I’m 31 and my Mother Wants to Control Me

Question: Dear Louise: My mother wants to control me!  I left my husband over 1 month ago and have since met someone new.  He is so good to me and he has helped me to see that I can do better and that I deserve better in my life. My mother calls me every day to tell me how crazy I am for having an affair on my ex.  She is constantly telling me that I am sinning and that this relationship will amount to nothing.  I am getting tired of hearing this day in and day out!  I am 31 years old and allowed to make my own decisions.  I know that I want out of my marriage, I just don’t have the money to get a divorce yet, I am saving up for it and should be filing soon.  My husband and I have been married for 10 years, and we have separated at least 4 times and then got back together.  Every time we get back together he promises to change, but then it ends up in screaming and yelling and fighting.  I am over it and ready to leave because there is no hope in saving it.  My mother doesn’t understand.  I know that I am having an affair. But it is my business.  I told her she needs to cut the apron strings and let me go.  She called my cell phone 3 times the other day because she couldn’t find me.  I was with new boyfriend.  She left 3 voicemails that said “if you don’t call me within 5 minutes I am sending the state police to find you!”  She also called his work and demanded that they give her his home #.  He got in trouble over that and his job is at stake.  How can I get her to realize that she needs to stop?  My sister in law has tried to tell her. She said, “your daughter is old enough to make her own choices, it doesn’t matter what you think, she is going to do this weather you like it or not, you are just pushing her farther away from you.” Sorry this is so long!  Any advice would be appreciated. J.

Answer: Dear J. I doubt that your mother is remotely interested in what your SIL has to say. And I also doubt that you can get her to realize anything. It sounds like she sees the world the way she sees it and that’s that. It’s a very simple premise, everyone else is wrong. It looks to me like you are going to have to be the person who takes action. Your mother is how she is. Logic has nothing to do with any of it.

It may be too late to save your new friendship but from now on, I would never tell her anything. Don’t tell her where you’re going or who with or why. She’s not your best friend. Actually, she’s probably not your friend at all. She sounds obsessed. For some reason that no one except your mother can understand, you are still “her little girl.”

It’s going to be a very costly lesson if you lose the guy you are interested in and he loses his job. Look at that. Threatening to call the Police because you didn’t answer your cell? Calling his boss? That’s nuts. Get a new cell phone and don’t give her the number. If you can’t find any privacy living near her, I would head for the hills…seriously…and continue to love her from a distance. Blessings, Luise

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