Question: Dear Luise: My eldest son has just moved out to be with his Dad. He absolutely detests me saying that he wishes I was dead, ‘m evil, he hates my guts! He moans about my clothes, about the dinners I give him, doesn’t want me going out, talking to his friends, saying constantly that I am an embarrassment. Me and his dad are obviously not together and life did turn upside down when we split – please can you give me some advice. I am desperate and don’t know what to do? He is only 15? S.
Answer: Dear S. None of us can give our children a perfect home with perfect parents. We would like to and most of us give it a try but we find we have no wings.
As far as I know, there is nothing you can do to turn your son around at this time. He may become wiser as he becomes older and he may eventually realize that he is using you as a scapegoat.
Fifteen is a hard time…adulthood looms and the free ride of childhood looks like it won’t last forever, after all. Many boys become intimidated by what might be expected of them in the years to come and feel inadequate. A great cure for that is blame. Find someone to blame it on and all is again right with the world.
He can probably get along with his dad pretty well, if they both agree about you.
Wait. It’s all smoke and mirrors and we can hope that blaming you won’t hold up in the long run, as a viable explanation. In the meantime, treat yourself will deep respect and know that you are not alone with this. Many of us, myself included, have had to endure the really awful contempt of a teenage son. Blessings, Luise
My son is 22 years old and to make a long story short. I left him with his father when he was 1 1/2 years old. However, I was never really out of his life. I was at his grandmother’s house every other day. I brought him to my home on weekends. My son even came back to live with me when he was 9 years old. I had him involved in all kinds of sports activities, but my only demand was that he keep his grades up or at least try and when I found that he couldn’t I took him to a tutoring program which he refused to attend. I took him out of special Ed because he didn’t want to be in their with the other disable children. The school said that it was only because of his reading level that he was in Special Ed. I got him a reading course and myself and oldest daughter tutored him at home, but the older he got the more rebellious he got towards me. His father was in and out of jail 11 years of his life and is currently still on drugs. Although, I left him with his father, his grandmother, myself and other family members raised my son. But, to this day my son resents me. I think it’s partly because my girls had it so much better but I never favored any of my children, it’s just the way it was. All my children have different fathers. My son said to my at around age 11…Why couldn’t all of them have the same father…then he called me a hypercrite because he heard someone else in the family say it. I really didn’t understand, why my son has a tendency to listen to other people when he was living with me and he has nothing to grip about legitimately. Today as I write this email I’m sending my son pictures of him and myself along with his sisters for over the past 20 years. I just want him to remember that I was there. I just don’t understand why he won’t talk to me or what it is that I have done so bad for him not to want me around him. He currently lives with his grandmother. B.
Good for you for not giving up. I know kids can get confused and resentful when a family has numerous people playing the parental role. However, you never know when he might respond to your love and realize that it is genuine.
My 14 year old son wants nothing to do with me.
I have filed for divorce from his father. I was a stay at home mother for almost 10 years and as our 2 children got old enough, it was time for me to work It was not long after and my world began to crumble. I have been accused of everything from doing drugs to having affairs by my spouse. The emotional abuse has bee more that I can bear…and to add to it all…I am the victim of severe parental alienation from my son by his father. He wants no relationship with me at all…ignores my every word..and is terribly angry. We have tried 2 counselors, and he refuses to speak to me. If I’m told one more time that “he will come around someday” or to be patient…I’m going to bust. What can I do? M.
I had a similar experience many years ago. The marriage failed when I left home and went to work. When I was under everyone’s thumb and almost invisible, we were OK…but there was not room for me to be anything else. As far as I know, there is nothing you can do. You’re to blame for everything in your son’s eyes. So was I. Sometimes they come around and sometimes they don’t. My son never forgave me. He tried but he had built up too big a case against me. We had an “armed-truce” and did the best we could. He died of sleep apnea when he was 52 and we were still walking on egg shells. What a sad and totally unnecessary way to live…just to keep “bring right” in place.
