part of the problem, you are not willing to face the real situation and face it. “I feel like I am dying. Please tell me what might help that I can afford. Please. This is hell and I never expected it…never.” When your daughters addressed the problem with you, have you told them you were dying and this is hell? This kind of dramatic comments make you the passive victim instead of the active participant that would like to solve the problem. You need to drop the drama, face the problem, if not for your daughters, for your own mental sanity. “We were always close.” Maybe it is true, but if you asked your daughters, you may be surprised. Two daughters do not cut off their mother just because, there has to be a good reason for it. They do not want you around their children in order to protect them from you. The solution is in your hands. I can guarantee you that if your daughters see a consistent change in your attitude, over an extended period of time, your relationship could be fixed. B.

Comment by N.

January 16, 2010 @ 9:11 pm

i feel the same pain. i have 2 daughters that don’t want me around them and i miss my 4 grandchildren so much sometimes i think i can’t go on. i cry so much i need a support group. I am not very good at the computer so i don’ know if you will get this. N.

Comment by Luise

January 17, 2010 @ 6:57 am

Dear N. You did just fine on the computer. They mystify me, too. Please come over to my Web-forum at: http://www.motherinlawsunite.com if you feel it might help. It addresses issues between mothers and adult children. Blessings, Luise

Comment by P.

March 12, 2010 @ 6:39 pm

Dear Luise: Since my divorce 12 years ago my daughters have not talked to me. I have called them but they are distant. I know I made a big mistake when I left them when I divorced. They were not babies; they were 13 and 18 years old. Dad cheated and I left. OK, I know I left them but you would think they would understand now. They are 26 and 30 and they want nothing to do with me. Help. P.

Dear P.: I have just watched this play out first hand with a close friend who left her husband three years ago. Her girls were then 15 and 17. It’s a very tough situation. They haven’t forgiven her but they are in contact and they’re trying.

There’s nothing I know of that you can do to change how people think. They probably reinforce each other and their Dad may add fuel to the fire.

I did something similar when my sons were 9 and 17 but I took them with me. It’s a selfish thing to do. We put ourselves first. My husband didn’t even cheat; I was just stifled in the marriage. Knowing we were wrong doesn’t erase anything. One of my son’s forgave and the other didn’t.

Please come over to my Web-forum: http://www.wisewomenunite.com I think you may find support and understanding there. Blessings, Luise

Comment by kelly

April 2, 2010 @ 3:59 pm

I feel that all of yor people should forget about these monster children of yours and find a new life for yourself. these children are in the world for their own posposes. God has only use you to let them in. I know that it is hard, but let them go. I have learnt a very useful lesson. I am a single parent who has struggled with my two daughters and have done nothing but good for them. I loved with all of my heart. As soon as they can out of school, one went and got married and both of them have kid. After I finished paying for my land and needed to build a home I asked if one of them could co sign with me for the home they sad no, they have their own things to so. These girls didn’t even consider me. I am have bank loan to this day because I have been considering my childen. Everything I did I did it for them. How am I suppose to feel? I don’t know how to deal with these kid anymore.

Comment by K

April 2, 2010 @ 4:06 pm

I feel that all of yor people should forget about these monster children of yours and find a new life for yourself. these children are in the world for their own posposes. God has only use you to let them in. I know that it is hard, but let them go. I have learnt a very useful lesson. I am a single parent who has struggled with my two daughters and have done nothing but good for them. I loved with them all my heart. As soon as they came out of school, one went and got married and both of them have kids. After I finished paying for my land and needed to build a home I asked if one of them could co sign with me for the home ( I have a good job and would be able to make my own payment, all I needed was a co signer) I ask them and they sad no they have their own things to do. These girls didn’t even consider me. I have bank loans to this day because I have been considering my childen. Everything I did I did it for them. How am I suppose to feel? I don’t know how to deal with these kid any more.

Comment by Luise

April 4, 2010 @ 10:04 pm

I agree that there are times we just need to go on alone. It’s impossible to understand.

Comment by L.

