Question: Dear Luise: I have been with my husband for 22 yrs., married for 17 of them. I have three kids 15, 12, and 11. I have separated with my husband because of his controlling, emotionally abusive and often “Bi-polar-like” behavior; also he has tantrums that scare not only the kids but myself as well. I have tried to work things out with him but he never admits he is responsible for his behavior, it’s always someone else’s fault. I asked him last week to get counseling and he refused. The only thing he would agree to is to see our family Dr. I have little faith that he will even tell him the truth about what’s going on between us. Yesterday I found out that he’s been calling people and telling them that the reason we’re separated is because I’ve charged up all of the credit cards, well that not even possible because he’s so controlling that he would never let me have one. He fools everyone; they think he’s wonderful but he has a different face for each person he knows and unfortunately the one for us at home is not one of the nice ones. Will he ever just let us be or will he go down like a sinking ship and try to take us all with him? I think I answered my own question. M.
Answer: Dear M.: Unfortunately, I think you did just answer your own question.
No matter how you separate yourself from your children’s father, he will still have that title and be part of their lives . Through them, you will necessarily have to stay connected to some degree, even after they are grown and married with kids of their own.
Certainly improvements can be made by not having them with him continually…because you know better than anyone else that what you have described is a variety of abuse.
My heart goes out to you. Blessings, Luise