My son is 19. I am a single mom. I have custody of my 2 year old grandson. My 19 son got his GED, and drivers license. He promised he’d enroll in college. A week after he got his license, I let him use the car. He got pulled over and arrested DUI. He now has been order to do counceling, community service, and a coronor program. He won’t go look for a job. He has his friends in and out of our house like it is a flop house. I finally told them no one is allowed her after ten. I have a job and the baby, and I just don’t want them in my home, at all. I want him to get his life together. Now he has a girl living in his bedroom he has been dating for like a month. I know he loves me, but when I get tough with him he says he hates me. I don’t want these kids around, I want him to finish his dui program, and I want him to get a job and a trade: college. What do I do? L.
I would see a lawyer regarding my son’s decision to remain a dependent child on a permanent basis and run my home however he wishes. He’s pretty much taken it over. I would also talk with someone in law enforcement and in the programs he is resisting. It is is your home. If you want the girl and the rest of his friends out of there, you may have to take some drastic steps. I honestly don’t know what they might be. Blessings, Luise
Thank you. I really like your advise. It is not like he is 12 and has an occasional friend over. His friends are also using him. I told him today I don’t want any of them over any longer. And the girl needs to leave. If he doesn’t listen, I will consider your suggestions. I am sick of it. L.
I’m so glad I came across this website. I also have a son who hates me. He is 19 and has an intellectual disability and OCD. He met a girl with much worse problems than he has and the girls mother brought him to Centrelink to sign forms to claim a carers pension and basically abducted my son for financial gain. He lives with them and have called the police if I even try to speak with him, changed his phone number and is uncontactable by email. They have turned him against his family and he has totally cut us out of his life.
I have only ever tried to do the best for him and as he’s the only boy in the family and with a disability, he’s always been treated like the golden child. I have been a single parent most of his life and this all happened around the same time as both my parents deaths. Will it get any better? Or will my heart remain broken for the rest of my life? M.
Dear R. Please come over to my Web-forum: http://www.wisewomenunite.com where I think you will find wisdom and support. My take is that it will get better for you even though it may not change. Your son may be happy in his new life. That’s at least possible. It’s not much to hang on to but it’s something. I don’t know what your legal rights are but I would be cautious, if there’s any chance that this is what he thinks he wants. It may be as close as he can get to growing up and leaving home and the girl may matter to him. If this happened to me, I would seek the advice of an attorney and also the professional people you have interacted with as you raised him. Blessings, Luise
My son is 15, he hates me, he calls me vile names He says he wants me and his sister dead and we’d better watch our backs. He sets fires, steals, vandalizes my home. I’m so afraid it would almost be better to be dead. Ive tried everything, drs, meds police…here do i go now? K.
Please bring this issue over to my Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com Blessings, Luise
My son is 15. His mother and I have been divorced for some 9 years. His mother hates me. Forever this boy has been this “I Know” “I know” kid and now that he is 15….. Well my trouble has been since the divorce that ever time I get him excited to fall in love with something (practice) and be good at something, He goes to his Mom’s an stuffs it in the corner. I’m sure for many reasons. Having a proper co-parent relationship with the Mom would be an obvious solution but she will not have it and with no co-parent guiding the child in a structure way the other 50% of the time, he is going no where. So after 9 years of trying to get my son in love with Baseball, Golf, Art, Soccer, Music, etc….he is the master of nothing but blame. Now at 15 his confidence is not. I’ve told the boy for 8 years now every other day to do push ups and chin ups and he says, I know. He is a skinny boy that needed the last 8 years of push ups. If he would have just done that, i feel he would be physically developed and confident to try things.
I just don’t know what to do or say to this kid. I trusted him from 13-15 and gave him all the rope he needed to find his way and not push so hard but since his recently screw up it was proof that the last couple years I trusted him, he had been stealing and lying.
Our community is very competitive and his chances of achieving his dream of being on the Soccer Team is very slim when he doesn’t practice, or excersize as much as the other kids and is afraid of the ball. He hasnt been involved in any school clubs or school activities at all in middle school as well.
Now he is grounded and has no Computer, Phone, TV, Games privilages at all in my house and I believe that is the same at his Moms.
We found him drunk and high about 2 weeks ago and his Mom and I have him on double lock down. He is still not listening. I would think the boy would come in and say, I want to be good, what do I have to do to not be grounded at least after a couple of weeks. Still no change in this boy after being busted for being loaded. His grades are good and always have been. Maybe because I told him years ago his job was to kick ass in school. I think this because when I grind on him sometimes he says, You said my job was to do good in school and school is my job.