April 21, 2010 @ 10:43 pm

My son and daughter both hate me. I just don’t understand how your child can treat the person who took such good care of them suddenly don’t want to be near me. I am sad daily. I cry at night. I am miserable. I don’t know why they hate me so. I was the mother who was always there for my children. I supported them in everything they did. I allowed them to express their feeling and emotions without judgment. They never went without. My whole life was focused on their well being. I even embraced my son who is gay. I’ve always told him I loved him and support him and very proud of him. My daughter ran off with her boyfriend who encouraged her to break our house rules and encourage me to kick her out. She loves and adores his Mother. My heart is broken….I am suffering. I put a mask on everyday with a smile but inside I just want to die. I wonder if they know how much they are hurting me? L.

Comment by T.

April 25, 2010 @ 9:17 pm

I really don’t know where to start. We have two grown daughters who are in alcohol and drug addiction recovery. Both of them at one time or another and at the same time moved in with us. Unfortunately, I work at the same school our grandchildren attended. When the grandkids were failing classes and the teachers e-maile our daughter, she deleted the messages…eventually, the teachers would tell me the situation. I was concerned and priveleged to the parental passwords to online information and tried desparately to get my daughter to actively participate in her children’s school activities and talk to the teachers. My husband and my daughters thought I had crossed the line and none of this was any of my business. Unfortunately, I worked there and really care about the success of my grandchildren. All of a sudden, I found myself on an island alone in my own home. There was a huge fight and my grandson punched a hole in the wall and called his dad (who hardly had any contact with the kids) to come and get him. A week later our grandaughter left too. Within two weeks the dad’s girlfriend had a melt down and our daughter moved to protect the kids. Her oldest son still lives with us, but is rude, disrespectful and is now a freshman in college, (I think). My sister left a trust fund for all the kids for college, but it was in my daughter’s name and I’m certain he doesn’t go to school, just uses it to party. One of his friends came home the other night…slept in the guest room… puked all over and left. My husband defended my grandson. I’m terribly afraid of my husband when he gets angry…so I just tiptoe around. Yesterday I asked my grandson not to bring his friends home if they’ve been drinking. He got mad and left. Again I haven’t mentioned this to my husband out of fear. I’m 63 and really can’t go it alone, but I don’t know what to do. I’m miserably unhappy. THanks…Tammy

Comment by Luise

April 26, 2010 @ 8:05 am

Oh, Tammy, you are going it alone. Get some counseling please and get out of there. Any “alone” is better than that one. I am 83 and just had to put my 98 year-old husband in a nursing home and I am learning to “go it alone.” The others are responsible for sorting out their lives…you are responsible for yours and you deserve so much better.

Also, please consider coming over to my Web-forum: http://www.wisewomenunite.com for additional support. Blessings, Luise

Comment by E.

April 26, 2010 @ 8:50 pm

Every time my daughter and I get into a argument she brings up the past and reminds me what a horrible parent I was. I was a parting mom, I worked two jobs, divorced from her father who wouldn’t pay child support. When I got sick I quit my job and for the past 13 years help take care of her children so they didn’t have to get strangers to babysit while, her and her husband worked. I got them ready for school, cleaned her house etc. Again this past week we got into a argument because she didn’t want her husband to know she bought a gift for my sister. They are on a budget. Well per usual she threw it in I wasn’t a good mother to her. I needed some groceries to tide me over till I received my social security check, she told me I could go hungry just like she did as a kid. She forgets we all went hungry just had the bare essentials. I am a diabetic. I have tried to make up for things I did wrong over and over. By basically being her maid and babysitter for free. I felt I owed it. My boys are totally different. My youngest who is 33 was so upset, he brought me groceries and reminded me he didn’t want me to move close to her away from other family. But I did. Now I’m alone here and it hurts not to see the grandchildren I feel I helped raise. They are awesome kids. The tears and the depression does not go away. She is only one street away, and let me go hungry. E.

Comment by Luise

April 26, 2010 @ 9:17 pm

I can’t begin to understand that but God bless your son!

Comment by D.

