Question: Dear: Luise: My husband and I married very young we have two kids. We have been married for 8yrs now. We have had our ups and downs and have been all around with one another like most marriages. We have just bought a house. We have not had a perfect marriage like my Sister in Law. We had a small wedding but I have loved ever second of it from the moment I said I do. To day I watched his Sister’s baby and he is such a good baby I love him with all of my hart and so does he. He looked at me and said she has ever thing perfect, life ever since she was a little kid, cheerleader, collage, perfect wedding, house, boat, job her husbands owns a business and they are going to be making millions not kidding when I say that, cars, perfect get a ways, their kid is a really good kid. As for my husband he has had done drugs when he was a teenager (does not now) we had a lot of ruff times. I would not trade it for the world. Then I asked so do you regret marrying me? He said no but I wish I had done a lot of things different. Then I said well I don’t think you would have married me and he did not respond he just left. I have not said any thing to him I feel so lost and hopeless and don’t know what to do? I hope I am not taking your time but if you have a chance please tell me what to do? Y.
Answer: Dear Y.: I think we all had some pretty unrealistic expectations regarding marriage and the younger we were, the farther off the mark we probably were.
My son, who is happily married, says that marriage can be compared to a business…with partners, assets and liabilities and a product. He doesn’t deny that love is at the base…but he feels it’s a great deal more complicated than that. I think he may have something there.
I have often heard the saying, “Don’t give an ultimatum unless you are ready to deal with the consequences.” And what is also true is, “Don’t ask a questions if you aren’t prepared to accept the answers.”
Regarding your sister in law, we never know what another person’s life is all about or what the future holds for them. It’s always “apples and oranges” because we can’t see the big picture.
Talk to your guy. Find out what’s working for him in your marriage and what isn’t. See what can be changed. And back away from questions that are probably being asked for reassurance and are producing the opposite effect. Tell him instead, that you want to get past this and you’re sorry for putting him on the spot.
Most of us would change some things if we could go back; that’s just 20/20 hindsight but “what ifs” are useless and are often destructive. Your husband married you happily from his “then” perspective. However, “now” is where you are and “then” has become unreal and unreliable. It’s not where we fix things. Blessings. Luise