My reply has been your grades are just part of school. Clubs, teams and school involvement are big factors on doing good in school. He is caught up in being popular and cool and clubs are not cool with his friends.
I need advise. This is my first time parenting a 15 yr old and I wasn’t a very good 15 year old. I might have been a stoner, drunk, cig smoker (pack a day kid at 13 to 38. now I’m 46 and quit on his 9th birthday when I asked him what he wanted for his birthday and he said, for you to quit smoking daddy) but I was in love with Baseball and I practiced and that is what I remember gave me the confidence to get me over the hump in High School. I was a really good ball player and I played Varsity ever year in High School. With out Baseball, I couldn’t even imagine where I’d be today. Help! R.
I wish I had the answer. It is so hard to motivate and supervise some teenagers and others seem to sail through the troubled waters. All you can do (that I know of) is to let him know that you love him and have thought that what worked for you would work for him. It can be a long tough haul to try to help someone who is unresponsive. I know but please don’t give up. My sons were both major screw-ups and they both grew into fine men. Blessings, Luise
I am the step mom to a 13 yr old boy who hates his mother. My step son and I have a great relationship. He recently moved in with his father and I. he doesn’t want to talk to his mom or even see her but we make him go every other weekend to visit. I feel like i’m forcing him and cant figure out what the right thing is to do. I really need some advice, how can I help him have the relationship I.have with him for him and his mom? W.
There’s nothing you can do that I know of. He has formed his own opinion over the last 13 years, right or wrong. You can only try to teach him tolerance. Even respect can’t be taught, to my way of thinking, it has to be earned.
Hi W. You are in a difficult place and it is lovely to hear that you wish to help improve the relationship he has with his mother. My situation sounds similar except that I am the mother.
My 14-yr-old son has just (today) stormed out to move in with his father and stepmother. He (usually a wonderful kindhearted boy) had been acting strange and secretive. I worried that he was in some sort of trouble and I made the mistake of snooping on his computer – something I had previously avoided doing. What I found confirmed that I had very good reason to worry. However, I now think I could have handled this without snooping or at least without letting him know I snooped – I didn’t need concrete proof for my feeling that something wasn’t right and I could have handled it without knowing the specifics. My son now hates me, I feel awful and there is less chance of the thing I was worried about getting addressed properly. B.
Can anyone help me? I had a wonderful relationship with my 12 year old son. We were extremely close and open with a trusting relationship. His father is psychologically abusive to me and has long threatened to “take away” my son. Suddenly within the past week, like day to night, my son has begun hating me. He has said he wants me to move out of the house or he and his father will leave me, that he hates me, he has parroted his father’s insults, thrown things at me and refuses to speak to me. I realize it is necessary to leave his father but it is difficult because I also have a severely disabled younger child and am nearly indigent. My heart is broken. I cannot understand how I could lose the love of my dear, dear child. I have never once inflicted any sort of harm on him and truly believe I have been a very good and loving mother. I do not know where to turn for help. I’m not sure how I can cope with such a loss. Thank you for any suggestions. W.M.
Please come over to my Web-forum that focuses on these issues: http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com Blessings, Luise
all you dumb moms/dads should look at yourself b4 you bash your kid/teen. S.
Good thinking.
My son just turned 14 and at one point, came home from a visitation with dad with visible marks on his ams. He said his father hurt him by pulling him accross the carpet in a fit of rage and that he never wanted to go back to his house. I told my son that he can’t just stop seeing his father, we have a court order that requires parenting time. My son was adament that he was afraid and so I called the cops, filed a report, they took pictures and we went to CPS for an interview in which they took my son into a room alone to tell his story. Long story short, CPS “lost” the pictures, didn’t want to see the pictures I took myself and said the claim was unsubstanciated. So, thousands of dollars later I am being lectured by a judge that I am to enforce his fathers parenting time. So, I do.
Almost as soon as he began seeing his father again, his father stopped paying his child support. I lost my job of 6 years shortly after and begged him to pay. But he kept quitting jobs when incoming withholding kicked in making me more an more financially stressed. Now, he wants my son to come live with him and has told my son that when he turned 14 he got to decide. (not entirely true, custody is decided by a judge not a child)
My son has been increasingly disrespectful to me, refusing to do as asked, not going to his room but instead blocking doorways that I am trying to go through, yelling at me in my face. He has even thrown a shoe and hit me in the head, kicked me in the gut multiple times, and slapped me upside my head. There have been consequences, loss of video games, cell phone, internet, and yes… physical consequences also. Since I can’t spank him, he wrestles with me when I try. I have pinned him down on the ground, held his arms, and a few times I have even resorted to popping him on the mouth.