May 3, 2010 @ 9:21 am

Wow! I have read your comments and I empathize with all of you. My kids are 19, 17, 14, and 12. And the oldest three hate me so much, I think they want me to die. They cause me so much heartache, that I can’t take it anymore. I do feel like I am dying inside and I get really bad headaches. I don’t have grandchildren, but I do know that they are going to punish me for not doing something. I just don’t know what that something is. I have given them everything and I have given them all my attention. I am single and I do not date at all. My kids used to be straight A students, now they are achieving less and throwing up in my face. My son who was in GATE and the honor program will be failing the entire 11th grade. He said he did it on purpose to hurt me, but I told him that his failures are not my failures. He is 17. My 19 yr old is in college and now she does not care about her grades. She does not study nor does she do any chores. My 14 years talks really bad in front of her friends and now her grades are also slipping. The youngest continues to make straight A and is number one in her class. They resent her and tell her to make bad grades so that I will be sad. I don’t understand what I did to deserve this type of treatment. They break everything, they don’t clean, they mess up everything, they take things out the house, give things to their friends, they don’t check in, they are very disrespectful to me, they call me names. I don’t know what happen to my perfect children who once loved me. They act like spoiled, ungrateful children who have a false sense of entitlement. I want to runaway and take my youngest and never talk to them again. My son has been living with his father for the last 8 months and he gives me guilt trips because he said I kicked him out. I don’t want him in my house because he does not listen and it filters to the other children in the home. I want my oldest daughter to move out because she gets on my nerves. I told her to take out her trash and she dumped it on my bed. I explained to her that she should not eat out as much and pay her own bills. And she continues to use her money for her own personal things and leave me with paying her bills. I think they want me to die and they have mentioned it to me a lot. What do I do when my kids hate me and want me to die? Was I too nice with my children? Was I a permissive parent? I have rules that are simple, but they don’t and won’t abide by them since they became teenagers. I love them so much and I really am worried about them. D.

Comment by PJM

May 4, 2010 @ 11:30 pm

After reading all the other sad posts about other mother’s problems, I feel like my problems are so minuscule, in comparison.

I graduated at 16, married at 17, and was a mother before I was 18. The marriage did not last, and I went home to my parents, along with my child. My mother completely took over my child, and refused to allow me to take him when I was in a position to move. I was told that they would fight me, and they had more financial resources than I did. Of course. This was over fifty years ago.

I remarried a couple of years later, got my degree, and had a good career, along with a happy home. We had two daughters. My mother summarily turned my daughters against me, telling them I was a bad mother. This is rubbish, I had absolutely no choice but to let her take over my first child.

My parents passed away dozens of years ago. My husband and I had noticed them distancing themselves from us, in the last 8-10 years. We chalked it up to their busy schedules, but did discuss this discernible lack of closeness.

Holidays were always at our home, we have a large home and can accomodate as many as 24 at our dining room table. We always bore the expenses of every holiday meal, only requesting they bring some insignificant item like rolls, to special meals.

They acted like they were being punished, by coming to our Holiday meals. Mind you- I cook a gourmet cuisine, every one of them acknowledged the superiority of the meals- and I would always bring out all the silver, good dishes and crystal for these events.

They started ignoring both my husband and me. They acted like we were just serving people. They talked among themselves, and acted like we did not exist.

It finally came to a head, and both girls, and our oldest granddaughter turned on me like cur dogs.

Both my husband and I disowned all of them. Even though we had created a living trust, we are changing the beneficiaries to be the local Humane Society, instead of these rotten little ingrates.

Our youngest daughter made overtures in a Christmas card- hoping we could patch things up in 2010.

Her son- one of our favorite grandchildren- contacted me last month for genealogical information for a school project. I was happy to supply copious information for him. Our ancestors were pioneers and we have at least five places named for them on the map, and we are quite proud of the heritage we pass along to our progeny.

I requested he let us know how he did, when he presented his report. We never heard from him. I chalked it up to him being a busy youngster, but I was still hurt.

Today, our youngest daughter phoned, requesting to speak to her father. He was on a remote part of our ranch. Her “breezy” attitude was disconcerting, to say the least.

Her, “Hi Mom!!” was an unwelcome sound! If she thinks she can treat me like dirt and come back back some months later with a breezy, “Hi Mom!!” she is mistaken. I had him call her back, she had a question about the state lottery!!

