Question: Dear Luise: My son has been married a year and a half. We were excited for him and his new wife. Everything was fine for a while. DIL got pregnant and began withdrawing from me. She didn’t come to Christmas with our family nor to a family dinner in honor of she and my son for the baby. She used to call me frequently, now it’s never and she never answers when I phone them. I know she is very insecure and doesn’t have any close friends but I never offered opinions and we didn’t intrude on their privacy. So I really don’t know what happened. I have asked my son what the problem is and he says he doesn’t know! Then I heard from some friends she was saying bad things about me. I asked again. My son didn’t want me to talk with my DIL because she was pregnant and he didn’t want her upset. So I let it go. Well, my granddaughter was born this week. What should have been a wonderful day was horrible for my family. My DIL’s family controlled everything (16 people at hospital.) Her family was rude, not speaking to me. My husband, myself and my MIL got to see our granddaughter for 3 minutes (which was wonderful). My DIL wouldn’t even look at me and responded to my questions bluntly. I visited the next day and the result was the same. My son acted nervous while we were there. Her mother was there running the show and telling her daughter how to do everything. My husband and I talked with my son. It got pretty messy. We love them both, but don’t know how to handle this. I am very hurt because we wanted to respect their time at home as a new family (which my son indicated they wanted), but her family has been there every day. It seems as if my DIL has decided to cut us out of their lives and keep us from our granddaughter, for very selfish reasons. My son is in the middle and doesn’t know what to do. I feel for him, but he is allowing it, which makes me upset with him. This should be a happy time for all but it has been stressful for my husband and myself. I’ve sent them cards both during the pregnancy and since the birth offering love and support for them and their new baby. Am at a loss…I have prayed for answers but really need an outside opinion. I hope you can offer advice and suggestions. Many thanks, B.
Answer: Dear B.: Your son can’t cope with divided loyalties. I’m sure when he married, he never anticipated that he would need to but his wife has declared war. Why doesn’t really matter, does it? I’m sure it makes sense to her but that isn’t going to help. She’s opting to have only one extended family, probably because she feels more comfortable there…and they are obviously supporting her choice. They could have stopped her in her tracks. How sad that they didn’t.
Confronting your son isn’t going to change anything. He has chosen a life-partner and they have started a family. He has set his course. If she wants him to walk away from his roots, he probably will. You have no idea what kind of pressure she is putting him under but it is probably intense. Also, if may be direct or it may be consciously or unconsciously manipulative. No matter…she’s running things and it’s pretty clear that your son has accepted that, for whatever reason.
To even stay connected is going to require a lot of patience. All you can do is back off and wait…and hope. He may choose to see you independently or he may not but pressure isn’t going to help. To the contrary, it probably plays right into her hand. After a bit, if you do get a chance to talk with him, let him know that you understand that he is adjusting to a lot of changes and that you are there for him and would like to be part of his life in any way that would work for him. It’s your only option. Blessings, Luise
I have been through hell ….with the new daughter in law….they have been married for 7 years…she has never let me be her friend…she keeps my son from seeing me…I NEVER interfere!..i wouldnt do that.
I dont try to come between them either….ive tried to just ignore and dont see them..but its my first born son..HE was married before to a great lady…..i miss her!…she was nice to me.
and HE was nice to me then too
NOW its all changed…with the new one……HE IS MY SON>…..and NO I dont cause trouble for anyone…IM a very nice lady…and im telling you….SOME DAUGHTER IN LAWS>..are bad people….they will destroy yours sons love for you…THIS ONE wants him to only help her relatives..NEVER HIS!…he has been helping all her family now for 7 years…when any of us need anything….WE ARE going to get any help..she makes sure of it……SHE has total control of this..and its tore our whole family apart now…NONE of us are liked by her…..AND WE are very nice people…!!…we all have tried to be her friend..but she wont allow it..CAUSE it would mean THAT my son might help us….and also….I AM 62…and i really am scared i wont be able to see my son..before i die…its HORRIBLE!!>….i think we should be able to SUE these kind of daughter in laws…for the misery and hurt and tears and sorrow they have brought upon US>…..its not correct…..WE all have tried to love her.and be good to her….everything we could..but it will NEVER WORK>……she has taken MY first son..and destroyed our love !!!……because of HER JEALOUSY and ignorance……DONT even tell me its the mother in laws……THERE ARE SOME THAT are good people..and they dont cause problems!!…they just want to hear from their sons once in a while….to know they still love them….AFTER ALL>….we carried them for 9 months ..gave birth..and took care of them for years.and loved them…..I WILL NEVER STOP LOVING HIM>..she will never STOP THAT! G.
Wow! I’m sure that there are some good MIL but I’ve been married 3 times and I have never had one where there wasn’t at bit of jealousy or a control issue. It seems to me that MILs are in competition for their son’s love when they get married. They tend to forget that there are two sides of the street and they cross boundaries that make head on collisions between them and the DIL. A DIL is your son’s second priority, God is first. Your son is to protect and provide for his family. You have raised him to do this. Leave and Cleave (remember) Do realize that when you say nasty things and are controlling your son is observant of this more so because he has lived with you his whole life. He will protect his wife that is a man’s job..There are roles that a wife plays that a mother can not fulfil for her son. Let them live their life and be happy for them. Your son will always love his mother. MIL know your position. Just as your husband’s have protected you your son will do the same for his wife and family. First impressions are everlasting, MILs tend to forget the sly remarks that said that have hurt their DILs feelings. Maybe the comments where years ago but that doesn’t mean that your DIL has forgotten. In a nutshell, stop being a busybody.. your son’s loyalty is to his new family.. let them live their lives without all the drama.. Trust me you will only cause more problems if you try to divide a husband and wife. LET GO. J.