Obviously, things are bad… really bad. And he keeps saying how awful of a mom I am and that he hates me. Dad doesn’t help, he sides with our child. I also have a 4 year old in the house and she is scared when the confrontations go on. So, I sent him to his dads. Now dad refuses to let me speak to him or send him for parenting time… even though custody has not yet been modified by the courts. He just tells me that our son doesn’t want to talk to me or see me, and he isn’t going to force him. Yet not 6 months ago he told a judge that I should force our son to speak to him and go on visits.
Should I persue the visits and phone calls, or just let my son figure out for himself that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side? I feel like all of this is an attempt to further avoid child support and the arrearages, as well as punish me. I don’t want to continue living with my son as it has become unhealthy for us both and my daughter. Did I do the right thing… should I just let him alone for a while? S.
Come over my Web-forum http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com I think you will get support there on how to deal with or live through this. Blessings, Luise
I have been divorced for 10 years, have a 14 year old son and his dad has been putting things in his head against me all these years. Dad took me to court 3 years ago to modify parent child relationship- wanted my son to live with him. After a social study it the judge decided that it was in the best interest of my child to be with me. His dad has continued to mess with is mind and I feel that my son tries to fight his dad’s battles with me. My son has a lot of resentment and anger towards me. I feel that my son hates me, especially because I demand good grades, chores, etc.
Yesterday he went with his dad and was supposed to come home in the afternoon and didn’t and would not answer my calls or texts. My son is grounded here with me for some things related to his grades in this past report card, he has chores and is expected to do them so it is so much more appealing to him to stay with dad where he can run around lose. Police is saying that they can’t force my son to come home, and dad (who owes 30,000.00 in child support) is not encouraging him to do so either, but since he is not the one directly interfering with the visitiation order he as been led to believe that he is not breaking the law. What can I do? Where do I go to get the order enforced and my son back? D.
You need to see a good attorney ASAP.
i was homeless and allowed my 10 yr old son to stay with a woman i thought to be a freind. this woman brainwashed my son to think of me as a bad mother so she could gain custody of my son for his ssa benefits in the amount of 1,100,00 a month. this woman called CPS and had my son tell all these bad things about me that were lies. i wasn’t able to regain custody in the 18 months the county gives parents for reunafaction. my son is 16 now and lives in ohio i live in california i went to visit him 3 weeks ago and he was so angry at me he told me he don’t want nothing to do with me he was yelling at me over the phone every day i was there. my sons guardian has let my son move out of her house not ever checking who he is living with. my son said he was tired of me walking in and out of his life and i told him he pushed me out of his life when he got cps involved in our lives, he admits he did this to me but he belives what that other woman told him about me. i came home heartbroken i hurt so bad for my son but he told me over and over to leave him alone. P.
All we can do is our best and often we can’t convince others that we care when they are brainwashed into believing otherwise. He has made his choice and even though he is still underage, I don’t see how you can do anything but accept that and go on loving him in your heart. You gave him life. There is no greater gift.
Our son is almost 20. He is in the last week of freshman year. Since going to college, about 1 hour away, he refuses to come home. When he was home for Christmas break he spent most of the time away. He is a bright, personable boy whom everyone adores. But, he acts as if his dad and i are the enemy, especially me. He says he doesn’t call home because he just isn’t like that, he doesn’t feel the need to stay in touch. We are the sole source of his spending money and college tuition save his housing costs. We expect him to do well in school, we don’t bug him about much of anything but his resentment of us is palatable. Is anyone else in this situation with a child this old? K.
We have almost identical stories except our son hates school and is working in construction. In the last month he moved away, wont tell us where he lives and stopped asking for money. It hurts more than my words can express but I know that I cant make his choices. We pray for him and hope that one day he will be able to give and receive love. We have made all of our decisions from love and it’s hard to understand why he hates us so much. S.