I have never heard an apology for the mean and hateful things that were said by the three of them last August.

I am in a world of hurt. A family friend is dying of cancer, I am in the middle of writing a book, my husband is having physical problems, and now the damn younger kid thinks she can blow off all the horrible words she has said to me!!

In a word: Bull! I wish she would either muster up the gumption to give me a damned good explanation and an apology, or just leave us alone!!

I will not forget, nor will I forgive, unless I hear something that sounds like a proper explanation and apology.

Frankly, I feel too much water has gone under the bridge, to patch this up. Let the Humane Society reap the rewards of our hard work. Little animals are deserving, I doubt our children are!

Any comments?

Comment by Luise

May 5, 2010 @ 12:42 pm

You did your best. That’s what I get. What more can kids expect? You put together a good marriage, a good career and a good home after a really tough start. Kids turn out however they do and some that have horrible childhoods are real winners. I have never understood it and have stopped trying. Your anger is very clear and your actions follow it logically. In your place, I think I’d enjoy the rest of my life with my guy and accept the kids back if and when they came with remorse and respect. Blessings, Luise

Comment by PJM

May 5, 2010 @ 10:14 pm

Thank you for your sage advice, Luise. I cannot begin to tell you how comforting it is to actually talk with someone who understands, and does not poo-poo my comments as those of a “pre-dementia” person, (to quote my oldest granddaughter.)

I need to get myself some face-to-face friends. Any suggestions? We live in a small town on the central California coast.

I hesitate to contact AARP (of which we are members) as I do not want to become one of those old bags that do nothing but gossip, and dye their fuzz heads blue!!

Damn, that sounds really mean. I am 68, my husband is 67. We are not the old, out-of-date people that our children think we are. We like our wood furniture to be antique (which I personally have restored, myself, to a museum quality), but we insist our technology be the most current! I even installed an additional 4 gigs of ram in our desk computer, myself.

So, any suggestions?

Comment by PJM

May 5, 2010 @ 10:21 pm

Sorry, here’s a post script: Our oldest daughter called today, harried and being interrupted by urgent things at her work; finally, she came back on, and screamed, “Are you OK?” I could not hold back from saying, “WHY do you ask??”

Damn. This ticks me off, she-through our granddaughter- blasted me mercilessly, last August. I sent her (our daughter) her favorite candy when she had an operation. That was the last I had heard from her, then the screamed, “Are you OK??”

She became very nasty and said she would not BOTHER me any longer.

I “guess” this is my “Mother’s Day” call.

What a load of crap!!!

My husband and I agree, that we should have raised parrots!! P.

Comment by Luise

May 6, 2010 @ 6:16 pm

I don’t know…when I look for friends it’s a no go but then they just turn up and strange places. Keep your antennae at attention.

Comment by Luise

May 6, 2010 @ 8:03 pm

It sounds like your kids have banded together and are having a great time. As they become old enough to leave I would heave a big sign of relief. Until then, it sounds like you are doing all you can do…unfortunately. You deserve a lot better. Blessings, Luise

Comment by B.

May 13, 2010 @ 6:48 pm

Oh my where do I begin. My daughter have not talked me in a month! Everything that has happened in her life is “my fault.” I raised two children alone worked to jobs and went to school. My children have never went without anything that they needed, never went hungry or without clean clothes. I was there at the birth of both of her children, rocked them both before she did. Now she hates me because I tried to protect her son from her. She is manipulative and a compulsive liar. She has told the children that my husband and I no longer love them and we don’t care about them. She is telling anybody that will listen that I am a terrible mother and always have been, nor did I protect her as a child. She is saying that I have never done anything for her and her children. Every mistake that she’s ever made in her life is my fault. I am no good and I will never get to see my grandchildren again. I am dying a slow death as my grandchildren are so dear to me and I now have to find a way to live without them and I don’t know if I want to live if they are not in my life. I use to talk to them everyday and now the only way I can talk to them is through the babysitter. I am so afraid for their safety, mental, physical and emotional well being especially my grandson as she knows that when he hurts I hurt. All I do is cry now, I can barely work because of worry. Any suggestions other than therapy. I was going to a therapist and she yawned throughout our $125 and hour session. B.

