I’m Almost Relieved to Have Him Gone
Question: Dear Luise: My son and I have always been involved in a lot of turmoil with regard to his father – he drank and beat me – we left when he was little (2.) I went to school, (graduated from college with honors,) worked and raised him by myself – no help from anyone, including the state. Almost five years ago, I remarried – son was 11 – 16 now, hates my husband – (hubby used to drink, do drugs, and wasn’t very nice to me.) now marriage mostly good. Son has gone from honorary to hoodlum – does drugs, steals, flunking out of school, violent with me and everyone else, (fist fighting with hubby,) lies, cheating, been arrested. I finally gave up and sent back to bio dad. Son hates me – what to do? Feel immense amounts of guilt. Almost relieved. M.
Answer: Dear M.: You may have done all you could do. Certainly you did your best. That’s never perfect because we aren’t. We’re human.
At 16, your son is probably reacting to his perceptions of his childhood as well as the challenges of soon becoming an adult. If his behavior has taken him into such dangerous territory, it may be an improvement for him to start anew with his biological father. Who knows? Parents have no crystal balls, unfortunately.
You feel guilty because that’s pretty normal for most of us. You were alone and you must have been gone a lot to earn your college degree and to work to provide for both of you. Those were circumstances beyond your control but children seldom understand that. Your second marriage brought more stress at first and that had to be experienced negatively by both of you.
Your son probably wanted perfection, as unrealistic as that may seem, and also probably holds you responsible for much that you couldn’t help and/or wasn’t your fault.
What you can do is to keep your mind and heart open for him to turn a corner. Many do. Blessings, Luise
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