I have a Web-forum that deals with similar issues: http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com Come on over.
to 1 mother with 15 year old boy ok soo…. i know this is off topic but i was in same position thu but i was 13 you know this may never end and it may burn out the anger that is ( that’s the worst case scenario if thats happen he won’t feel anything for you literally will become an empty space and the odds of turning back to normals are very low but BUt it can pass) and laste the 3 case scenario is it’s slowly may come back to normal -___- wery slow that is for me it was licke um 6 or 7 years i’m not sure (some time rage and harte pane come back …still) He the boy fillse that you think that you betrayed him and his father and his reaction it’s bad but we all are human you know, what did you expect no 1 will help you no dock no psychologist best way for you be honest tell him how you fill what happen between you and your husband if you’re lucky it may end this week if not the trauma is deeper than that and will take some time to heal (if it was for too long it well becom the abyss and that too late for help )
( and something more if you gonna marry now then you gonna lose him{thats what was in my case that was howe i felt}) P.S. i’m 21 now and i help because i was the same boy i was hurt and i hurt others and hate it now soo i whant to help the boy -_- i know its trite but ther you have it sorry for off topic. L.
Hi, I was reading the comment number 7149 and 7695 and I was wondering if i could contact these ladies to see if things have improved for them because I am going through a similar situation and I would like to know if things are getting any better for them and how they cope with it ,thank you. A.
A. I can’t release that information but please come over to my Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com. You can interact with others there.
Might I add a whopping big sigh of relief for having found other Moms who have fallen victim to this generation of ungrateful teenage youth? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! oops! “it fair! I still feel like I just threw away literally the past 19 years of my life on two living, breathing 5 ft 11 and 6 ft tall Beavis & Buttheads, Children of the Corn!
I suppose life isn’t yet overt age 41. And with my youngest Kornholio still living at home, age 17.. you never know, the kid could wake up tomorrow and pull his head out of his bunghole just yet? But seriously speaking….Im was just wondering why, aside from my lifelong affinity for small, helpless, chubby, mostly furry creatures such as PUPPIES! AGE! I’m going to let this sad indignance plaguing my heart, along with the rest of your own situations for God to work out for us..because there’s only so much good a person can do in this life and it be punished in return rather than rewarded or at the very least APPRECIATED!
P.S. I know I grew out of my teenage Momhater phase immediately following high school, but Mom is a tough, Russian-Jewish Mom from the depression and the old country so she has spent the past 20+ years getting back at me with her iron cold shoulder-Vey!A.
Hi Luise,
I have an interesting problem. I am raising my adopted son(15) alone. I Married his mother when he was only 3 and ultimatedly adopted him. Things were fine unitl she had a surgery go bad in 2003 and was never the same after that. She became addicted to various meds and lost her mind in the process. The kid’s seen a lot of crazy things, including her die at home from an overdose (I was there doing cpr) 3 yrs ago. He’s changed. Badly. He’s been arrested 3 times, has done 3 tours in juvy jail totaling 6 months. Is so far behind in high school I’m afraid he’ll never graduate, and I don’t think he even cares to. He’s gotten himself tattood from knuckles to ears on both arms, smokes dope, sells dope, and I’ve caught him trying to buy a gun twice. As far as respect for me, there is none anymore. He’s very rude, manipulative, steals a lot, lie’s constantly and just doesn’t give a care in the world. He’s been to different counselors and all he does is fight with them. My wife and I had a daughter together who is now 9, and she’s a wonderful kid. He threatons her, has held a knife in her stomach, and just doesn’t care how he treats her. He’s even meen to our dog (kicking her, throwing punches at her). I’ve tried everyting I can think of but he’s told me that he doesn’t see me as his dad and doesn’t think he should have to live by my rules. I’ve had enough; though I don’t want to give up on him I think it’s time to send him to live with her parents, at least he sees some blood there. Any adivce or help would be greatly apprecaited. J.
J. You have seen, talked to and worked with people who are much more qualified to help you through this than I am. I have no professional background…just horse sense. That said, my take is that you and your daughter need to move on and not let your stepson make victims of either of you. Beyond that, it sounds like your little girl may be in real danger. Nothing positive seems to be coming from your presnt approach to suggest you continue it and I don’t know of anything you haven’t tried. I’m so sorry. You deserve so much better than this. Blessings, Luise