Comment by Luise

May 17, 2010 @ 10:56 pm

Please bring this issue over to my Web-forum: http://www.wisewomenunite.com . I feel you might benefit from multiple responses. Blessings, Luise

Comment by L.

May 19, 2010 @ 1:59 pm

My heart broke as I read everyone’s experiences. I found this place because I wanted to find some sort of support and share experiences in hopes of feeling better. My daughter is now 18 and for a few years has become meaner to my husband me and her little brother. She is nice when she wants something. Being raised as a kid who saw a lot of abuse given to my sisters from their husbands I made it my priority to marry a good man to raise kids with. My husband is an angel a good loving soul. A good good person with a kind heart. We raised my daughter with lots of love and attention and she seemed so happy. Then during her teens something went wrong she because so self centered and it didn’t stop. Her hormones we know are unbalanced and nothing the doctors say we can do about it. She got worse. No matter how much support we gave her and talked with her she made terrible decisions. She doesn’t like to be around us, is shamed by us while her friends think we are the cool people. She complains frequently how we are too nice, says he dad is a sucker and get mad at me daily for basically nothing. When my husband went through major surgery she didn’t care and was cold. I cried my eyes out in fear of losing him. She gave no support. All she cared about was seeing her boyfriend. I now have an injury where I might face being in a chair. She doesn’t care it’s all about her. So knowing we have been caring parents I asked her to talk a test online. She did. This was the test. http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
The test show in every which why pointed to narcisism.

It hurt so much inside to see the self centered answers she wrote. During my life I raised my kids I never lost track of being a good wife and adore my husband as he does me. But we still hurt to know she doesnt care. We have friends and things we like to do and have gone on with our life while she still lives with us but we cry inside everyday. After taking the test she said she doesn’t need counceling because she likes the way she is. She gets friends and boyfriends and then loses them. She doesn’t like us and is mean to her little brother of 7 who has a heart of gold. I really dont’ know what to do. I hope everyone here can find peace and can go on with their life’s without a hurting heart. Some people you can’t change. My daughter is one of them. I accept it but still sad about it. L.

Comment by Luise

May 22, 2010 @ 9:10 am

Please bring this problem over to my Web-forum. I believe you will find understanding and support there. It is at: http://www.wisewomenunite.com I will interact with you there, too. Blessings, Luise

Comment by S.

May 24, 2010 @ 1:38 pm

Hi All,

I thought I was the only one hurting but it looks as if alot of you share the same pain I do. Well, I have 3 children whom I love dearly if I didn’t they wouldn’t be here. Anyway, at least one claims to have had a rough time growing up and I get the blame while she still stays in contact with my ex whom I thought she hated because thats what she told me, he’s not her real dad. Now my son who has not talked to me in 4 yrs this is his real dad now I was married 16 yrs before we got married he cheated on me and even all the way up to the divorce and I did not no matter what my son believes. My ex told my son hen he was 12 it was me I had never strayed ever! But it’s OK I guess cause I know the truth. Anyway, my son got married to some girl and then they had thier son and a few months later she is pregnant again I haven’t even met her or even seen her or the baby, they don’t live that far. Talk about hurt, my son is 31 I don’t blame him I guess but then he is suppose to have a mind, I just don’t understand why he completely put me out of his life I know my ex and his family said alot of untrue things about me but thats how they are and my ex did remarry 2 more times and now he is single again, hmmm I wonder why and yet it’s all ok I guess with that whole side and my son but it still hurts. Knowing I did no wrong and that department why has my son forgot about me? S.

Comment by S

May 24, 2010 @ 1:45 pm

Sorry for leaving out bits and pieces in my letter my fingers are faster than my mind anymore;) S.

Comment by S.

May 24, 2010 @ 3:01 pm

I feel so much for you. I to feel your pain as I’m going through something similar. I divorced my daughter’s father when she was a baby, and all he has
done is talk terrible about me to my daugher, well my
daughter believes everything he tells her, and one day
I just said something about her father and she didn’t like it and she has not spoken to me in about a year
she will email very little and treats me like a stranger. I have had no contact with my three granddaughters since. I remember their birthdays and
Christmas but won’t buy her husband or my daughter anything. All her life I spent so much money on her
and did everything I could to prove I loved her but
all I received was yelling and being so disrespected.
I have been told by her husband that she goes around
telling people horrible things about me. I have given
her baby showers, taken her for mother daughter
weekends, but everything had to be her way.
My husband who I have been married to for 26 years and knew my daughter since whe was four tells me
to not try and do anything else, he has seen how
horrible she treats me. We have a son together and
she doesn’t even treat him good or his wife
and children. My son is such a sweetie and so his
his wife. But I have decided to have nothing to do
with her, I’m just tired of the abuse and her calling
other woman mom, and I get treated as though I am nothing. Her father is a doctor so she is hoping he leaves her money and his house. So I feel I get
treated horrible because I am just not good enough
as her mother. I love her and my son in law
and my three granddaughters but I cannot go through
more years of being treated so bad. Her husband treats me no better but I think she has talked so
bad about me. I tried to make up for everything since
the divorce but I am and will always pay for it.
I miss and love my granddaughter so much but I feel
that when I buy them gift she is throwing them away
and she threatened me one day with I will make
the girls hate you anytime I want to.
I have given and given to her and my son in law
and my granddaughters but I am so tired of
being treated like dirt. She has hurt me so much
all her life and now I feel as though I don’t care
if I ever talk to her again. When my granddaughters
get older I will have a relationship with them I hope
I just pray she doesn’t make them hate me too.
Take care and I feel so much for you and all of us
who have tried but have a child who just wants
to treat us so bad. Life is just to short!
I just feel like she has kicked all the love out
of me that I once had for her. How can I ever
trust her or feel the love I had for her. S.

Comment by S.

May 24, 2010 @ 3:29 pm

Wanted to say also, I know it is hard for all of us
but life goes on, and hopefully one day they will
see what they haved done. You would think by them having children and the love they have for them they
would be wonderulf to us. My daughters father, cheated
on me with my maids, women in his office, treated me
bad, so just after two years of marriage and her at 6
months old I got up and left. I didn’t want anything
from him just my daughter and a little support for her. He fought me every step of the way for support
for her. This is the father she adores.
Go figure these children out.
Take care everyone and I know your heart aches
but for me I just won’t let her treat me terrible
any more, either I get her love and respect or I
don’t want anything from her at all. I have wallowed
in the dirt long enough and kissed her feet long
enough. I finally said no more if this is what she
wants I cannot change her mind. If I beg her or
write her loving emails or call her I might as well
just lay down and let her treat me like dirt
and just give her control over me.
Sorry for the long messages, but stay strong and
get the respect and love you all deserve.
Please don’t let your children control you and
keep treating you badly. You deserve so much more.
Keep the people in your lives who truly love you
and care for you, one day when our beautiful
grandchildren are older we will have a relationship
with them.

Comment by L.

May 27, 2010 @ 2:26 am

Im 59. My grown daughters hate me since I got became ill. The words are so horrible. I can’t repeat it them. This is the first time that I dare to talk about it. The worse is the abuse of my angel grandaughter. I have tried everything and I will keep on trying. I am afraid that my daughter will find out that I wrote this. If you answer, I will send you my phone number. L.

Comment by Luise

June 7, 2010 @ 9:24 am

All of the work I do is online. If you feel that is unsafe, know that I am praying for you. Blessings, Luise

Comment by Luise

June 7, 2010 @ 9:44 am

There are many ways to look at this but for me, once trust is broken…it is gone, never to return. Forgiveness is still available and we can go on loving…but trust is something else. Blessings, Luise

Comment by L.

June 23, 2010 @ 6:56 pm

well my two oldest daughters hate me and i did not realize how much this goes on. so i am in class and have not been able to study for this whole week. they have decided it has been up and down up and down this week, they ganged up on me and just did everything they could to hurt me. L.

Comment by Luise

June 27, 2010 @ 3:16 pm

Come over to my Web-forum http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com for further support.

Comment by C.

July 5, 2010 @ 7:11 pm

It’s very sad to see so many “moms” here and hurting. I’m 54-yrs-old and took care of my mother and sole provider for, what used to be my two children, 38 and 35 now. They HATE me and tell me at every chance. I do not get to talk to my little angel, Zoe’ my 7-yr-old granddaughter. My mother and grandmother died not long ago and my two kids were the only family I had left. HOW DO YOU LEARN TO LIVE..or exist..IN THIS PAIN? C

Comment by Luise

July 8, 2010 @ 10:48 am

Please come over to my Web-forum: http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com You will find support there. Blessings, Luise

Comment by A.

July 17, 2010 @ 9:59 pm

I’m so glad i found this site. i thought i was unique. i’m by no means gleeful that you r hurting just that i do not feel so alone. A.

Comment by Luise

July 19, 2010 @ 11:24 am

Please come over to my Web-forum: http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com and you will feel even less alone. Blessings, Luise

Comment by B.

August 10, 2010 @ 2:42 pm

I have been searching for a site like this one to vent my frustrations and hurting over my Son, who is now 46, and decided to tell us off once and for all! My Husband and I are in our late 60′s and have a grown Son (mentioned) and a grown Daughter. Our Daughter is really upset with her Brother, and can’t imagine why he waited until we were older to do this. He told us when he came down to visit us for his vacation (with his Wife and our Grandson) that he didn’t have any real feelings about the house he grew up most of his teen years. It recently burned down, and when I told him of this, that is when he shocked usw with his response. We always thought we gave our children many pleasant memories in that home, and my Daughter thought we did. She, however, did remember all the rotten things her Brother did as a child and teen, and thought he was just guilty and couldn’t bring himself to remember anything good about his childhood! This has hurt me so deeply. My husband (his Father) was so deeply hurt and disgusted with him, that he told him not to call or write us again. This was after my Son told us he wanted some coins he thought we had from his Grandfather, and asked for them, or he would take “legal action” against us! After that, things deteriorated rather quickly, until now we have disowned him, and will change our will to exclude him. This is such a drastic step, and my heart aches from making this decision, but my Husband feels we must break the ties completley in order to survive. My Husband is glad it is done with, but I will always feel the pain. We both feel we did the best we could as Parents to give our Children what they needed to become well-rounded Adults, and they always knew how much they were loved. How could a Child of mine turn so fast against his Parents? We always taught them both to respect others. I need closure to this, but my mind will not let go. B.

Comment by Luise

August 11, 2010 @ 9:12 am

Please come over to my Web-forum: http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com . I think a discussion there about this might help.

Comment by V.

August 14, 2010 @ 8:49 pm

I never in my wildest dreams expected my only child and daughter to turn against me. And, how many women go through this. Why, I ask myself? This last 2 years I have been there for my daughter while she was pregnant and even went to where she lived every other weekend to babysit. I bought all of my granddaughter’s clothes and furniture. Bought groceries, paid bills, etc. Now that they are back here, 2 miles from where I live I am kicked to the curb. I haven’t seen my graddaughter in 3 months. But, I have learned to survive and be free. It still hurts at times, but I would rather live without the hate and critisism. I am free to be myself again. I am happy. Keep busy and remember that you were a whole person before children and you can be whole again. V.

Comment by Luise

August 16, 2010 @ 8:02 am

I often use that last sentence in my work here. Good for you! Please come over to my Web-forum at:
http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com I think you would fit right in. Blessings, Luise

Comment by B.

August 18, 2010 @ 6:54 pm

I have not heard from my youngest son in about 3 years.
what can I do to locate him? He is in the military. B.

Comment by Luise

August 18, 2010 @ 9:19 pm

Please post this question on my Web-forum: http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com. I think someone there mayl be able to point you in the right direction. Blessings, Luise

Comment by S.

August 19, 2010 @ 9:03 pm

Wow. I can’t believe all this pain. What has become of our children. Why is it some turn so against their parents. My daughter hates me and does not communicate with me. She lives somewhere in the next town, not sure where or with who. She recently discovered she is unable to bear children and blames me. Said she was supposed to get an ultrasound and I never took her. The doctor never mentioned it to me. The only thing she mentioned to me in the last year she was in my house was a phantom itching all over and not being able to sleep. I took her to the doctor numerous times for that and the doctor was doing several blood tests and not able to find anything. I think it was drugs – I found several pills in her room which were not prescribed for her. That caused a huge fight. It is agony now because my son does not talk to me either. I thought he was just done with family. He is in the Army. When he graduated from basic he would not give me his address. I know which base he is at, just not how to reach him. He got a new cell phone, posted a number on myspace and it does not work! It is obvious from his postings that he speaks to his father, step-mother and sister, but not me. He has ignored my e-mail. I just don’t get it. I never thought I would be in this position. My daughter at one time said she just did not know what she would do without her mother, now she acts like I don’t exist. I need a sounding board. My boyfriend tells me that it is them and not me. He wants me to be happy with just him. I can’t. My life feels like it is in limbo and I need direction! S.

Comment by Luise

August 21, 2010 @ 9:07 pm

Please come over to my Web-forum: http://www.WiseWomenUnite,com . It is for those of us who have isues with out adult children. Blessings, Luise

Comment by D.

August 26, 2010 @ 12:24 pm

I just came across this website, of course because i was looking..I have some related issues but more so i have been wondering ??? Why does this happen to so many..
Why do our children get to a certain age and start to feel so differently about us.. I am starting to see those common subtle signs of change with my own children.. A phone call or visit out of obligation, always gotta go, in a rush, so busy, plans with their siblings and… and I’m not included anymore. Only see them when i intiate a dinner nite at my house. More and more negative comments about how I act, what I say and when I talk about anything, anything at all, I am always wrong or take things to personally etc.. It has become exhausting and no longer any fun to be together.. I have actually become uncomfortable and insecure around my own children.. It’s like we allow them to switch the roles… The other day my youngest daughter 26–whom has been my shadow since birth— said to me… while I was writing some notes.. “You know people don’t use cursive anymore.. I even think if you were in school and handed something like that into a teacher they would give it back and tell you that it was unacceptable.. I was floored by that comment..like anything that says who I am is unacceptable and almost shameful. That comment and many other subtle jestures and comments have really taken a toll on the way I feel about her.. I do see this a a very common factor in the beginning of the unraveling of the parent child relationship. I believe the signs start very early on and we brush them off until it gets to the point of most of the people here and then it is almost to late to rectify. Just my take on this epidemic. D.

Comment by Luise

August 27, 2010 @ 8:25 pm

I started a Web-forum for people having trouble with their adult children or extended families because it is becoming such a serious, social issue. Come on over. http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com Blessings, Luise

Comment by A.

August 30, 2010 @ 10:26 pm

My 31 year old son and my 32 year old daugther hate me. I’m brohen hearted. I cry every night and pray.Reading all these anecdotes has made me feel that I’m not the only one. My daugther tells me that I can see my precious grandaugther with supervision because I do not know how to take care of her,,,she’s four and a good little girl,,,how difficult could it be? It’s been a month I haven’t seen her, My daugther only is nice to me when she needs money. My son is in the states , he abandoned his son who is 10 and the love of my life. I pay child support. A year ago he called and asked for money, when I said No he called me terrible things , days later I received a letter insulting me and expressing how much he hated me . I cried for days. But the suffering has to stop. We as mothers of MONSTERS have to let go and not buy or beg for love. If we know within our hearts that we raise them right, that we gave them love, then they should be the guilty ones . My plan is to start thinking of me. I’m single and I live with my elderly mother. I have to think of her. Jesus is watching over us , He knows our suffering, He is in control. I surrender. If my children don’t love me, tha’s their choice, deep in their hearts they know they’re wrong, I’ll leave it to their consience…if they have one.One day their own children will treat them terribly, someday their children will do the same…and they’ll cry and remember,,,and it might be too late to say “I’m sorry, mom.” A.

Comment by Luise

September 2, 2010 @ 8:15 am

You might want to come over to my Web-forum for women with extended families: http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com